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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this really fucking irritating?

83 replies

WhatToys · 30/10/2022 14:51

DH has this habit of hearing the end of a conversation and wanting to know what it was about. Doesn't sound too annoying, but it's ALL THE TIME.

For example, just now DS and I were talking about chilli peanuts, and I agreed with him that they're nice. DH hard me saying that they're nice and he pops his head out wanting to know what's nice.

Or he comes in on the end of a conversation where he hears one of us saying something innocuous like "Yeah I know" or "I suppose" or whatever and he's looking around going "What?" wanting to know what the conversation was about.

I wouldn't mind if he heard "Oh my god, are you serious??!" or "No way! That's amazing!" - something that sounds really interesting - but it's just random, not especially interesting, conversations which DH then expects us to relay back to him.

There's no issue of us hiding anything from him - that has never been the case, so it's not like he has some kind of worry in that regard. He's just being nosy, and I'm finding it really fucking irritating.

AIBU? Would this annoy you and if so what would you do / say? I don't want to make a big deal thing of it.

OP posts:
Byfleet · 30/10/2022 17:14

OP I understand exactly what you mean and I don’t get why so many other people haven’t really read what you said.

DH does this and when I tried to tell him it was annoying to have to rehash mundane chat he accused me of being impatient. So, recently I have taken a different approach based on the ‘grey rock’ technique. I try very very hard not to show any annoyance at all and just say to him ‘oh it’s really not worth repeating’ and then move on to another topic. I think it will eventually work because he will get no reward from it anymore (ie. he won’t get the useless info he wants and he won’t wind me up either-I think that‘s what he secretly wants)

I have had great success with this technique in putting a stop to DH asking where things are. For years I would patiently take it on as if it were my problem to find his things for him. Later on I wasn’t patient at all and used to get really annoyed. So he would tell me I was unhelpful and tetchy. So a couple of years ago it decided to answer very calmly and politely ‘I don’t know where that is’ grey rock style. And eventually he stopped asking. Result!

RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 17:15

GoldenOmber · 30/10/2022 17:10

Tut tut, OP, were you not aware that nobody's allowed to grumble on Mumsnet? It's divorce-worthy flaming rows ONLY! Grin

One of my DC does this (despite being asked politely not to multiple times, sigh) and my MIL does this and would cry if asked not to. It isn't the worst thing in the world but it is really bloody irritating.

She can grumble if she likes, but it’s not going to fix the issue. Speaking to her husband might, though.

my MIL does this and would cry if asked not to

WTF?!

Original poster
WhatToys · 30/10/2022 22:33

GoldenOmber · 30/10/2022 17:10

Tut tut, OP, were you not aware that nobody's allowed to grumble on Mumsnet? It's divorce-worthy flaming rows ONLY! Grin

One of my DC does this (despite being asked politely not to multiple times, sigh) and my MIL does this and would cry if asked not to. It isn't the worst thing in the world but it is really bloody irritating.

Oops - sorry, I'll LTB with immediate effect! 😉

OP posts:
CassandraBarrett · 30/10/2022 22:38

My DC age 5 does this

CheezePleeze · 30/10/2022 22:40

To be honest, no it wouldn't annoy me.

HiCandles · 30/10/2022 22:43

My mum does this. It really irritates me. Just pure nosiness. I pulled her up on it once and like a PP's MIL, she got upset saying she was just taking an interest in our lives and would I rather she didn't care etc etc. So it continues 🙄

Original poster
WhatToys · 30/10/2022 23:22

HiCandles · 30/10/2022 22:43

My mum does this. It really irritates me. Just pure nosiness. I pulled her up on it once and like a PP's MIL, she got upset saying she was just taking an interest in our lives and would I rather she didn't care etc etc. So it continues 🙄

Yeah that's the thing @HiCandles, it's kind of hard to phrase it the right way so that it doesn't sound like you're trying to shut the person out. How did you put it when you said it to your mum?

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 23:28

Him: What?
You: oh we were just saying how you always walk in on a conversation and expect the whole thing to be repeated for you

Sneezesthrice · 30/10/2022 23:34

I’d repeat the ENTIRE convo like this

he said: blah blah
i said: blah blah
he said: blah blah

etc but in the most monotone voice I could.

Every single time.

No summing up, no “oh we were just talking about”

Repeat it like a really boring voice recording.

He will soon stop because he will wish he never asked.

Original poster
WhatToys · 30/10/2022 23:34

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 23:28

Him: What?
You: oh we were just saying how you always walk in on a conversation and expect the whole thing to be repeated for you

😅 Very good @beastlyslumber, I like that! A gentle light-hearted ribbing rather than telling him it's annoying!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToys · 30/10/2022 23:38

Sneezesthrice · 30/10/2022 23:34

I’d repeat the ENTIRE convo like this

he said: blah blah
i said: blah blah
he said: blah blah

etc but in the most monotone voice I could.

