AIBU to seek a doctors note for autistic DD

[87SPD]

Hi there,

Hope you manage to get to the end of this 🙈

I have posted previously about my DD12 who I suspected had autism and was really struggling with High School. Well, since then we arranged a private ASD assessment and she has been diagnosed with Autism and the report was difficult to read highlighting ‘significant’ and ‘longstanding’ difficulties.

I am still processing the diagnosis and trying to overcome the guilt that I am feeling for not noticing when she was younger as in hindsight and with recent knowledge of Autsim, it has always been obvious and i hate myself for allowing her to struggle for so long without knowing exactly how she was feeling. (She is emotionally illiterate but extremely compliant and always been close/clingy with me)

Anyway, I now want to do all I can to help her and make the environment around her as comfortable as possible. This includes school, I haven’t found the SEN department very helpful, she has had really poor attendance this year due to school refusal (when I say refusal she doesn’t kick off but she spends the whole night crying, not sleeping and is physically distressed each morning) the school have known since Y7 our parental concerns and once we said we were seeking an ASD assessment they did finally agree to meet us face to face and arranged leave early passes for DD and small noise cancelling ear phones for her. However the communication since has been shocking, I have emailed SEN and the head of year to say she is struggling and distressed about school and that we are really trying to encourage her to come in as we want her in school but also concerned for her mental welfare and trying to get the balance right, explained we have got her a counsellor etc. I didn’t even receive a reply! Just a knock on the door from an attendance officer who didn’t know she had Autism either so clearly not shared!

Other children have commented on DD and some of her ‘odd’ behaviour and this doesn’t seem to bother DD but as a parent it bothers me as I see her a vulnerable and she doesn’t understand that they are taking the mick (thankfully she doesn’t care either)

We have had a lovely half term she has been much more relaxed but last night the anxiety kicked in again as school draws near, she was crying all night and shaking. I feel so helpless, DH thinks she needs to go into school and I agree but I genuinely can’t see her in distress and send her into a place where I am not convinced they even care enough to support her.

AIBU to seek a doctors note for anxiety if she becomes distressed again in the morning? I obviously want her to be in school and am trying to keep school a positive part of conversations etc but deep down the protective part of me doesn’t want her in a place with staff who can’t even email me back to reassure me or offer further support.

Would a GP even do a sick note for a child and would this stop education officers knocking on our door? Just to add I work from home and set her work to do throughout the day from online resources so she is actively learning still, probably more than when she is in school because she is relaxed at home.

Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated- thank you!

No help about the doctor but is home education something you could consider? My son is 8 but has never been to school as he was too anxious at nursery. He also has ASD and I know he wouldn't cope at school.
Appreciate home educating isn't something that works or is even possible for everyone but if your daughter is calmer at home and you are able to facilitate it it's another option.
We have a really helpful home education officer and she is even helping us apply for an EHCP in case we do wish to try education in the future.
Good luck

We had to take our dd with asd out after just a few weeks in year 7 as it made her physically ill it was dreadful so home education was our only option but she’s much better now we did have a few months where she couldn’t do any work at home as was unwell for a bit but it settled eventually

I would say you're actually best engaging with the education officers. The school sounds like it's been putting in an inadequate level of support for your dd so I'd be asking the EO what they would recommend and are they able to help you challenge the school? I'd put in a complaint over the lack of response to the school and the board because there's plenty they can try to help get her back in again for example reduced hours each day, a reduced timetable to begin with, identifying which specific aspects of school are difficult for her to manage and creating a plan for this, providing a classroom assistant and a quiet space she can go to if overwhelmed. They should be meeting with you to discuss options. At 12 they have a duty of care to your dd so they need to step up and be held accountable.

TBH I think this is tricky. A ‘sick note’ is for employment purposes, so obviously not suitable for your DD. A letter would mean the GP has to understand and agree with your assessment of what is good for your DD and this is more of an educational issue than a medical one IMO.

