To be annoyed to be refused your friends’ ‘prime time’ slots…

[Notmyyearthisyear]

Like, after they get in a new relationship, and they only have time for you at lunch, or on Tuesday night, or when their new boyfriend is not available… no longer any availability during the ‘prime’ entertainment times like Friday evening etc.
for context, I fully expect that they will have less time available, which is fair enough. but not to even make any effort to pretend that you still are important and worthy of more than a coffee at a time of their convenience? It just feels shite and doesn’t inspire much confidence that they actually value you as a friend now that they have found their ‘other half’ (intentionally in inverted commas!)

Would I give up a Saturday night date plus shag for a coffee with an old friend...erm...nope. And I wouldn't expect her to for me either.

Are you single by any chance?
I think this is a sweeping generalisation. Not all women automatically give up their friends when they start a new relationship.
on the other hand, all new relationships go through that honeymoon period where you want to spend every spare minute together and 'friends' should appreciate and accept this. After a while, things will settle back down to a 'fairer' division of time. Hopefully they'd be just as understanding if and when you meet someone new.

Totally agree. It’s important to make effort with friends whether you have a partner or not. I have got a boyfriend but the amount I see my friends hasn’t changed. If I want to see them at the weekend, I do! Boyfriend can have the Tuesday night slot instead.

What first poster said

I’m going to add another point of contention. So I’m on the phone with another friend, have been friends for decades. The conversation still going, and the friend suddenly says ‘oh X is at the door, I’ve got to go!’… wouldn’t it be polite to let X in and finish the conversation in a less abrupt manner? What would X do if asked to sit down for a minute or so when the friend does so?
or another one… ‘oh X is on another line I’ve got to go’… bloody hell woman just call him back in a minute…

and to answer the other poster, yes I am single atm, what are you suggesting? That single people should expect less or to be treated differently? Or that it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be ‘in love…’ 😂
I find this approach disrespectful. Like, you mattered to me a lot before, but not so much now as I’ve got a boyfriend… 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think any change in circumstances changes the way you use your time. Maybe her new boyfriend has limited availability, or she’s just not realised how often she’s turned down a Friday night with you. As in all relationships, having a conversation with her about missing seeing her (rather than being accusatory) might go some way to resolving things.

I think this is the fastest way to long term loneliness by the time you figure out you can have both friends and a relationship your friends may have moved on

I half-agree, depending on how often you want to see her.
Theres a difference between an occasional night out or one friend wanting too see the other every Friday night or lunch every day or something.

Is this one particular friend you have this problem with? How long has she been in this relationship for?

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and once the relationship beds in and they’re over the lovey dovey phase it’s likely to go back to normal.

This

@Jellycatspyjamas wise words, it’s just not my style to be so open and vulnerable… so far I’ve retreated and watching how much longer it will continue!
@Eggygirl two different friends actually.
and both in the relationship just over a year.
@SheepDance of course not that often… I’m talking maybe once or twice a month! But not always when it’s convenient to the friend because the boyfriend is not available.

It's always difficult, you have to decide whether they are treating you the way you want to be treated, if not they may not change but you can make the decision on whether you accept it.

Well... say I was waiting for a friend on the street while texting with my partner (so, the reverse). Friend arrives, I tell partner friend has arrived, we'll chat later. Honestly, it's texting, which by definition is not urgent and my partner would be likely doing something else as well. Continuing that conversation while my friend is waiting for me would be rude in my opinion.

In regards to calls, again - if we're chatting about something non-urgent and an incoming call from a person I know (and even when I don't know them, to be honest, but that's probably just me) pops up, I will hung up on that person and tell them I will call back because the incoming call might be more important or time sensitive (like partner in an accident, a job offer or 'what should I get for dinner since I'm in the shop right now').

It sounds to me like you are reading too much into pretty standard behaviour. Also, other pp's are right - unfortunately partners and family take priority over friends because you usually have closer relationships with them and there's more at stake. And then there's also the honeymoon phase in a new relationship, of course.

