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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally exhausted?

29 replies

Amonkeyateatree · 30/10/2022 21:06

Currently working double shifts (12 hrs mon - fri) at work as we need the money. 2 DC (teens). DH works FT.
I've not sat down all weekend. Food shop delivery & put away/car repairs/buying school stuff/tidying house/clearing up dishwasher leak/seeing parents (who moaned I don't see them enough)/seeing friends (who I've been promising to drop in on for weeks)/sorting DC/carving pumpkins/second food shop (for bits not arrived in the first food shop)/washing/covid vaccination
I'm beyond shattered. And my home to do list is huge. DH never sees any of it that needs doing and when I ask him he says it doesn't need Doing (nope, we don't need to have DC school blazer mended and yes we can live in a shit hole)
It all starts again tomorrow with another 12 hour shift. Moaned at by parents for not seeing them enough. Hints from some friends that I don't see them enough. Expectations from other friends to drop everything to see them.
Had my 3rd vaccination today. I hope I'm ill from it tomorrow and can spend the day in bed ! I was ill with the other 2.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 30/10/2022 21:09

What do your dc do to help?

Can you have a strategic chat with them and DH to shift some jobs from you to them (DH as well)? Then put it in writing with deadlines and quality expectations (one of the dc can write it up) and stick it on the fridge

CheezePleeze · 30/10/2022 21:12

YABU if you have a capable adult DH and 2 teens and you're doing all of that yourself.

Who were you carving pumpkins for and why?

Original poster
Amonkeyateatree · 30/10/2022 21:14

Carving pumpkins with DC 13. She still needs some supervision with a knife, especially if carving. And can't do some of the difficult bits

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 30/10/2022 21:17

Your children can help out surely if they are teenagers.

There's not much point hoping you're ill to get a day in bed. Either pretend you're ill or just stay in bed anyway and rest.

toomuchlaundry · 30/10/2022 21:19

Did you need to carve pumpkins? If you have so much on your plate some things have to give

CheezePleeze · 30/10/2022 21:19

Ok well you need to make the other 3 in your house step up and help out.

I'd start by making a housework rota. I did this when mine were teens and it was life changing.

DoodlePug · 30/10/2022 21:24

YANBU

Anyone would be exhausted from that.

Really need to cross as much off the list as possible, or at least plan a delay. Long lists are overwhelming.

Once the list is manageable others need to do a fair share. Do listen to DH when he says things don't need to be done, he may mean right now rather than ever, it's worth trying to understand.

DoodlePug · 30/10/2022 21:28

One thing that really helped me when I was overwhelmed and burned out was to do a reverse time planner.

Take each day and cross out the time for things that have to be done eg sleep, shower, cook and eat, commute and work.
Then look at what time is left. It's probably very little time.
How long would it take to do all the tasks on your list? Probably about 10 times the time you have available.
You need to be realistic about what you can achieve.

bonzaitree · 30/10/2022 21:35

When people hint you haven't seen them enough be honest about your schedule. Tell them you're literally just holding it together so whilst you'd love to see them more you can't.

Drop the rope seriously. As long as you have some food around for teens and you go to work, just chill. If the house is a mess the house is a mess. If you don't have all the ingredients for your online shop then you make pasta pesto for tea.

Is there anyone you can ask for help?

bonzaitree · 30/10/2022 21:37

Can you bribe teens to do chores with money / lifts?

bravelittletiger · 30/10/2022 21:40

You just need to stop doing some of it. It's genuinely as simple as that. Instead of doing x2 food shops just do one and live without the missing ingredients and then use that time to sit down. Or don't bother carving the pumpkins. Or don't see some of the friends you've seen and chill out instead. Or tell your DH and kids to do some of the jobs on the to do list. You're doing too much so just don't do it. It's not a competition.