Are their other secondary options locally that are worth considering? We have a number near us and one in particular gets rave reviews for their SEN support. I’m not sure I’d permit a school refuser (albeit for reasonable cause) a day off but I would discuss how she wants to address this to continue her education. Good luck, it sounds really stressful.

I also think home education is what she needs. I think if you were to concentrate on just English and Maths it would be helpful for her. You could spend time taking her to places to encourage social skills and work on what you think she lacks to be part of everyday life and society.

Hopefully it’s something you could facilitate.

I don’t think you'll need a doctors note if DD has a diagnosis.

If you can afford an occupational therapist assessment then I'd go down that route.

The OT will highlight areas where DD needs help and offer suggestions on how her environment could adjust when necessary to help her.

Movement breaks, resource hours, extra social activities during school hours.

It covered a range of options for DS and the school accepted it, no problems.

Keeping her off unless homeschooling should be the last option.

The school have a legal duty to educate your child because you have effectively passed your legal duty on to them. They will have a way of doing that and it requires your child to be on site. I can't see long term doctor's notes being acceptable to them as their focus will be ensuring your dd has an education and they're answerable to the LEA for that. There would always be pressure to resolve this quickly. Unfortunately if that goes hand in hand with an inability on the school's part to meet your child's needs so she can attend school, you have a problem. You run the risk of appearing like the problem to the LEA as unfortunately there are many parents who don't get their kids to school and don't have a valid reason. They're used to seeing that narrative and responding to that.

Have you advocated as much as you can with senco, had one to one meetings, worked to get diagnosis, concrete strategies, statement or similar?

When you say she's learning at home, that's great but it won't matter to the school because they don't have a way of allowing for that unless you make a formal agreement undertake part of the legal responsibility to educate your child (flexi schooling). If you think it would help her you could see if they'll consider it.

You can also take your legal responsibility to educate completely into your own hands and deregister if you believe it's in her best interests. If doing that, IMO best not to get into poor standing with the school (as LEA then have a reason to raise concerns and interfere) or get a statement. Sooner rather than later.

Best not to get a statement, I meant. Your rights are fettered a bit.

You don’t need a doctor’s note in order for the absence to be authorised. Medical evidence should only be requested when the authenticity of the illness is in question. Here is the attendance guidance.

If you haven’t already applied for an EHCNA you should. IPSEA and SOSSEN have lots of helpful information on their websites, including a model letter you can use to request an EHCNA. If you post on the SN boards there’s lots of helpful posters there too.

If DD can’t attend school full time the LA should be providing alternative education. This should begin once it becomes clear DD will miss 15 days.

Whatever you do don’t deregister and EHE! Parents often find it easier to to get support when on a school’s roll even if DC can’t attend. Crudely you are someone’s ‘problem’. Whereas if you deregister the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby relieving them of their duties, and it is too easy for professionals to sweep DC’s needs u dear the carpet.

The school sound shit. My daughter has an ASD appt on Monday. She’s 16. It’s a long wait list and she didn’t present as typical symptoms.

Thingd the school could do:
Put her an a part time tomrtable
Let her spend breaks and dinner in Learning support
Givr get someone to speak to
Give her a pass to stand outside in lessons when she is overwhelmed. The school is at fault not your daughter.

Sending her in will probably make her worse intil something is put in place. She may settle in time. The first term is very hard for y7

The doctor wouldn't be able to do a sick
Note. They could do a private letter to state she has anxiety etc but there's normally a cost and it's whether the school would take this as proof that your daughter has anxiety solely because of going to school.

When you say she's learning at home, that's great but it won't matter to the school because they don't have a way of allowing for that unless you make a formal agreement undertake part of the legal responsibility to educate your child (flexi schooling).

This isn’t correct. Pupils unable to attend school full time due to their health &/or SEN can be educated at home (for some or all of the time) whilst remaining on the school’s roll without their parents having to take on responsibility for their DC’s education. If a pupil can’t attend school full time the LA must provide alternative education that meets their needs, this can include home tuition.

