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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I always end up doing too much on playdates

38 replies

moti100 · 31/10/2022 13:16

Hi , I am new to Mumsnet so not sure about the typical abbreviations to be used but I would appreciate some advice. My daughter is friends with a family who live close by. we have known each other for 8 years but as they go to the same school, the family have got closer so more playdates/after school activities. For the last few years, whenever we have play dates it is 90% of the time at mine and I make sure the children are all fed. However, on a rare occasion when my kids want to go over (once/twice a year) they don't even offer drink/food. I have looked after their kids for appointments, including holidays when I have time off and they do not, but it's never reciprocated.

When we arrange playdates outside (softplay, natural trust gardens etc) I always end up paying for the food/coffee. the entrance fee I also cover as they come in as guests due to the membership I have. When I want to order food/coffee i always ask if there is anything they would like so we can order together but they assume (always) that i pay for it...i always do but they never offer to cover their own costs (including their children). I dislike confrontation and asking for money back...but it's beginning to irritate me and I have been avoiding playdates as a result. I just don't know how to bring this up with them. Any advice would help.

OP posts:

Mamoun · 31/10/2022 13:21

Stop offering to buy drinks & snacks. To be honest as much as this family is taking the piss, the detail about drinks & snacks out is misleading for them, sounds like you are offering. I know that most people would say "let me give you money for that" .... but in doubt stop offering and stop giving them food when they come over. When it is meal time just say, it's time to go home because we are going to eat and I don't have enough food.

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 13:21

"I'm just nipping for a coffee, be back in a minute!"

"Hi, would you like to come to softplay with us? It's £5 per child and can be booked online. Let me know if so, and once you've booked and I'll do the same"

Offer a playdate, and drinks, but no dinner. "Sorry Sammy, we're eating later. If you're for dinner I can drop you off home now?"

I guarantee you they won't mention anything as they've been super cheeky as it is.

Alternatively, you'd be within your rights to end the family days out, you don't owe them anything. It's not normal to expect friends to pay for your child all the time, they're being very unreasonable!

Pinpot · 31/10/2022 13:22

Hi OP. I hate confrontation so the way I manage it is I do what I want and am comfortable with and I don't have expectations of others.

So - if I host a play date it's because I want to, for the benefit of my child. I do offer snacks / drinks but I don't expect any reciprocity. I organise the date outside of meal times if I don't want to cater for extra kids.

I wouldn't take kids out for day trips unless there was a reciprocal arrangement with the other family. I keep an eye on who pays for what and I pull back if it's starting to get uneven.

Do what makes you and yours happy, if it's getting uneven pull back.

takealettermsjones · 31/10/2022 13:23

I think you just have to accept it when the kids come to your house, and make sure your kids have eaten a full meal before they go to theirs (and take a drink bottle with them). When you're out I'd just get yours and your kids' and say you didn't know what they wanted etc. Or depending on how confident you are you could say with a smile, "I paid the entrance so can you get the drinks? Thanks" or "I paid last time, is it your turn?" etc

RambamThankyouMam · 31/10/2022 13:25

I'm sorry but it's your own fault if you're not making it clear you don't want to pay for them. Of course they're going to accept free stuff. Grow a spine!

Uninterestedfamily · 31/10/2022 13:28

They are taking you for a mug.

Don't go on any more trips out with them.

If you still want the kids to play, offer to have them over for an hour or so away from mealtimes.

HotCoffee22 · 31/10/2022 13:30

I have one or two friends that do this OP. They always invite themselves “Shall we meet up, we’ll
come to you” with the expectation of lunch, for them all (plus Mum). I tried to steer play dates to somewhere else and ended up getting everyone drinks and still coming back to mine…!

I have tried to see those friends just by themselves without their DC as I feel that they come to me for a day off. I wouldn’t mind if it was reciprocated but it never is.

EducationDilemma · 31/10/2022 13:32

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 13:21

"I'm just nipping for a coffee, be back in a minute!"

"Hi, would you like to come to softplay with us? It's £5 per child and can be booked online. Let me know if so, and once you've booked and I'll do the same"

Offer a playdate, and drinks, but no dinner. "Sorry Sammy, we're eating later. If you're for dinner I can drop you off home now?"

I guarantee you they won't mention anything as they've been super cheeky as it is.

This is perfect OP

Goldbar · 31/10/2022 13:56

Don't put yourself out for them.