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/10/2022 21:59

Carving pumpkins is a man's job. Your DH should be encouraged to be competitive and perfectionist about it like BBQs. I was shit at pumpkin carving from my kids 2nd birthday ergo my DH has been known to spend HOURS carving the Liverpool Liver Bird symbol. Delegate or lunch out stuff that directly effects him. No clean socks? Oh dear. No nice bread. Oh dear. Stop doing everything.

RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 22:23

Amonkeyateatree · 30/10/2022 21:14

Carving pumpkins with DC 13. She still needs some supervision with a knife, especially if carving. And can't do some of the difficult bits

When mine were secondary aged they got on with things like that by themselves.
If you want a rest, have a rest. You don't need the excuse of a covid jab. As others have pointed out you have 3 others in the family that are able to share the load.

Original poster
Amonkeyateatree · 31/10/2022 05:15

Just to give an insight into my DH ...
He doesn't believe in making beds or opening curtains (his words)
The hoover is apparently the wrong shape for him to use (he's not disabled)
I once purposely left the bins for him to empty, but I had to step in when maggots crawled out the top. Also once left the washing up/dishwasher too. When there was no spare space to stack dirty dishes, I had to step in.
The one time he did use the hoover, he hoovered up half a can of spilt baked beans. The hoover stunk for weeks.

OP posts:
MrsBudd · 31/10/2022 05:26

Oh my goodness, why on earth did you marry and have kids with this man 😑 has he always been this way?!

Bramblejoos · 31/10/2022 05:31

Could DPs help out. Are they retired? If so perhaps DF might be happy to see to car servicing, DM do some shopping. Might shame DH into helping more.

I'm retired and though I fill my time I make space for childminding etc for my adult DCs.

bonzaitree · 31/10/2022 06:58

Amonkeyateatree · 31/10/2022 05:15

Just to give an insight into my DH ...
He doesn't believe in making beds or opening curtains (his words)
The hoover is apparently the wrong shape for him to use (he's not disabled)
I once purposely left the bins for him to empty, but I had to step in when maggots crawled out the top. Also once left the washing up/dishwasher too. When there was no spare space to stack dirty dishes, I had to step in.
The one time he did use the hoover, he hoovered up half a can of spilt baked beans. The hoover stunk for weeks.

Get him out your house. What a pig.

Stickmansmum · 31/10/2022 07:08

You’re surrounded by useless people. I don’t know what else to say. But you do have to learn to delegate. The kids can hoover, laundry, clean kitchen, do dishwasher, tidy any room, cook, put away food shop, prep their own school stuff, etc. there is literally nothing they can’t do.

For your DH, ideally you’d tell him you wish to separate from his useless lazy ass. But maybe he’s ok in other ways so that’s a bit extreme. Give him some very set jobs and if he doesn’t do them or does them shut tilt on purpose, stop his meals and laundry.

Thedungeondragon · 31/10/2022 07:10

Well something has to give because if you carry on like that you are going to make yourself ill. If your DH is so useless around the house can he take over working overtime so you can at least reduce the hours you are working? Can the DC be given a job each around the house?

Y7drama · 31/10/2022 07:19

Why are you with your DH, what does he bring to the table?

Gunpowder · 31/10/2022 07:19

Haven’t read the update about your DH I think that’s a big part of the problem. I get frustrated with mine but even he can manage to stack the dishwasher and empty the bins. It’s not ok OP. I’m so sorry you are living with this and I’m so sorry you are so tired. We are here for you.

Gunpowder · 31/10/2022 07:20

having not haven’t

zhivagodr · 31/10/2022 07:22

Ahhhhh, so you definitely have a DH problem!!

sst1234 · 31/10/2022 07:23

bonzaitree · 30/10/2022 21:37

Can you bribe teens to do chores with money / lifts?

Why bribe? Why not tell them what needs doing? What’s with all this tip toeing around teens?

toomuchlaundry · 31/10/2022 07:25

Has he ever done housework?

Do teens help with chores?