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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited

29 replies

Londonlade · 31/10/2022 07:48

I have a friend who I would class as a good friend (we don’t see each other lots but every now and then) and our children are nearly identical in age. She popped round yesterday and just casually mentioned her sons party that she had had last week. I had no idea this party had even happened. She didn’t invite me or my son. AIBU to a) be upset that she didn’t invite us and b) think it’s odd that she would bring it up so casually to me like I’m so irrelevant that it doesn’t even matter than she didn’t invite us. Just made me feel like I was a nothing person to her and my feelings didn’t matter at all. The party wasn’t small by the sounds of it - at her house with bouncing castle and entertainer etc. Kids are preschool so not like they have a whole class to invite.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 07:50

we don’t see each other lots but every now and then

There is your answer, just because you have ids the same age that does not make them friends.

Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 07:53

@ZeroFuchsGiven they are at the age where I would argue no child really has ‘friends’- more the mum has mum friends so the children know each other that way. If it came down to everyone at the party having to be a ‘friend’ to this baby it would be next to no-one there. I have know this person for 25 years.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 31/10/2022 07:53

YABU
Your children have different friends groups. The party was her sons, not hers. If we all invited all our friends and their children to our own DCs birthday parties, our DCs wouldn't have room for their own friends!! Bouncy castle parties are best kept small... 6-8 toddlers at most

Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 07:54

@Tiani4 there were at least 25 children there. Many mutual friends also

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 31/10/2022 07:56

I'm sure she has her reasons for structuring the party as she did. Her mentioning it so casually suggests to me that she didn't mean anything bad by not inviting you, assuming she's not the type to rub something in your face. I wouldn't worry about it too much. You don't see each other much, so maybe she had a family only party, or preschool classmates only, or just a friend or two. It's unlikely to be personal.

Tiani4 · 31/10/2022 07:56

Cross poster with OP

She's picked a group of toddler friends to her DS and their parents to invite- toddler parties are much easier when people know each other - Probably from nursery or a play group.
It really doesn't matter. It's hardly a snub.

Now not inviting you to her 40th birthday as you and her are actual friends would be different. You are overthinking this OP it's just some cake and a bouncy castle for toddlers

Violettaa · 31/10/2022 07:57

I have a friend who I would class as a good friend (we don’t see each other lots but every now and then)

What makes you class her as a good friend of you don’t see her much? If it’s something like distance I can see why you Woodbridge have been an automatic thought for a kids birthday.

lifeinthehills · 31/10/2022 07:57

Londonlade · 31/10/2022 07:54

@Tiani4 there were at least 25 children there. Many mutual friends also

Maybe you're not as close as you thought? Maybe she invited only people from a particular location, such as preschool?

POTC · 31/10/2022 07:59

You don't see her often and the kids are young so unlikely to remember each other between meetings. The party will have been children that the birthday child sees regularly, why would she have invited you?

Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 08:01

Maybe I am over thinking. I just would have invited her as we have known each other pretty much our whole lives and see each other with the children occasionally, as well as going out just us with other friends. Just seemed odd to me to invite some mutual friends and then mention it so casually when she didn’t invite us. I guess I need to be more selective with parties for my own child!

OP posts:
EarWormZ · 31/10/2022 08:02

if you saw each other frequently and your dc were friends, then I’d agree that this would be upsetting, but you don’t see each other that often, so I wouldn’t feel upset about it.

Do you buy each other’s dc presents/card?

Are you or your friend not on social media?

Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 08:07

@EarWormZ yes buy presents and cards usually

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 31/10/2022 08:20

Did you get her son a birthday present and card this year? And give it to her in time for his birthday?
If yes, then that is crap of her and pull back
If not, and you make no mention of it, then she isn't a great friend op.

Tillow4ever · 31/10/2022 08:22

Is it possible that she thought she'd invited you, but actually hadn't - and her mentioning the party was a passive aggressive way of getting you to apologise for not replying or turning up?

I can imagine the opposite post "I have a good friend of 25 years. Our children are the same age. We don't see each other often, but do try to meet up a few times a year. I recently asked her to come to my child's birthday party, but never had a reply nor did they turn up. I was feeling very upset. The next time I saw her, I mentioned the party to try to get her to apologise, but she completely ignored the comment."

Talk to her. Tell her you were upset at not being invited and that you felt like the comment was a little insensitive. Or be a bit PA if you don't like confrontation and say "little x would have loved to have gone to a party like that, hope he makes the list next year". But if you do nothing, you will let this resentment grow, and that's not healthy.

Arenanewbie · 31/10/2022 08:24

I think that she wants to be in good relationship with you but doesn’t particularly keen on your DC being friends. It could be for various reasons. How friendly are your children when they see each other? Do they play nicely? Does you child has additional needs whereas hers is high achiever? Is she planning to go private whereas you are not? Are you (and your partners) about the same level socially atm? I wouldn’t count past e.g went to the same primary school, it stayed in the past.

I’m sure a lot of posters will come and say it’s nonsense and it’s just about numbers.No, it’s not if she’s invited more then 3-5 children.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 08:27

If you see each other now and again and your children are preschool age, how many times have they actually met?

Todaynotalways · 31/10/2022 08:27

Even at preschool age we did nursery class parties, and only invited kids from DD's nursery class rather than external friends.

Especially if we were sharing the party with another child/family.

Could it be that? Shared birthday, limited numbers, most children from their preschool setting?

Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 08:29

It was mutual friends. Whose children are similar to ours in the amount they meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 08:29

Tbh I think if I were her I wouldn’t have mentioned it. I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

OP posts:
Hotcuppatea · 31/10/2022 08:31

This is a good thing OP. It means there is no mutual obligation and when your children are old enough to know exactly who they want at their parties you won't feel obliged to shoehorn this child of your friend in too.

One fewer party to go to will feel like bliss once your child is at school and is going to parties every weekend. Honestly.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 31/10/2022 08:33

How do you know that they meet roughly the same amount of times as you?

If you were all as close as you think, seems strange that none of the mutual mates mentioned it in passing when you’ve talked.

Darbs76 · 31/10/2022 08:35

Yes you’ve a right to feel hurt by this. All my lifetime friends would have invited my child if we lived nearby.

Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 08:49

Thanks @Hotcuppatea thats a good alway of looking at it

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonlade · 31/10/2022 08:49

Thanks @Darbs76

OP posts:
Autumninnewyork · 31/10/2022 09:21

Honestly, I would be hurt and confused too. Is it worth mentioning that to her?. In a really non-confrontational way, so she knows you’re not attacking her

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