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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please read and tell me what you think.

37 replies

anorak · 28/01/2008 19:38

DD (15) kept borrowing my camera without asking. The first couple of times I said please ask, then I won't spend hours searching for it. She carried on borrowing it without asking. So I got cross and said, just don't touch it any more. As soon as I went into hospital for my operation, she took it, DH mentioned it when he was visiting. He didn't know she wasn't supposed to have it. So I was in hospital getting along fine and then this upset me. When I got home I got the camera back and had a go at her. We bought her a secondhand camera, and also gave her 100 pounds for Christmas to buy herself a new one. Then it disappeared again and has been missing for weeks.

I've searched the house twice, asked her numerous times if she has it (flatly denies it), felt very upset each time there was something I wanted to photograph and couldn't, didn't know whether to buy a new one or wait for it to turn up.

Anyway a friend mentioned to me yesterday she had seen lovely new pics of DD on facebook, well obviously I was suspicious so finally today I searched her room - and found it. Very much deliberately hidden.

So I have taken her laptop and hidden it to see what she says and how annoying she's going to find it. And to see if I can get a confession out of her without having to force it. I'm so fed up with being lied to. The camera is also broken by the way (prob why she did not sneak it back into its usual place).

Can't decide exactly what to do about it either, hate to have to discipline her as she is normally very good and has been through a lot of trauma in the last couple of years - think she ought to know right from wrong by now - oh I don't know, any suggestions?

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/01/2008 19:40

I think hiding her lap top is a bit tit for tat. If she cares so little that she won't leave things alone I think she will be furious with you about her lap top and not get the point at all.

I would make her pay for a new camera tbh. She had enough chances and she is old enough.

WorzselMummage · 28/01/2008 19:41

as the mother of a 3 year old i cant say i have any experience atall to offer you but i think if i were you i'd be keeping the laptop for a considerable amount of time, a couple of months maybe and then see how she likes it.

missingtheaction · 28/01/2008 19:42

easy for me to say, but I do think you should face up to her with this one. you have the right to your privacy and to have your belongings treated with respect - however tough things have been for her she needs to know that you know right from wrong. To this end, I personally understand why you swiped her laptop but it's not an especially adult response is it? . Have a 'punishment' in mind (no internet or something), be calm and straightforward and then move on.

ooh, advice is so easy to dole out...

beansprout · 28/01/2008 19:43

Agree with NAB. I completely understand why you have hidden the lap top but it won't really resolve things. She needs to take responsibility for breaking the camera and some form of payment seems a good way of demonstrating this.

Good luck.

scottishmummy · 28/01/2008 19:51

Anorak, you are the adult who must demonsttae excemplary judgent verbl and social reasoning, and sit quoetly and calmly with your adolescent DD and explin the camera beongs to you, and you are disappointed/annoyed that it is borrowed without your consent

hiding her lap top is not providing any useful dialogue, opportunity to reflect, or alter future actions. you being petty and hiding her items , this indicates that it is acceptable to have tit for tat and hide and lie

DD is still adolescent only 15 she will have skewed impaired judgment. you need to take this into account

have a long chat. allow you both to express feelings

then promise her some girly mum time, hire a dvd phone a pizza and don't dwell upon this

hope your health post-operatively

funnypeculiar · 28/01/2008 19:57

Agree with NAB that, whilst I can emotionally understand you wanting to hide her laptop, it probably won't help. She'll just think you're being vindictive.

I assume she's been lying because she broke it, and knew you'd be furious. Hiding it and denying everything presumably easier than facing up to the wrath of mum.

I would have said she needs to earn your trust back (is there anything else she borrows without asking?), as well as finding a way to contribute, at least, to the cost of a new one. Both of those feel like 'natural consequences' of the behaviour...

hifi · 28/01/2008 20:14

i disagree, i dont see any harm in letting her feel what its like to be taken advantage of.she is 15 and should be owning up to her mistakes, dont pussyfoot around her, be firm with her if she confronts you about it.

scottishmummy, i think you are giving an idealised version of what should go on, not real life.

fizzbuzz · 28/01/2008 20:15

What happened to the £100 for Christmas?