If their kids enjoy playing with yours, offer to have them over whenever suits you. In this situation, I would provide snacks/meals because we feed whoever is in our house at snacktimes/mealtimes.

Don't put yourself out to provide childcare. Do it if you'd like the company for your kids, but otherwise, 'I'm sorry, that won't be possible as we have plans'.

I'd put a stop to the days out unless you can make it crystal-clear that they have to pay for themselves. Let them order food for themselves. Just say to the parents, 'Do you want to go up and order for you first and I'll wait with the kids, or shall I order for me and my DC first?'

Velvetween · 31/10/2022 14:22

”I dislike confrontation”

Why do so many posters confuse being assertive with confrontation? OP why do you somehow construe buying you and your kids your own coffee and snacks in a cafe as confronting to your friend? I’m gobsmacked that after one occasion you continue to ask her what she wants and pay for it instead of doing what most normal people do and get your own! Cracking on to the till with your own goods and leaving her to make her own choices and find her wallet is not confrontation!!

The truth is you dislike being assertive and are a people pleaser. It’s not uncommon. This starts with you. Unpick why you do this and start asserting yourself. Then and only then can you address the entitled friend allowing you to give so much without getting any back.

Summerfun54321 · 31/10/2022 14:27

You don’t have to confront them over it. You just have to stop buying them stuff. If your DD isn’t offered food or drinks at their house then she shouldn’t go there if she can’t even have a drink there. We had friends like this, I just phased them out in the end and can’t be arsed socialising with them anymore. Life’s too short to be friends with cheeky fuckers.

dottiedodah · 31/10/2022 14:52

Welcome OP. They sound like a couple of CF(Cheeky Feckers .) as they are known on here ! I would say as above PP says ,If you want to come out and the price ,dont book for them also .When a coffee say Im just grabbing one ,its £2.50 or whatever . They will continue like this if not stopped sadly

MrsSirusBlack · 31/10/2022 14:55

I voted YABU for allowing this to start and continue.

aloris · 31/10/2022 15:03

In addition to the other suggestions, you can also stop babysitting for them with, "I can't do that," or "I'm sorry, I'm just not up to it right now." If they get really pushy you can say, "I understand that you want help, but I'm not going to be able to do that."

minou123 · 31/10/2022 15:07

What you have here is a classic Cheeky Fucker.

Confrontation doesn't mean you have to go all in, guns blazing. What it does mean is you start sticking up for yourself.

EmmaDilemma5 post is really good on how you can stop letting them take advantage of you.

aloris · 31/10/2022 15:13

When you go together to national trust, you can try this. You have to do it in advance or else they will assume you'll pay for food/drink and you'll end up in another awkward situation. When you invite them, you say (or text), "Would you like to come to national trust with me and the kids? The entrance fee will be free for you as I will get you in on my guest passes, but unfortunately I'm not able to pay for your food and drink any more as I have in the past, so if you want to come then make sure to bring enough cash if you need anything to eat and drink." The key to this is that you have to bring your own food for yourself and your kids. Because what may happen, if you plan to buy food for yourselves, is that they say, "Oh, we forgot to bring cash since you usually treat us," or "oh, we only brought five and it's fifteen, we totally underestimated how much to bring." and then you add them to your order because you feel bad. So you have to build a new habit where they are not expecting to be added to your order.

Do you usually invite them to things? Or do they suggest these outings? I think if your get-togethers are usually you inviting them or setting things up, then they may see themselves as not having an obligation to pay because you are "hosting."

carkerpatridge · 31/10/2022 15:26

If the children get on and you still want them to meet up I would suggest meeting at a park or similar free place. They are so cheeky not to have offered to host or to pay. I would save activities and trips out that involve money just for your own family or friends who actually reciprocate, and I wouldn't host at home either. Personally, I wouldn't want to spend time with people like this but if you do take an obvious step back from all your generous involvement and see how they react.

