To feel completely at a loss as to know what to do with alcoholic DH?

[Yolo89]

I'd so like your advice

DH lives apart from the family, I'd say mainly due to his alcohol use.

I am at a loss at to what to do. I do 99% of everything for the DC and he dips in and out. It;s not fair on any level.

He is allowed in the house however he has been getting angry and yelling and blaming everyhing on me. It;s abusive and upsetting. He is mean as his empathy has gone with the alcohol.

Ive asked to go to family counselling - ie not couples , to be able to discuss the alcoho;. In theory he agrees, however he wont 'waste' the money.

I am on the brink of mediation - not to separate but to organise time with kids etc . There is no place for them to sleep, i dont know if he is drinkng.

I'm on the brink of losing my shit completly.
I need breaks but want to protect my babies fully.

He wont give me an answer to anything

What have others done? This cannot go on.

From the child of a volatile 'not addicted' alcoholic...

Leave him. Please.
Make your home a space where your children know he can't be. Make sure their visits are supervised. Even now, I have to listen to 'she loved you, she wasn't that bad...'

It was, and her loving me (if she did) didn't stop her being abusive. Children know that their parent thinks alcohol means more than they do. They learn to 'manage' the adults behaviour. They learn maladaptive habits that don't go away. It blights lives.

End it, and set all of you free.

Excellent idea. I didn’t in the end because mine finally recognised he’d hit rock bottom and went to AA. You’ll find a lot of support and practical help at AlAnon. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do, he has to change this for himself. So sorry, it’s utter shit. 💐

Thank you for all your very thoughtful answers. I am so sorry for all that have suffered pain.

It is very painful and complex, but I agree that the main priority is to protect my babies. He has agreed today to join an alcohol programme that will help. Not rehab but the next best thing.

I just don't know whether to do mediation to set boundaries?

He is not allowed in the house much at all and really it should probably be never. I agree. It is so hard as they are nice for a bit and you fall for it again.

I feel like I am going mad as he keeps telling me i am the awful one who is never positive towards him yet has no insight into how he is treating us all and he does not see how he is affecting the children.

Has anyone done mediation with an alcoholic?

I went to one AA meeting with late ex.
He didn't think he needed it. :-(

OP I think even if you go for mediation he will not respect your boundaries. He will see them and you as an inconvenience coming between him and drink. He probably would not be able to respect any agreement he puts into place and you’ll just be disappointed.

When you say 'an alcohol programme', what exactly is it? Because he needs to accept that he has a problem, that he needs to stop drinking and that he needs to work through the reasons why he drinks to excess. If this programme doesn't aim to do that, it's a token gesture and no more.

And no, you can't do mediation with someone who is in active addiction.

Let him manage his own alcohol programme, don’t get involved in any way.

Don’t do any kind of mediation - he will not stick to anything he agrees.

He needs to never be in the house - your children deserve safety and security. You really must put their needs above your own wish to experience his occasional niceness.

Stop just STOP wasting your energy trying to persuade him that he is wrong, how he is affecting the children etc. He doesn’t care. He only cares about alcohol.

Please go to al anon and get some help and support to put your children first in this sorry mess. Its now time to choose - either divorce him and keep your kids away from him to keep them safe.

Or find a family member who can raise your children safely full time and you can focus all your time and energy on fixing him. Do you have a mum or sister who would be willing to take your kids ?

Then you can waste years of your own life trying to set boundaries and mediating and discussing and arguing and persuading and negotiating.

Until he has completed his program, nope you can't attend mediation with him it would be absolutely pointless
A 12 step program will start to get to the bottom of his personality defects and he can't start to address the hurt he has caused.
What alcohol services has he engaged with?

Please contact Al Anon OP.
They are people who have lived through this. They are there to support you, to help you cut through the bullshit an alcoholic will try to feed you.

I am in AA myself, it took me a long time to address my problem with alcohol and yes I was full of self pity and it was all someone else's fault not poor little old me , the one that was causing damage to my family.
It took me more than 1 attempt with AA as I knew better you see, I only went the 1sr time to shut everyone up and get them off my back

Has he actually admitted he has a problem, has he said the words " I am an alcoholic"
If not, no program in the world will he able to help him unfortunately.

@J0CASTA is 100% right. Mediation is pointless. He'll probably not even be sober during sessions and it will be deflection and blame from start to finish. Leave him to get on with it and don't let him in the house. Sell it if you have to so that you have a place he isn't allowed to enter. You can't help him. As Alanon will tell yo, you didn't cause it, can't control it and certainly can't cure him. Stop focusing on his needs and concentrate solely on your own and your kids'.

