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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely at a loss as to know what to do with alcoholic DH?

47 replies

Yolo89 · 31/10/2022 14:36

I'd so like your advice

DH lives apart from the family, I'd say mainly due to his alcohol use.

I am at a loss at to what to do. I do 99% of everything for the DC and he dips in and out. It;s not fair on any level.

He is allowed in the house however he has been getting angry and yelling and blaming everyhing on me. It;s abusive and upsetting. He is mean as his empathy has gone with the alcohol.

Ive asked to go to family counselling - ie not couples , to be able to discuss the alcoho;. In theory he agrees, however he wont 'waste' the money.

I am on the brink of mediation - not to separate but to organise time with kids etc . There is no place for them to sleep, i dont know if he is drinkng.

I'm on the brink of losing my shit completly.
I need breaks but want to protect my babies fully.

He wont give me an answer to anything

What have others done? This cannot go on.

OP posts:
Turmerictolly · 31/10/2022 14:41

Sounds awful - why don't you want to separate? Can you contact women's aid for advice? I'd also contact the police if he is abusive so it is logged. If you do seperate and he wants contact then it is evidence that the contact needs to be supervised due to his behaviour.

You can't change him but you can change your response to him. Protect yourself and your children who need you to make a decision in their best interests.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/10/2022 14:54

An occupation order would regulate who lives in the house. It can’t be good for the kids to have this level of upset and disruption.

OnceYouKPop · 31/10/2022 14:55

I ended the relationship. I encouraged and facilitated a relationship between him and our DC for years until it became apparent he was drinking to excess even when DC were with him. So I went to court for a CAO, paid for a test to determine his alcohol intake levels, went along with a plan for him to have supervised access to see DC which he never took up, and then supported our DC in accepting that he was very ill and likely at the end stage of liver disease with no prospect of a transplant. I then supported our DC when he died and continue to try and help with their grief.

jgjgjgjgjg · 31/10/2022 14:56

I'd suggest joining your local Al Anon group and talking about your situation and options with a group of people who have been there, done that.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/find-a-meeting/

FairyLightAddict · 31/10/2022 14:57

Divorce him. Unless he wants to give up drinking, he won't. You can't trust him with your kids while he's drinking. Social Services can get involved. Happened to me but I'd left my alcoholic DH so they knew my kids weren't at risk.

Good luck. Be strong.

ICanHideButICantRun · 31/10/2022 14:58

I agree about Al Anon. I think you'll be surprised at how many people have had to cope with this.

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2022 15:00

I had an alcoholic parent, step parent and sibling. Alcohol has killed two of them and the third is brain damaged because of it.

Divorce him, keep your children away and let him take you to court if he wants to try and get access. Alcoholism is rubbish to grow up with and I would do everything in your power to keep the children away.

essex42 · 31/10/2022 15:07

Depends. Do you still love him? Do you remember the real man - not the alcoholic? Loving and living with an alcoholic is horrible. I have been there. BUT - if HE wants to recover and get his life back then he can with the help of detox/rehab/AA. Personally I found AlAnon of limited help and family counselling useless as he just lied his ways through sessions. You may have heard the AA "joke" "when does an alcoholic lie?" "every time they open their mouth". Tough love worked for me - for us. He has been sober for 17 years and we are very happily back together.

maranella · 31/10/2022 15:08
  1. start divorce proceedings
  2. go to Al Anon
  3. don't put up with any more of his shit
  4. protect your DC if you think they're not safe with him
Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 31/10/2022 15:12

Hello… child of alcoholic parent here.

it’s not just violence that affects kids…

the smell of alcohol now makes me sick. Anyone a bit tipsy even, usually male, does the same.

it’s the feeling of not feeling protected or cared for from their nonsense, the unpredictability of their behaviour, the absolute embarrassment in case anyone found out.

mostly it was the verbal abuse (started small, became normalised). Hurt a lot. They never really recovered from their alcoholism and neither did I!

kids pick up on SO much. Anything said under your breath or any double meanings.. yup they know it. It’s like an ongoing tragedy. Please consider that when thinking of whether to separate.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 31/10/2022 15:28

Testing Testing - he does not live in the house. He now has his own place (he moved out in anger probably so he can drink in peace)I allow him in the house sometimes however it usually ends up in him yelling at me for something

OnceyouKpop - so sorry for your loss. That sounds very tough. I am so sorry you have been through an awful lot. It;s so very difficult. DH is not physically dependent as such , yet, however it does still have a huge impact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 31/10/2022 15:29

NerrSnerr - I am sorry to hear your story., That is really heartbreaking. It just devastates the whole family.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 15:41

I'm on the brink of losing my shit completly.
I need breaks but want to protect my babies fully.

