To really think I'm failing at parenting

[Goingforplatinum]

I really hated the newborn phase when DD cried all the time and I didn't know what was wrong with her, mixed with sleepless nights, was not a phase I enjoyed.

Then after the first 6 months started to enjoy parenting more, and even more so when she was around 1 where she was good company, ate well, slept okay and generally listened.

She was 2 in August and again all was going well until she became ill around three weeks ago, although she has overcome the illness its like her whole personality has changed. She winges and cries all the time, refuses to go to bed, wakes up all through the night, refuses food and then screams she's hungry, hits me and bites me and doesn't listen to anything I say. I tell her off, destract her, use naughty step, say no, but nothing works she just screams at me. It's gotten to the stage now I just don't want to be around her anymore. I get children at her age having tantrums but this is ridiculous, I feel like I have no control over her and failing miserably.

I'm so sorry.. I have no answers, can only assume it was something to do with the illness, & I hope it passes for you both, hugs..

Take a deep breath, she likely has hit the terrible twos BUT are you sure she is better, sometimes ear infections can linger after the original cold has gone and it can make them miserable (and therefore little beasts) without any obvious symptoms. I would start with a visit to the GP for a quick check up and then if you get the all clear..try reading some books on handling the insanity that is 2 yr olds

Went to the GP who has said all is fine.
The only thing I can think it may be is teeth, her back molars are still yet to come through. The rational side is saying its teeth, but the irrational side is saying this is now my child forever more.

Get a post it note and write "this too shall pass" on it and stick it to the fridge.

A whiny annoying 2yo just getting over an illness is standard I'm afraid, but it will pass and if it doesn't there's a lot more parenting you can do with a 3 year old to help it pass.

One small thing to try is validation - instead of arguing why she's wrong about eg. putting shoes on, try saying "I know! Shoes are so annoying! Do you want the left or right foot first?". Might help with tantrums.

This absolutely helps me with my son.

'I really want chocolaaatttteeee'

'I know you do, me too! Let's have some at the weekend!' Change subject.

Etc etc etc

It could be lots of things, remnants of the illness, teeth coming through etc.

Children at 2 are too young for the naughty step as they don't understand cause and effect yet, wait until 3.5 - 4 years.

At 2 she's starting to understand some things but likely very frustrated at not being able to communicate her needs. I really recommend teaching her to sign, we had very few tantrums when my DD was little as she could sign for food, drink, more, all done, bed, home, pain etc and many more once they've mastered one you can introduce more. It makes a huge difference. Signs can be whatever you like, Makaton (Mr Tumble), BSL, you can also learn from Tiny talk, Sing and Sign classes or YouTube.

In terms of teeth try and think back to your late teens when your wisdom teeth came through (if you have them) I know I was miserable and cranky on and off for months while they went up and down before properly coming through. Hurts so much and she can't ask for painkillers.

She's able to verbally communicate what she wants, just then throws a strop if I say no.
I think it's the sleep making her so bad tempered, put her to bed at 7 last night but she didn't go to sleep until midnight. Then woke every hour following that and has been up since 5 this morning. She looks exhausted but don't know what to do to make it better

Will she sleep with you? I'm a massive fan of co sleeping- never once in 17 years have I had a child (3 DC) do more than a cursory refusal to go to bed.
No tantrums, tears, lack of sleep.
Maybe she feels scared/ lonely/ worried about being on her own?
It'll definitely be the sleep deprivation making her behave like a beast, and you also. It's a cycle that needs breaking and personally I'd start with the sleep 🛌

Btw I don't still slee with the 17 yo haha, skew actually in the military now!
My younger at 6 is always with me, 8 yo does most nights too but I just hop into their beds if I get too squashed or hot!

You need to work on your rational side. Your child is finding things difficult (whether teeth or tantrums) they are not a monster.

Were your own parents sympathetic parents? If you had parents who were strict etc it can make it harder when your own kids are in a bad phase.

I'm trying co,-sleeping atm but she's still waking and historically crying every hour or so and pushing me off if I try to give her cuddles.

It’s not forever, it’s a phase. She will have them, then move on.
The terrible two’s aren’t called that for nothing.
Is she in nursery ?

My youngest had a complete personality change for a while after being ill with covid… everything was a tantrum and it was tough - I’ve got 3 kids and consider myself really good at dealing with tantrums, but even I was losing patience!

My mantra was ‘he’s not giving me a hard time, he’s having a hard time’. So up the empathy, cuddles if she will take them, stories etc. As many choices as possible - ‘do you want to put your shoes on now or in the car?’ - and then validation as pp say if she just refuses.

I’m also a big fan of cosleeping but otherwise the usual things to wear her out - loads of outdoor time, exercise etc.

It will pass!

Putting her to bed at 7pm, and her not going to sleep until midnight is not good. 5 hours of lying in bed.
Try putting her to bed later with a good routine.

@lannistunut my parents where very unsympathetic, I swore I would be the opposite and I generally am, but this is really getting me down now, especially at night

@KangarooKenny she goes childminders 3 days a week while I'm at work, apparently she's fine there.

Sorry, cross posted on the sleep. Are there any audiobooks she likes? That was what really calmed my youngest in the night when he was going through similar. He still woke a lot but at least he wasn’t getting too upset.