Every single time.

No summing up, no “oh we were just talking about”

Repeat it like a really boring voice recording.

He will soon stop because he will wish he never asked.

Hmm, good idea too, except I don't think I'd be able to pull that off without sounding snarky 😄

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 23:41

WhatToys · 30/10/2022 23:34

😅 Very good @beastlyslumber, I like that! A gentle light-hearted ribbing rather than telling him it's annoying!

Show quote history

Or you could make up ridiculous things. We were just discussing whether the pyramids were really built by aliens. I was just saying how I think I was a fruitbat in a previous life. Have fun with it!

Original poster
WhatToys · 30/10/2022 23:46

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 23:41

Or you could make up ridiculous things. We were just discussing whether the pyramids were really built by aliens. I was just saying how I think I was a fruitbat in a previous life. Have fun with it!

Show quote history

Ha ha @beastlyslumber, I like your style!! 😁

OP posts:
ALittleBitofVitriol · 30/10/2022 23:51

Has he been home more than usual recently OP? 😄
Yeah, my dh does it too, usually it's nbd but sometimes you just grit your teeth. In the grand scheme of an otherwise wonderful marriage, let it go!

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 30/10/2022 23:59

My dad does this.

It’s infuriating and nothing to do with him being left out. Just profound - misplaced - nosiness when he happens upon the end of a banal exchange between me and my mother.

I don’t understand it at all.

Original poster
WhatToys · 31/10/2022 09:35

ALittleBitofVitriol · 30/10/2022 23:51

Has he been home more than usual recently OP? 😄
Yeah, my dh does it too, usually it's nbd but sometimes you just grit your teeth. In the grand scheme of an otherwise wonderful marriage, let it go!

😆 No, not around more than usual. We both work from home (but have separate offices) and have done for many years. Nothing has changed, except this annoying habit. Or maybe he always did it and I'm only noticing it lately. I don't think so though 🤔

It's a great marriage / partnership overall. Workload shared, mental load shared, both equally involved in everything to do with kids, etc. So I'm just gritting my teeth when this happens. Usually I pretend I didn't hear him the first time 😅 but might try addressing it humorously now as suggested upthread.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/10/2022 09:39

It’s like when someone walks into the room as the end credits are rolling on a film and asks ‘what was that about?’

@WhatToys both DH and I do this sometimes - the stock response is ‘we’re talking about you not to you’ (sounds harsh written down but it’s all in jest!)

Or you could get a classic Alan Partridge or Monty Python quip to deliver Grin

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2022 09:40

Don’t you just say “Oh, nothing important” (if it would take a long time to explain) or “Chilli nuts” (or whatever, if it wouldn’t)?

Is he easily offended?

threecupsofscreams · 31/10/2022 09:42

The way to stop this is to ignore him. Just don't answer. He'll soon get the hint trust me.

lonelyinyournightmare · 31/10/2022 09:47

My OH does this - all the time, and yes it is irritating.

I do say to him, really - do you want to know because it really isn't a conversation you would have any interest in. He then gets uppity with me. I have now taken to going into great detail about the conversation - usually one of my hobbies that bore him rigid. I am hoping to cure him eventually.

I get you OP. It is a waste of time and utterly boring to relay a conversation that was either pretty dull to begin with, or of utterly no interest to a third party.

lannistunut · 31/10/2022 09:51

Either it is annoying or it isn't. If it is genuinely annoying, just ask him to stop. If it isn't something you are findinge asy to bring up, it might be a sign that you are being a bit precious about something quite small.

Me and DH have both got more annoying in some ways as we have aged - I repeat myself more, he mishears things more - we just take the piss really as the alternative is being permanently grumpy about nothing.

lannistunut · 31/10/2022 09:52

Nothing has changed, except this annoying habit. I bet his hearing has changed just enough for him not to know what you are talking about, whereas before he could identify the topic and choose to zone it out.

SeaToSki · 31/10/2022 09:59

Take a moment when you are both happy and calm

DH, i have noticed you xyand z and its driving me a bit batty. Could we agree that you will try and cut back on the amount you do it and I will promise to repeat any conversation that i think you would find genuinely interesting or benefit from hearing

then see how it goes

CFLandlordStory · 31/10/2022 10:00

I do this. Related to fear of abandonment i think. If you're left out its because you're not as loved or will slowly be forgotten? Something like that, on a low level.

dudsville · 31/10/2022 10:02

Well this thread is iluminating. Reading your original post I thought he sounds like a nice guy who just wants to be a part of things. I guess I've got to experience it to understand, but you and the rest of the posters agreeing with you have reminded me of people who come late to meetings and the tedium I experience when everything has to be repeated. Is it like that?