He wont give me an answer to anything

What have others done? This cannot go on.

Brace yourself OP - the only thing you can do to protect your babies (& yourself) is to divorce him.

He does not want to stop drinking. He prefers spending money on drink to paying for alcohol abuse counselling.

See a solicitor, get a breakdown of what you finances would look like post-split, & prepare to have ZERO support from him.

There is nothing YOU can do to make your H sober up.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/is-al-anon-for-you/

ChaToilLeam · 31/10/2022 15:43

I’m sorry, OP. Divorce him. He seems to have no interest in overcoming this, it’s hurting your children and dragging you down. Cut the rope.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 15:46

he does not live in the house. He now has his own place (he moved out in anger probably so he can drink in peace)I allow him in the house sometimes however it usually ends up in him yelling at me for something

So don't let him in the house. If he will abide by that.
Your kids don't need to hear this yelling. They don't need to see drunk, upset, angry daddy.

Unfortunately - he has a legal right to enter the house if he is on the deeds/rent book. This is why you need to divorce & separate your assets.
You need a secure home where you can raise your DC without fear of drunkeness & outbursts, & without fear that he will piss the rent/mortgage payments away, leaving you & DC vulnerable.

mathanxiety · 31/10/2022 15:58

Join AL Anon.
Disabuse yourself of the idea that your H cares about anything except alcohol. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about the children. To him you are all a pack of massive nuisances who expect him to interrupt his drinking to do stuff he couldn't care less about doing.

Get divorced. Do not allow him any contact with the children. It is distressing in the extreme for children to be exposed to a volatile alcoholic.

Move on with your life. He's not a part of it now; concern that he doesn't do his fair share is evidence that you are not really seeing reality here. He lives to drink. That is the only important thing in his life.

You owe him nothing, but you owe your children stability and sobriety.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 31/10/2022 16:00

He loves alcohol more than you, simple. Not an addiction, an out and out choice. Divorce!

RampantIvy · 31/10/2022 16:04

Good advice from @KettrickenSmiled.

MarigoldMoonStone · 31/10/2022 16:44

My partner moved back to his mums after a row (500 miles away) and then I wouldn’t let him come back until he had been sober for a significant amount of time, got help etc..still been in regular contact but after his last “slip up” I’ve blocked him on everything because I cannot bear to listen to the same old excuses anymore. He is used to getting away with everything and having his cake and eating it too…you get to a point you just have to stop believing their lies before you turn bat shit crazy. Our children and our mental health have to come first.
If they really want to stop and become better people for their children they would do it (or at least really try) with or without us! (I’m not holding my breath)

pointythings · 31/10/2022 16:45

I second all those who have suggested divorce. He doesn't want to stop. He has a place to live and is free to come and go from what should be a safe place for you and your DC. This can't go on.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 16:49

Stop letting him in the house. Stop letting him near the children. He needs to want help and, until he does, you can't help him.

MichaelFabricantWig · 31/10/2022 16:51

Leave and protect yourself and your kids. There’s nothing you can do.

from a former problem drinker, now sober.

AluckyEllie · 31/10/2022 16:54

Protect your children. You don’t want them remembering their childhood as not able to relax because their drunk dad would barge in whenever he wanted being abusive. He loves booze more than all of you. He doesn’t want to change. Get a solicitor and divorce him. If he wants contact must be supervised if he is drinking that much. Keep records of everything- texts/calls/ inappropriate behaviour

Name99 · 31/10/2022 16:57

You have no option apart from divorce.
He is ruining his kids lives.
He needs to stop drinking, seek support and be sober for a year before you should even consider letting him back into your lives.
You need to contact AL ANON as soon as you can, there is support for you out there.

mamabear715 · 31/10/2022 17:01

My Ex-H loved the booze. It came first. He'd fall asleep on the sofa & wee while asleep / passed out. (And once, even worse than that..)
I always thought he'd get older & wiser & settle down. Nope, he found someone else & left the kids & I!
(He's dead now.)

Going out / drink will always come first. Keep him away from your children.