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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still make DS do the school run regardless?

40 replies

TheElt · 31/10/2022 16:33

Looking for some opinions on whether I'm being too mean or not.

DS is 17, he's always struggled with school and his mental health, mainly anxiety. He started college last September but really struggled with anxiety he tried to go but couldn't, then earlier this year he attempted suicide twice. He wasn't enjoying his course so he started a new one this September, which he was struggling with due to anxiety, he did until half term but has dropped out . He's currently been put on new medication so we’re currently waiting for that to work and when it does he’ll do an apprenticeship.

He agreed that whilst he's not doing anything he will help out by taking DS2 to school etc. Tomorrow, DS2 is back after half term but DS1 is going to a Halloween party tonight with his friends and will be drinking. Because of this DP has said I shouldn't expect DS to do the school run tomorrow. DS1 knows he's supposed to, he's also got his theory tomorrow so he shouldn't really be drinking a lot anyway.

AIBU to think he should do it regardless or is that a bit mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheElt · 31/10/2022 16:51

Bump

OP posts:
Endwalker · 31/10/2022 16:57

Does he usually go out drinking or is this just an occasional thing? And has his social life suffered due to his mental health in which case this could be a positive sign that he's engaging with friends again?

Either way, I'd let him off with the school run tomorrow as a one off

OriginalUsername3 · 31/10/2022 16:59

I really wouldn't be expecting him to do it at all. Its kind of like you're punishing him for trying to kill himself. Why are you making him do the school run because he's not well enough to go to school? Do you think it's helping him by just giving him a reason to get out? Some responsibility? Clutching at straws here tbh because it very much feels like he's being punished for trying to kill himself. Don't make life harder for him.

Original poster
TheElt · 31/10/2022 17:29

He does drink with friends often and sees them regularly. I'm not punishing him, it's so to get him out the house everyday and to give him responsibility etc.

OP posts:
MamaBear1022 · 31/10/2022 17:33

So he can go out with friends, socialise and drink but is too anxious to go to college or work?

Is he really that anxious or being picky about what he does?

RonObvious · 31/10/2022 17:35

MamaBear1022 · 31/10/2022 17:33

So he can go out with friends, socialise and drink but is too anxious to go to college or work?

Is he really that anxious or being picky about what he does?

WTF? Are you serious?

cansu · 31/10/2022 17:38

Ultimately it is your job to get your ds to school. This is not really a chore and is actually more parenting. There is nothing wrong with your ds helping you out, but it seems ridiculous to be insisting on this if he is going to be out late. We all have times when we don't do a chore because we are knackered or whatever. The fact that he is going out and enjoying himself is surely normal and healthy for a 17 year old. I would not be trying to give him very specific, daily childcare responsibilities at this stage.

EL8888 · 31/10/2022 17:40

Does he do anything else to contribute to the house e.g. washing, cooking tidying? If he’s not studying then he should do something, we all benefit from a routine

SirenSays · 31/10/2022 17:41

I'd let him off the hook, it's only Halloween once a year

SlashBeef · 31/10/2022 17:43

MamaBear1022 · 31/10/2022 17:33

So he can go out with friends, socialise and drink but is too anxious to go to college or work?

Is he really that anxious or being picky about what he does?

🙄🙄 when I made my suicide attempt I'd been going out with friends and cheerfully doing the school run days before. How many people have you heard say "I just wish I'd known how she was really feeling before she killed herself so I could have helped her. She seemed okay!" Please educate yourself.

Cw112 · 31/10/2022 17:44

I think I see your point op, it's good to have responsibility that actively involves him getting out of the house and being around others to counteract the anxiety, in some ways getting him to do household chores instead would just give him an excuse to stay home and avoid being out in the community which is what he likely needs. I would probably let him off this once also since he has his theory test and might be nervous about that.

CallMeBettyBoop · 31/10/2022 17:44

I'd be really glad that he feels up to going out and socialising, OP. Please let him off.

As another poster remarked, it feels a little like he's being punished for being mentally unwell.

Mischance · 31/10/2022 17:44

Are you sure he should be drinking on medication for anxiety?

ittakes2 · 31/10/2022 17:48

I would let him off too but I would also be interested to know please what meds he is on as my teen daughter can’t drink with her anxiety meds and we are looking at changing her.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/10/2022 17:48

Aren't you supposed to avoid alcohol when taking antidepressants?

WitchyOsmansXraySpectre · 31/10/2022 17:54

It's good to get him doing stuff, a bit of routine etc but I'd let him off this once. Let him enjoy himself.

Sarahcoggles · 31/10/2022 17:56

OriginalUsername3 · 31/10/2022 16:59

I really wouldn't be expecting him to do it at all. Its kind of like you're punishing him for trying to kill himself. Why are you making him do the school run because he's not well enough to go to school? Do you think it's helping him by just giving him a reason to get out? Some responsibility? Clutching at straws here tbh because it very much feels like he's being punished for trying to kill himself. Don't make life harder for him.

Punished?
He's being expected to help with family tasks because he's not doing anything else!

Original poster
TheElt · 31/10/2022 18:01

Yes, DS is actually anxious and isn't just been picky. He isn't doing other things, the only thing we've asked him to do is take DS2 to school to get him into a routine and so at least he's gone out at least once in a day as that'll help him. It'll also help me and DP as I start work at 7am a few days a week so DP usually takes him which is a rush for him also starting work.

He can drink on the anti depressants but obviously needs to be careful and can't drink too much, which I don't think he will anyway as he knows about the theory and has been revising lots for it so I don't think he'll want to be hungover.

OP posts:
BonnesVacances · 31/10/2022 18:04

I would let him off tomorrow morning. Throw him a bone and let him have a late night at the party tonight. His life sounds pretty shit at the moment (because of his MH) and this sounds like a moment he can and should be able to enjoy without worrying about tomorrow morning.

I say that as a DM of a DD with MH issues.

Goldencarp · 31/10/2022 18:13

MamaBear1022 · 31/10/2022 17:33

So he can go out with friends, socialise and drink but is too anxious to go to college or work?

Is he really that anxious or being picky about what he does?

I’m glad someone else said it!

BellePeppa · 31/10/2022 18:14

MamaBear1022 · 31/10/2022 17:33

So he can go out with friends, socialise and drink but is too anxious to go to college or work?

Is he really that anxious or being picky about what he does?

My son also suffers from depression and struggles with going in to college (although he is very bright). I am thrilled when he sees his friends even if he hasn’t managed much college that week. You don’t seem to know much about living with a teenager with depression - lucky you!

LoveMyCats1 · 31/10/2022 18:19

Who else could do the school run? If you or your partner are not working you should do it really.

LoveMyCats1 · 31/10/2022 18:20

cansu · 31/10/2022 17:38

Ultimately it is your job to get your ds to school. This is not really a chore and is actually more parenting. There is nothing wrong with your ds helping you out, but it seems ridiculous to be insisting on this if he is going to be out late. We all have times when we don't do a chore because we are knackered or whatever. The fact that he is going out and enjoying himself is surely normal and healthy for a 17 year old. I would not be trying to give him very specific, daily childcare responsibilities at this stage.

I agree with this.

ridemesideway · 31/10/2022 18:21

I understand the need to have him up and out the door, that small routine is important for someone with mental health difficulties.
I’d probably let him have tomorrow morning off though.

Jalepenojello · 31/10/2022 18:24

I do the school run myself. He’s far too young to worry about getting home sober and on time to do the school run, poor lad

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