This would just be letting the school and LA off the hook. It doesn't solve anything. You need to hold them to their legal obligations to your daughter, not give them a free pass to fail her.

You need to do a parental request for an EHCP. In the meantime the SENCO should have a SEN plan for her and be putting in place reasonable adjustments to help her back to school. She may need a different school with a better SEN team. She shouldn't need a Drs note with a diagnosis but it might keep the attendance officer at bay for now. Please don't force a distressed child into school (We've been there- I understand)

You need to go into the school office and ask to make an appointment with her head of year or someone from the pastoral / send team.

In the meantime, think about what would help your dd attend school. There will be some things they can do. This could include access to somewhere quiet at break or lunch. She could have a pass to leave class and could attend part time. Be aware though that there is no magic wand. Some of the things that your dd might find difficult about school such as being in a large classroom with her peers, corridors being noisy etc are not things that can be changed. They can definitely support her and consider what would make it easier for her though. You will also still need to get her to attend. None of the measures above will be helpful if she doesn't attend.

I would be very careful about going down the route of setting her online work and getting notes to say she is too anxious to attend. Once this starts, it very rarely leads to returning to school. Instead, the young person feels much more comfortable at home and prefers to stay there. Now many people will pile on and suggest this is the best option and it might be but you will then have to fight for provision other than at school. For many young people this is a small amount of home tutoring. This will limit her horizons long term potentially and will be unlikely to replicate school lessons as the tutor will not be a specialist in all the subjects your dd might be interested in or might need. You could consider online schooling also but again once you start this route, it might be much harder to return to in person schooling in the future.

OP please do not deregister or consider EHE!
You'd likely lose any LA funded specialist support- unfortunately threads like this often see people advising this but the fact is there are alternatives to school yes, but removing yourself from any support is foolish with SEND children.

Agree with those above recommending dealing with your LA SEND team directly and submitting an EHCNA request. With a fully rounded assessment you might well consider applying for EOTAS where you can include some helpful therapeutic activities, tailored and targeted learning and some SEMH support too.

Best of luck, it's a hard road to drive down but perseverance is how you reach the end!

Really appreciate your replies. This is causing a lot of tension at home between DH and I. He is a school teacher and comes from a place that she needs to be in school to be educated but I am the one who is dealing with everything in terms of seeking the diagnosis and arranging that, I did the parental interview alone so he had no part in that, I have researched non stop about Autism and help and looked into online schools and our budget to see how we could facilitate that. I have been the one in touch with the school since the start of year 7 over a year ago. He just keeps saying he’s not where I am yet! I work full time too but from home so I still have a large workload to consider as well feeling like a full time SAHM! It’s exhausting.

I really want to be head strong and hold the school to account and fight for her to receive the support etc but whilst all that goes on my DD will continue to be stressed, anxious and unhappy. It’s so heartbreaking and causing real stress, I just want her to be peaceful. She goes to football (this is an obsessive interest of hers) and is part of a local team, she doesn’t really socially interact with her team mates but enjoys the sport and being in a team training and playing each week so she does have out of school activities. She has no interest in friends and never goes out or has anyone over, through her own choice we found if we forced this she became very awkward and uncomfortable so accept that she doesn’t want it.

We also take her to many places with her younger DD such as walking holidays, swimming, sports centres, do crafts, play her favourite games etc. We ensure she has as many enriching experiences as possible with regards to travel and are enthusiastic about her interests, ie season ticket holder for the local football team.

I completely understand the comments about keeping her ‘in the system’ so there is help and I think this is something I didn’t consider previously. It’s just so stressful at the minute and I feel so alone in my desire to protect her, DH obviously has his own way of what he believes is protecting her but she only comes to me when distressed so it can seem like I am making it all worse by being over comforting and protective but I know if it was him she was crying to all night and him who had to speak to her each day on the phone whilst she walks home from school all nervous it would be different. He just says to tel her on the phone that I’m working but how can I do that when I know how anxious she is, she even stopped walking once due to a ‘closed road’ sign she physically wouldn’t walk past it so I had to leave work and go to her to show her she could carry on walking. She is in y8 now and I just don’t see a way out of the stress other than online schooling, but DH thinks I am jumping the gun and rushing.