Original poster
anorak · 28/01/2008 20:17

I just had to pop out, and in the car I thought to myself I bet they all say it's childish to hide her laptop and sure enough...

OK I've put it back, she isn't home yet so no harm done there, but I wouldn't have kept it for long, just would have given her five minutes to feel how annoying it is. I was then going to have it out with her. It's pure frustration, I'm always so calm and reasonable and effing understanding, and people ride roughshod over my feelings because I can never bring myself to retaliate.

I've had all the talks you describe scottishmummy, had them all ad infinitum. I do not believe in extra treats (ie pizza) as a response to poor behaviour, however she does need some one to one, I've been thinking lately, but she never has time left for me at the end of the week!

OP posts:
Kimi · 28/01/2008 20:17

Hello Anorak, sorry to hear this,I would go with removing her things until she learns to respect your things.
As she has been told before not to take it without asking and as it is now broken and as she lied about having it.

Please don't let things upset you, you need to concentrate on getting well.
xxxx

SoupDragon · 28/01/2008 20:18

Hide the laptop in the place you retrieved the camera from. Then see what she says.

If she mentions the missing laptop, ask if she's looked in

WinkyWinkola · 28/01/2008 20:20

Why don't you sit and down with her and tell her, very calmly and kindly that you found your camera, that is was broken and that you're really not happy about it. She broke your trust. She can't be trusted again until she proves she is worth it.

Wait for her response.

Ask her what she thinks you should do about it. Give her the chance to come up with a solution.

If you're not happy with her solution (she might say she wants £10 extra pocket money! ), then tell her that she will be paying for a new camera.

I reckon that's enough of a punishment.

funnypeculiar · 28/01/2008 20:20

good to know we're so predictable consistent

scottishmummy · 28/01/2008 20:20

not idealised at all actually. Sound verbal and cognitive reasoning. transferable skills, time to reflect on one's actions, and making allowances for an adolescent's some time impaired judgment

Ahhh so i see does that mean Idealised = calm, quiet, explorative discussion. well im happy to purport my idealised view thank you very much

so what do you suggest in a non-idealised world?

Carmenere · 28/01/2008 20:21

I think you shouldn't hide the laptop but confiscate it instead as punishment. Btw I know she is your darling and you love her but iirc she hasn't been normally 'very good'. didn't she give you a hard time before you went into hospital? 15 isn't a baby and she has two loving parents and a good home, she has no excuse to be behaving like a spoilt brat.

Original poster
anorak · 28/01/2008 20:23

fizzbuzz she has been waiting for the camera she wants to come into stock.

But she has the secondhand one.

I doubt she would have been terrified of my wrath, I rarely every get that cross, that's why she ignores me I suppose.

OP posts:
Kimi · 28/01/2008 20:27

Make her spend the money on a new camera for you, and make do with the second hand one she has for a while longer.

Has she been in contact with D or S? Is it just the camera thing?

Original poster
anorak · 28/01/2008 20:29

soupy I can't fit her laptop into a boot!

winky I was thinking of asking her what she would do if she were me. I might get her to think of it from my side then.

You're right Carmenere but in general she is a good girl, keeps her room tidy, works hard at school, stuff like that. This camera thing seems to be a sticking point though.

Kimi yes I have been absolutely fine with the cancer the only thing that has stressed me out here and there is children, and most often the issue of this camera.

OP posts:
hifi · 28/01/2008 20:30

i dont think teenagers respond that way, i never did and the ones i know would just switch off.

you have to be very firm, show them whos boss and that you mean business. not by the book i know but they arnt either.

Original poster
anorak · 28/01/2008 20:30

I don't know Kimi. Not as far as I know. They didn't even send her a Christmas card.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/01/2008 20:32

Put it under the boot? You need to think creatively

Mind you, will you have to put up with the "invasion of privacy" strop?

SoupDragon · 28/01/2008 20:33

Actually, if you're really cross it's fairly easy to fit a laptop in a book with the aid of a large hammer and a chisel.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2008 20:33

in a boot

hunkermunker · 28/01/2008 20:35

Have you asked her why she wanted to keep borrowing the camera? What was it about your camera that she's so blase about lying to you about it?

hunkermunker · 28/01/2008 20:35

And I too hope you're feeling well - you don't need this though