creamwitheverything · 31/10/2022 15:50

Hello! All the above comments are right,sadly. I was very much like you but I had to stop. I have a dd who wanted her friends to come and play and i was a regular feature at starbucks,costa,macdonalds constantly paying, It was ridiculous but i did it so my dd had someone to play with.It wasnt until very much later when I overheard a group of mums chatting about how the kids will be fine going to creams house cos they didnt have to feed them that I realised I was being used,I had let myself be used that was the first thing,One of the mothers used to come to collect her child,sit down demand a coffee and a piece of cake as she was shattered and she knew that I always had sweet treats in as her dd had told her,,omg! I had kids help themselves to cans of pop from the fridge and crisps etc too I was a right muppet. Not one of them had my dd over to play except one who;s dd had been over and throughly spoilt,her mum gave mine half a can of spaghetti hoops for lunch,I mean thats it,She had done lunch for her family but couldn;t or wouldnt stretch it out for my dd to have same as them so she put some spaghetti hoops in a bowl fo rmy dd.I mean what right? Just plain rude, Now when kids come over they have juice and a biscuit thats it,They are fed at home and if i feel myself thinking i wil take them for a treat i stop myself and take my dd on her own later when they have gone. I am not used to being tight but I have been a mug for too long and it was expected in the end that I did this and xxxx would be having a right old beano at creams housel .Its amazing how you weed out the families when theres nothing on offer but play and juice!!! I did this for a couple of years and no more,Dont be me for the sake of trying to keep the kids happy and entertained its not worth it and you get no better thought of for being generous infact they rub their hands together when they see you coming. Equal terms if they are not doing it you dont do it. It took me ages to cotton on it was all intentional after a while but I did learn and i will not go back.Its sad really and i do still have to catch myself but no more. That spaghetti hoop incident made my blood boil.I would never ever have done that,my dd doesnt even eat it and half a can was just not enough in any case but my dd was too polite to say so whilst they were tucking into a proper meal,,oh no not wearing that ever!

Kissingfrogs25 · 31/10/2022 16:45

I have had friends like this in the past op, those that haven't pretty much misunderstand how it starts. It starts 50/50 but it is very gradual. They usually don't get drinks and wait until you do first seemingly very innocently, and being polite op is bound to ask. Ditto with other stuff, my old ex friends would say 'I will get it next time', but never would. It is not immediately obvious for a while. If they are good a long while. I am a generous person it wouldn't cross my mind that people would behave like that, but they do.

You have two choices:

Ditch for better more balanced friends - that is what I did
Continue to see them, but for things like feeding the ducks, nature walks, park visits and woodland walks. No meeting up at your house anymore, and nowhere that costs money. If you are going to soft play, get there early and go in and send a text saying where you are and don't have a coffee (have one before) and have drinks with you. I continued one friendship like this, but my heart wasn't in it at all.

Starting sourcing new and better friends op, you don't have to put up with the users of this world.

Kissingfrogs25 · 31/10/2022 16:50

I would also remind you that you are modelling a terrible example to your children whom will come to assume the same role of always being the one to give and give. Not healthy - friendships should be mostly equal.

foghead · 31/10/2022 16:55

Great that you've realised what an imbalance there is in this 'friendship'.
Now to do something about it -
Stop allowing yourself to be taken advantage of and just stop inviting them out.
Make friends with people who want genuine friendship

PurplePixies · 31/10/2022 17:07

Do you want your children to grow up feeling fearful of others, afraid to say no and risk being bullied for being so passive?

You're going to have to learn to be much more assertive and to ask for what you want. Children learn positive behaviours from parents setting them good examples.

"Would you like to join me at soft play next Tuesday? I'm on a tight budget now so you'll need to cover your own entry fees and refreshments."

mezlou84 · 02/11/2022 12:17

I wouldn't do outdoor playdates anymore. I wouldn't mind them keep coming round to mine but with food on the up it would be drinks only and then water or dilute juice everything else is a luxury in our house. Teatime they would have to go home until after tea and then they would be welcome back after. Tbh I prefer playdates at mine then I know what they're upto lol. If they ask why they aren't being invited to outdoor playdates anymore just say money is tight now and can't afford both families but next time you'll let them know so they can book tickets for the same time and can go together x

Quincythequince · 02/11/2022 12:20

YABU to complain here, Yet still keep paying for things.

YANBU to be annoyed about having to do that.

Just stop offering to pay! Just don’t do it!

Don’t feed the kids and send them home when you’re eating. Stop providing free babysitting.

Just stop being such a doormat.

jtaeapa · 02/11/2022 12:27

I would re-evaluate the friendship. What kind of friend is happy to continually sponge off you? They cannot really care for you if they do that. Just go out without them and be busy when they want childcare for appointments.

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