Sorry for the rant! My DH is just as stressed as me in this situation and we are clearly on different pages with this.

Appreciate your responses and advice please keep them coming X

Section 19 provision absolutely should not be just a small amount of home tuition. That is not a suitable, full time education. LGO cases demonstrate this.

EOTAS via an EHCP does not have to limit horizons or be a small amount of tuition, and tuition can replicate school lessons (if that’s appropriate to their needs). Tuition doesn’t have to be provided via just one tutor. DS1 has EOTAS including subject specialist tuition, therapies, other provision and resources/equipments.

She needs to be in education, whether that's mainstream school, homeschooling or some other arrangement - a note to stay at home isn't helping her. Work with the senco at school to get a bespoke education plan that works for her. My dd had a space at school to work independently and could use the kettle in the school office for tea (this calmed her), she always went to school, I dropped her, but some days only managed until 11.30/12

You don’t need to fund it. The LA have a statutory duty to provide a suitable, full time education. That is sometimes via online education if that is what is appropriate. Although there are other options such as home tuition, hospital schooling or tuition at a small centre - it depends on DD’s needs.

If you go down the EHCP route you can also get online schooling funded via that, if that is what meets DD’s needs.

Just to reiterate OP staying on the school’s roll doesn’t mean DD has to attend if she isn’t able to.

@87SPD

I was a secondary teacher for a long long time. I wouldn’t force my dd in. They need to be in school IF they are ok in school. If they’re not then don’t force it.

My Dd has had a lot of time off with anxiety. She still came out with a big clutch of GCSE with really good grades. She had time off too with anxiety at the start of the 6th form. She is just beginning to pick herself up.

It is extremely stressful dealing with all the appointments and an ASD child. I cannot describe the hell of GCSE.

Your husband may be a teacher which is very stressful but he needs to step up and support you, and be more active in dealing with appts etc. The biggest cause of school refusal is ASD.

Ypir husband needs to take a parental approach rather than a teacher one. Forcing an ASD child into a difficct situation is not a recipe for success. They need time, reassurance and patience. She should be on a part time timetable.

Thatsnotmycar
I am sure you have fought long and hard to get that provision. It will not have been provided within a few weeks of being out of school. Yes, there are people who have managed to get great packages of EOTAS. However, it isn't easy to access and arrange. If the OP goes down this road, it will be a relatively tricky and long winded one. I have myself fought for specialist education for children with asd. It is not easy. It cost me a great deal financially and emotionally.

Ring her in sick each day with anxiety.

Make a GP appointment to get it recorded.

After 15 days the LA responsibility will kick in because it's long term sickness.

The bext thing you can do for your DD is learn the law and her rights and keep emailing to ask how they will discharge their duties in respect of that.

Also apply for EHCP assessment. If (when!) they refuse point out that you will appeal as it's clear MS school can't meet their needs with what is on offer. That's the threshold to meet.

I'd also email daily about the anxiety so you have a proper papertrail. ALWAYS say she's unwell with anxiety and too unwell to attend. Never say "refusing" as that makes it sound like a choice your dd is making - and it's not.

Have a look around as well at any specialist schools (especially independent ones for girls with autism) because you may end up fighting for a place at one of these.

It's really helpful knowing what LA should do Vs what they say. Your dd has a right to a FT education and they need to provide it.

I presume you wan't your Dd to live as full a life as possible? Then she needs not to be hiding away from every stressor, there are some things she can't change about herself obviously, but she can become stronger and braver and more capable.You need to be working with the school and see what can be put in place to make it a little easier to cope initially .You keeping her off is reinforcing her fears .