AIBU to be so frustrated at DD

[XmasElf10]

DD is 11 and has been underweight all her life. She’s currently less underweight than at some points but still underweight. She eats breakfast and dinner (with a bit of pushing) but lunch is a nightmare. School dinners are too slow and sll
her friends are off to play before she gets food apparently and packed lunch drives me insane because she doesn’t eat it.

She doesn’t have an eating disorder it’s just that food isn’t a priority for her. She finds it dull and won’t waste time eating if there’s something better to do.

Ive just opened yesterdays lunchbox, thrown it all away, told her off and made todays. I’ll do the same tomorrow. AIBU to be annoyed or should I just let her eat whatever she wants (or not!)

How about saying something like a chunk of cheese for fats and protein, a piece of fruit to be healthy and that's fine.

Give her a wrapped energy bar or something to keep in her bag for if she ever feels hungry enough to eat that too.

Op please please remove all anger/ frustration / emotion from your conversations with hr about food. That way she will end up on a pathway to eating disorders.

I have a very very fussy eating child and i totally understand the pain of it

She will survive without lunch if she eats a good dinner - we eat a lot more calories in the west/ wealthy countries than we used to in the past

Lunchtime at school is shit - it's really bad that kids are rushed to get out ot play I have the same with my daughter

However it is what it is. Why not try a radical solution and just make up a really great energy bar homemade and put it in there and she can just eat something really quick plus a juice?

@edwinbear if your son really is working out 4 times today on half a slice of toast, a few mouthfuls of pasta and a cereal bar, you have a massive issue here. That's approximately 400 calories, being generous - so you're either exaggerating (Hope so!) or your son has a real problem

I was exactly like this when I was a child. I was quite fussy and didn't have an eating disorder but just didn't have much of an appetite ever. I would have no breakfast, take a bread roll for my packed lunch and just pick at it. As I got older I did develop more of an appetite & became much less fussy. If I was you I would just encourage her to try different things. As long as she's eating breakfast and evening meal I wouldn't worry too much about the lunch issue. The best thing my dm did was not pressure me to eat but just offer different things and encourage me to try a variety of foods. She may just not have a big appetite which is fine. As she gets older I bet this increases! Good luck

I agree, anorexia in boys is under diagnosed, the fact that the rugby coach is that concerned is also a worry. If it is true I think you should be getting some medical support.

Can you discuss with her what she would be willing to eat? It might be a lot less than a typical lunch and possibly less nutritious in content but let's face it a balanced lunch that ends up in the bin has zero nutrional content anyway.

I went through quite a long phase (years) of not eating my packed lunch. The reason wasn't at all sinister - I just got so bored with having the same stuff all the time I couldn't face it any more. I would feel physically hungry but that was preferable to actually eating it. (I never ate breakfast either!) My mum did catch me out a couple of times when I forgot to chuck it away before I got home. Her reaction was to get angry rather than find out what the issue was, and so it went on for years.

I eat plenty now but I still prefer a lot of variety. I go off things if I have them a lot!

If she is 11 I’d be asking the school what they can do to support.

At my kids school one of DDs friends was like this so the school engineered it that the kids couldn’t go to play until everyone had eaten a certain amount at lunch time, when DS was in reception they did similar but one group of kids to help support one who would be easily distracted by friends going off to play and refusing to eat.

Your daughter sounds a lot like myself when I was younger. I didn't like being told off for not eating or eating small amounts, because if I didn't eat it was usually because I wasn't hungry. Lunch would also be the meal I would skip most of often as well. Children usually have a better understanding of their bodies and how much food they need to eat. My mum was worried about me like you worry about your daughter, and ended up taking me to the doctors / dieticians regularly. They would usually tell her that as long as I am getting a balanced diet, eating healthy, and not lacking in energy, then there was no need for concern. So I would only worry about her if she is showing signs of severe lack in energy every day or she is just eating junk all the time. Other than that, forcing her to eat when she isn't hungry or her body genuinely doesn't need it isn't a good idea. The job of the parent is to provide healthy options, and the job of the child is to decide how much of that they would like to eat.

Did you miss the part about the OPs DD being underweight?

so clearly children aren’t all that great at knowing their own bodies

@MandalayFray No, I didn't miss that part. I was also classed as underweight for all of my childhood which is why I was often taken to the doctors. My point is that the charts which class someone as underweight aren't always right, which is what I was told by my doctors. They were always more concerned with if I was eating healthy, even if small amounts, and whether I was able to function as a normal child throughout the day or showed signs of malnutrition. Sometimes it's more than just numbers.

I also believe that my mum pushing me to eat more, bribing me into eating, or telling me off for not eating led to me having a bad relationship with food as I got older. I've since tried to let go of these things and eat for what my body needs.

I appreciate the comments on grumping at her. I know I shouldn’t but if she doesn’t eat lunch she’s starving at 4 and then no matter how small the snack her dinner is ruined. I’ve asked her what she wants and I give that, honestly not much food in that lunchbox. Yesterday she ate 3 spoonfuls of sweetcorn (that was her entire food from 7:30am until 5:30pm) but none of the sausage roll she asked for. Her other food is all “boosted” with extra calorie in the form of hidden butter, cheese, cream etc.. She will ONLY drink water so can’t sneak in any liquid calories.

Today she has 1 small cheese sandwich, a handful of crisps (not a full bag, some Doritos from a family bag), sweetcorn and a Fredo. I don’t expect her to eat it all and she knows that but I do expect to make an effort to eat enough to keep a fly alive! She’s 11 and in Secondary school so no supervision of eating. She’d happily eat a big sausage bap at home of I made it for her and it was easy so she is hungry, she would just rather do something else.

Do you believe her when she says her friends are all done eating earlier?

As if it’s not a case of not being hungry I’d be concerned about other factors.

Such as feeling self conscious eating in front of new people at secondary, bullying or fear of being left out if she doesn’t stick with a group at lunch even if it means missing out on food.

if she doesn’t eat lunch she’s starving at 4 and then no matter how small the snack her dinner is ruined

I would give her the main meal at 4pm and a snack later. Not ideal but it might just help.

I've been thinking about your thread. I think children only eat when they feel hungry and there's nothing wrong if they skip a meal. One child never eats breakfast, and the other rarely eats her lunch. Because they're not hungry. The one who doesn't like lunch will often finish her packed lunch, when she's home from school.

I agree with @MossGrowsFat, if she's starving at 4pm then either give her the main meal at this time or if that isn't possible then she can choose to eat what's left from her lunch at that time.

Also, @MandalayFray makes a good point that there may be something else going on that makes her not want to eat at school if she would normally eat at that time at the weekends. talk to her about this and see if something is going on.

I’d feed her at 4pm but I’m normally working. I’ll talk to her about other factors. She’s usually pretty open with me. Maybe she really just isn’t hungry!