I always end up doing too much on playdates

[moti100]

Hi , I am new to Mumsnet so not sure about the typical abbreviations to be used but I would appreciate some advice. My daughter is friends with a family who live close by. we have known each other for 8 years but as they go to the same school, the family have got closer so more playdates/after school activities. For the last few years, whenever we have play dates it is 90% of the time at mine and I make sure the children are all fed. However, on a rare occasion when my kids want to go over (once/twice a year) they don't even offer drink/food. I have looked after their kids for appointments, including holidays when I have time off and they do not, but it's never reciprocated.

When we arrange playdates outside (softplay, natural trust gardens etc) I always end up paying for the food/coffee. the entrance fee I also cover as they come in as guests due to the membership I have. When I want to order food/coffee i always ask if there is anything they would like so we can order together but they assume (always) that i pay for it...i always do but they never offer to cover their own costs (including their children). I dislike confrontation and asking for money back...but it's beginning to irritate me and I have been avoiding playdates as a result. I just don't know how to bring this up with them. Any advice would help.

I would stop taking them for a trip out. If parents mention it just say you’re aware of how expensive it is unless they’re happy to spend that.
limit food offered, set the time limit. Don’t keep saying yes just that won’t work for you, I’m busy etc.
They clearly don’t care about your feelings so stop worrying about theirs!

my god, they are massively taking the piss. How have you enabled their behaviour for so long? Stop hosting them, stop paying for them. I guarantee the play dates will stop now, without you funding them.

Been in the same position. And honestly I've pulled right back and my "friend", hasn't even messaged! No offer of let's meet up, or anything.
People will take from you as long as you're giving. As sad as it is, I'd still let the kids come round, but cut back on offering them snacks and meals. Set a time for them to go home before you sit down to eat. It's not their fault and it would be a shame for the kids not to be able to he friends.
You need to set boundaries and have respect for yourself. And I know how hard it is, but people will take advantage if you allow them too.

These people are not your friends. It can be tricky to figure this out when you start to make 'friends' that are primarily linked to your children and playdates. For a lot of people, it's just a convenient and time filling friendship. There is nothing wrong with this as long as both parties are pretty much on the same page. Friendships via children, however, attract CFs like flies to shit. They basically abuse your desire to make the children happy for the their own gain. Before you know it they are getting their diaries out at the school gate on the last day of the summer term asking you which days you will be having their children over the summer holiday so they can plan their work schedule.

You sound like a nice person who deserves nice friends who reciprocate. Get out now! Been there and learnt the hard way too.....

If you organise another play date, just mention that your purse strings are tight and if they want to come it will cost XY and Z

You're being a needy doormat. It's like you are trying to buy friendship. Find new friends and gradually drop these ones. They're not your friends.

I would say to them that you're going out with kids on this date/ time and they are welcomed to book their own tickets to join you. Plus, to save money in these difficult times you are bringing your own snacks

If you go to NT/softplay with them, go and sit in the cafe and say ' Do you want to go up and order first, or shall I?'. That's it. You get your coffee, and juice/whatever for your DC, then bring it back to the table. No need for an awkward conversation.

Dear OP, this is your own doing to be honest but you have options:

• don't be a doormat and don't offer of you don't want to cover their expenses. If they assume you're covering and you don't say otherwise, it's your own doing
• If you're going out, perhaps say we've just got out tickets, they still have some if you want to join?
• Food - shall we take it in turns, do you guys want to get yours whilst we watch the kids and vice versa
• Reevaluate the friendship - Do they only want to do things because you pay for them?
• Stop the free baby sitting - if you're passive about it then it's your own doing
• Find your kids some other friends who do things on a more equal basis
• Finally, if it was my child, personally I would prefer that they were under my nose but that's just me rather than loitering over at a friends house. I would send the kids home before tea time so there are no expectations and you're not being mean about food. Though --- if I cooked something tasty and they hadn't been around for a while, sure, invite them to join BUT make the offer first rather than being expected to do it.

If you're still offering and being passive, you're being unreasonable to complain because you've effectively taught them to treat you like a free for all doormat. Hate to be brutal.

@Velvetween

I dislike confrontation”

Why do so many posters confuse being assertive with confrontation? OP why do you somehow construe buying you and your kids your own coffee and snacks in a cafe as confrontation.

I always think this. I understand that some people are timid or anxious, but asserting yourself isn't confrontation.

What is wrong with you? Stop being a walk over and letting people take advantage of you. You need to stop hanging out with these people and stop having them over to your house.

@moti100
I am new to Mumsnet so not sure about the typical abbreviations to be used

Here you go, acronyms list

www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Agree with so many previous posters.

Not offering dinner and to pay for everyone all the time is not ‘confrontation’.