@Name99 my partner has said “I’m an addict” but now it’s as if we just have to accept that he’s going to fuck up & drink/drugs and we just have to carrying on “supporting” him anyway. It’s so hard & you can’t help but feel like it’s a new excuse for them to use (I know it’s more complicated than that but it’s honestly how it feels)

I wonder what the alcohol programme is your husband is starting @Yolo89 my partner reached out for help & so far (it’s been about 6 weeks) he has had only had 1 phone call a week (he missed a couple as drinking) and the guy keeps saying they will discuss a plan next time…it’s infuriating

Has he considered AA or CA?
In my opinion it's the only program that works, I went to NHS alcohol services and they wanted me to keep a drink diary, I lied it was a waste of time.
AA is complete abstinence an alcoholic can't regulate alcohol intake, that's the while point of it.
You don't have to support someone who is in active addiction and not getting help, you are enabling them
In AA newcomers are encouraged to attend as many meetings as possible, 90 in 90 days is a suggestion.
Your partner is 100% not going to get/ stay sober and get to the bottom of his problems with a 1 a week telephone call. It simply won't work
AA have face to face and online meetings
He has to put the hard work into his recovery but AA works if you put the work in.

Thank you for your reply. I wish he would properly try AA/CA he did a couple of online meetings but decided he doesn’t like the “higher power” aspect of it (another excuse..) think I just need to leave him be for now and see want decisions he makes for himself

@MarigoldMoonStone if he doesn't like the higher power aspect of AA, he can do SmartRecovery, which is CBT based and fully secular. Unfortunately I suspect he isn't serious about stopping and dealing with his addictions, which SmartRecovery will make him do - it will make him dig down to the reasons why he is an addict and that is difficult work.

@pointythings yeah I have a feeling he is scared to dig too deep! I haven’t spoke to him about it a lot, I just wonder what this guy that rings him weekly suggests he does in between calls - as whatever it is isn’t working. As I say I’ve blocked him now as don’t want to hear the same old excuses and I feel like I’m just taking it all too personally, which isn’t helpful for either of us.

There are definitely other things that work. I would never have got sober if the only option had been AA. Just because AA is the best option for you doesn’t mean there aren’t other approaches.

Yes, I said in my opinion, I tried lots of options and this was the only thing that worked for me

I'm not religious so I understand why some people don't like the higher power thing, to me the higher power is the group of people that are part of the meeting

What worked for you if you don't mind me asking?

@Yolo89

I would give a very hard no to any idea of mediation with an active alcoholic.

You need to understand that he is a walking, talking addiction, and the man you believe to be in there somewhere is not present any more.

His primary relationship is with alcohol, not you, not the children. He lives to drink. He will do and say anything to get you off his back and let him keep on drinking. Hence the alcolol programme He will do and say anything to manipulate you into letting him into the house, but he can't maintain good behaviour. Hence your upset and bewilderment.

Alcoholics are manipulative and devious and single minded about getting what they want, which is that everyone should shut up and stop interfering with their drinking. They are disconnected from real relationships, and the more of a hold alcohol has over them the less able they are to acknowledge someone else's reality. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is connection.

Your H will not accept the truth about the impact of his behaviour on his family. Mediation would be a complete waste of time.

This x 10000000

OP as someone who was married to an alcoholic I can only reiterate that you have to fully disentangle yourself from him and make sure he ceases to be your responsibility.

You can’t do mediation with him. Or family counselling or anything which relies on you working as a team. It’s another way of him roping you into responsibility for his life. My ex used to do this. It was always “I will do x but I need your support”. Then when he inevitably fell off the wagon it would be my fault for failing to properly offer that support and an excuse for more drinking, drama and abusive behaviour.

You quite correctly want to distance yourself and your children from this behaviour but you need to realise this is a zero sum game. There’s only one person who can make your husband stop drinking and it’s not you.

You have to separate yourself from him and this means divorce, so it’s not your legal or financial responsibility.

There are no half measures with alcoholics. You can’t hope to persuade someone to change their behaviour. You need to take matters into your own hands and put clear boundaries in place. Put the control of your life back where it belongs, with you. It may be that once he sees he is losing his family the consequences of his behaviour will sink in but you can’t count on this. You need to start thinking and acting as if he is no longer in your life. Divorce will give you the legal backing to do this.

Get a divorce.

He'll drink himself to death anyway so make a clean break now.

Have you tried talking to AlAnon www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I don't think you can realistically do mediation with an alcoholic - not until they have faced up to their addiction and got help and - really - stopped drinking.

I think you are going to have to face up to parenting completely on your own.