@CoveredInCobwebs bought her a toniebox last week, she threw is across the floor.

I've tried later bed times, earlier bed times, longer naps, no naps, co-sleeping, making her stay in bed, calpol before bed, teething powder before bed, a banana before bed, no food before bed, silence, audiobooks, wave noises.

Nothing has worked.

Is it Night Terrors?. She's young for it, but they can inset as early as age 18 months.

Illness can disrupt sleep routine massively. When my ds gets tired, his tendency to strop and tantrum is much higher. It's a very clear correlation.

Terrible Twos and Threenagers are really hard to manage.

My kids were both best at this age playing outside in fresh air as much as possible - balance bike, playground, collect conkers, jumping in puddles.

My ds is growing through it now (nearly 4) and most days is now pretty rational. But age 2 and 3 was hard.

The best strategies i have are finding ways to make them giggle, distract them, say yes to everything you can do safely/healthily, lots of extra cuddles and talking about "big feelings", praise mildly when they cooperate, try to ignore the bad behaviour rather than punish with naughty step.

My ds's nursery don't label it naughty any more they say "Tommy chose not to play"... by which they mean, your behaviour has caused you to not be able to play and that was your choice and if you'd like to play you can choose to be kind to your friends, take turns ans ahare nicely.

It won't be forever. This time of year can be rotten as they are just full of constant colds. IME they have the virus blues for a lot longer than they are actually "ill" according to a doctor.

I'm sure you aren't getting parenting wrong at all but I did love the How To Talk books for little tips and tricks for little ones that work well. There is one for Little Kids which is good for 2yos - the original one is better from about 4.

If there's even a slight possibility she's getting the 2 year molars I would give nurofen before bed. Those ones have been really hellish for my younger two. Ibuprofen if no allergies is better for pain resulting from inflammation. If no difference then you could stop.

It made a huge difference to me to make sure they get dinner early enough that they aren't too tired to eat. For us that tends to mean 4:30 at the latest for a 7pm bedtime. If that's so early that you need another snack before bed that's fine.

Then tips for really bad days

Try to write down at the end of the day one happy memory from the day.
Take photos - 2yos are very photogenic and it helps see them in a "cute" light.
Try to do something every day that is low stakes and likely to succeed (e.g. reading a story together, snuggling watching TV, playing with an old favourite toy e.g. stacking cups even if it's "babyish".

When she was sick, did she have a lot of vomitting and/or diarrhea? Just wondering if that has messed up her gut flora, making it harder to digest some food and giving her tummy aches. My daughter had a horrendous stomach bug once, and afterwards she could only tolerate really bland food for a long time, and the slightest bit of dairy would give her diarrhea again. Might also explain why she wants food, but then refuses it.

I'd just like to say first of all, you are not failing. You're posting for advice, you've been to the GP and you've tried loads of methods. That's not failing. It's brilliant parenting, you're doing a great job.
I'll have to agree with PPs, it's terrible twos. It's truly terrible.
Mine started at 20 months. I was not prepared for this. My baby changed overnight. He did still sleep at least. A few months ago he had an illness. The illness itself did not last long but afterwards he went through a stage of refusing to sleep. I tried everything, nothing worked. He'd just turned 3 at the time, his naps had stopped naturally the year before. I'm sorry I've no advice, he did just go back to his usual sleep (although bedtime a little later) maybe your DD will too? He'd had no sleep regression from being a baby, I thought this may have been one but delayed.
This will pass. It'll feel like a lifetime but it will pass.

Thanks everyone for your kind words, especially that its a phase that will pass.

I think when you are in the thick of it you question yourself on whether this is it now forever.

I feel really bad in the morning as I have shouted at her and this upsets her more. I ended up in tears at around 2 this morning when she was in my bed, she looked at me and took herself to her own bed and got in. I felt awful, although she was back up crying again at 3. I think she feels my stress and tension and its making it worse, but I'm just so tired.

DH is going to have her this evening when he gets back from work so I can catch up on some sleep. He has tried settling her at night but she is worse with him then she is with me.

It's getting to the stage now I spend all day dreading night time as I know she will be up and all night dreading day time as I know she's going to be miserable and grumpy.

It’s a perfectly normal reaction to illness. Little ones regress when unwell, particularly if they’ve been in hospital. Psychological harm is the key reason why parents staying on children’s wards was introduced and why children being admitted is minimised.
The answer is time, reassurance and resetting the norms. For however long they are unwell, children get fussed more, babied more, given favourite foods and drinks - basically given Princess or Prince treatment. As they get better we expect them to go straight back to normal and that’s a big ask for a tiny child.

Nap together during the day - good for both of you.
Get a special sleep cuddly that is only for sleep time. Establish good sleep hygiene. Clear messaging, routine. Stick with it. Ignore the screaming if you know she’s fine. Turn your back to her rather than trying to cuddle her in bed. It’s hard because they can make such a noise, but at the moment you’re rewarding the screeching.
Trick her into sleeping with a Pavlovian response to something like Lavender pillow spray and a coloured, darkish, low wattage light bulb. We used a thing called snuffle babes - still works on a thirty year old.
Get a break to reduce risk of you losing the plot and to let you catch up on sleep - a rested mother copes better. Get granny, her father, a neighbour or aunt or paid babysitter to take her out for a few hours whilst you ignore the laundry and sleep instead.