Having said that, I'm in a LTR and would happily meet a friend during 'prime-time', but that's because we usually don't have much going on anyway and my partner won't make a bit of a fuss (and neither would I).

I find it so bizarre that anyone can defend this.

How is it ever reasonable to relegate the people who were in your life before your partner came along just because you’ve now found love? Are friends just placeholders to be bumped for romantic relationships.

As you can tell, I completely agree, OP. I’ve never done it to my friends and I don’t think it’s ok for them to do it to me.

I do agree with you but it’s just the way it is isn’t it, they want to do date nights and cosy nights in. Especially at the start when you want to spend every moment together. The phone thing sounds super rude tho!!

@iloveorange I never mentioned texting in my original post?
@TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz thank you, it’s good to know someone also thinks this way!
To be honest, I think the definition of friendship according to many MN is a bit weird… on a slightly different subject but I saw posts saying things like ‘oh you can’t expect your friends to listen to your problems, get a therapist for that’’… like, wth, I was brought up to believe friends are people who care about you, and those you can lean on. Maybe I’m old fashioned.

How old are you OP? Do you have other friends apart from the two you're referring to here? Can you not spend 'prime time' with other family and friends? If you're truly feeling as neglected and slighted as you appear to be, why maintain those friendships at all? If you feel like your friendship is not being valued or you're being disrespected in anyway, like any relationship, surely you don't waste your time with them anymore?

What stages in life are you all at?

Depending on your demographic it makes a difference to the unreasonableness I think.

18 - 25 then yes I think unreasonable. 25 -35 not so much. As in if these friends want marriage and a couple and they are 34 and been waiting to meet ‘the one’ then their going to want to invest time in that. As within 3 years they could be married with a baby. But that depends on investing time in the foundations which unfortunately includes prime times.

I’ve noticed that my friendships simmered slightly around 28ish when they got into relationships that were ‘going somewhere’. Whereas at 21/22 then prime time was split evenly between friends and current boyfriends.

However that being said I’ve just had a baby and have a partner and can safely say my weekends are fully booked with friends during prime times. But that’s because I’m living with DP and baby so eachother 24/7 anyways which frees up prime times unless we have concrete family plans booked.

YANBU

It is fair to expect that your friend is going to have less time now that they are in a relationship but I agree it is unreasonable for them to no longer spend any quality time with you. When that happens it feels like your friendship was just a convenient way to fill the time before something better came along.

Another variation of this is when it is suddenly impossible to meet your friend without their new partner in tow.....I find this even more annoying (and pathetic).

@Eggygirl not sure how age is relevant but let’s say I’ve been an adult for over 20 years now 😉
Yes, I do feel disrespected. But not enough to put an end to friendships that I value for a number of other reasons, why should I?
yes I do have other friends and acquaintances I can spend the time with, that’s not my point at all. I guess I do feel hurt and / or annoyed (depending on the day!) by this ‘relegation’ and so wanted to pose this question on a wider forum, to gauge others’ opinions.

YANBU. There is nothing more annoying. They expect you to be suddenly available again when their new boyfriends aren't. It's very annoying.

Agreed.

@iloveruby oh yes, I can’t begin to imagine how annoying that would be! Thankfully I’ve been spared that experience…

Ideally we all manage to see our friends as much as we would like and our partners ar much as we would like but the reality is Not always that easy. If you’re a single parent for example and have limited free time it’s really hard to get a new relationship off the ground. You went to spend those ‘prime’ times with the new relationship working on it becoming, well, a new relationship. If you’re in a longer term relationship when you live with them and/or they know your children (or indeed you share children so you can all hang out together at home) then you would probably be choosing to spend more of those ‘prime’ slots with a friend. My friends and I all lead busy lives. We all know we have each other in our hearts and minds. No one beats anyone up if they don’t have as much physical time as they would like to see each other or even message each other.