AIBU to seek a doctors note for autistic DD

[87SPD]

Hi there,

Hope you manage to get to the end of this 🙈

I have posted previously about my DD12 who I suspected had autism and was really struggling with High School. Well, since then we arranged a private ASD assessment and she has been diagnosed with Autism and the report was difficult to read highlighting ‘significant’ and ‘longstanding’ difficulties.

I am still processing the diagnosis and trying to overcome the guilt that I am feeling for not noticing when she was younger as in hindsight and with recent knowledge of Autsim, it has always been obvious and i hate myself for allowing her to struggle for so long without knowing exactly how she was feeling. (She is emotionally illiterate but extremely compliant and always been close/clingy with me)

Anyway, I now want to do all I can to help her and make the environment around her as comfortable as possible. This includes school, I haven’t found the SEN department very helpful, she has had really poor attendance this year due to school refusal (when I say refusal she doesn’t kick off but she spends the whole night crying, not sleeping and is physically distressed each morning) the school have known since Y7 our parental concerns and once we said we were seeking an ASD assessment they did finally agree to meet us face to face and arranged leave early passes for DD and small noise cancelling ear phones for her. However the communication since has been shocking, I have emailed SEN and the head of year to say she is struggling and distressed about school and that we are really trying to encourage her to come in as we want her in school but also concerned for her mental welfare and trying to get the balance right, explained we have got her a counsellor etc. I didn’t even receive a reply! Just a knock on the door from an attendance officer who didn’t know she had Autism either so clearly not shared!

Other children have commented on DD and some of her ‘odd’ behaviour and this doesn’t seem to bother DD but as a parent it bothers me as I see her a vulnerable and she doesn’t understand that they are taking the mick (thankfully she doesn’t care either)

We have had a lovely half term she has been much more relaxed but last night the anxiety kicked in again as school draws near, she was crying all night and shaking. I feel so helpless, DH thinks she needs to go into school and I agree but I genuinely can’t see her in distress and send her into a place where I am not convinced they even care enough to support her.

AIBU to seek a doctors note for anxiety if she becomes distressed again in the morning? I obviously want her to be in school and am trying to keep school a positive part of conversations etc but deep down the protective part of me doesn’t want her in a place with staff who can’t even email me back to reassure me or offer further support.

Would a GP even do a sick note for a child and would this stop education officers knocking on our door? Just to add I work from home and set her work to do throughout the day from online resources so she is actively learning still, probably more than when she is in school because she is relaxed at home.

Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated- thank you!

I didn’t say it was easy, but section 19 provision isn’t just a small amount of tuition and if that is all that is offered it can be challenged relatively quickly (in comparison to other SEN routes such as Tribunal) via JR. And EOTAS really doesn’t need to limit horizons or not include subject specialist tuition.

We had a slightly different journey to many in that DS1 crashed out of MS and then attended a CAMHS unit as a day patient.

Some schools have better pastoral care and senco support than others. Look at other schools in your area, read the ofstead reports. My son is at school in a bit of a rough catchment area but the school is absolutely amazing with SEND support probably due to this in my opinion.

A part time timetable isn’t appropriate long term as part time timetables should only be short term aimed at reintegration. After this, pupils should either be in school full time or alternative provision should be made to ensure DC receive a suitable, full time education.

@cansu @Thatsnotmycar
But the sad reality is that all SEND parents face unacceptable delays and spend significant time fighting for provision.

What's important to remember here is the educational "goal".

Education is a concept not a building. If for whatever reason a child is refusing school continually, it's because it's simply not accessible to them.

In the immediate term the child can remain on roll and if requested be provided tailored learning at home.

As with all things in life anything worth having is worth fighting for. EOTAS can in many cases be life changing for young people and their education (& right to it) should be as valuable to parents/LA's as anybody else's.

Completely agree. It helps if parents know what should be provided, when and how to enforce rights. Many LAs only take note when parents start to mention legal proceedings. Sadly DC whose parents know the system and can advocate for DC get better support. It shouldn’t be like that but it is.

My DS’s only have the support they do because we enforced their rights.

If you're in England she needs an EHCP and support to stay at current school or a specialist provision. I'm surprised your husband doesn't know this. You've had some good advice here OP.

Looking at what you can do, if she's nervous walking home can you pick her up for eg ?
Definitely arrange a meeting with her head of year to discuss next steps All schools will have sone form of SEN room where they can go for breaks and lunch, leave lesson early passes, timeout passes etc Maybe looking at interventions to help with social skills/situations. But until you talk to them you won't know what provision they have. As others have said, sometimes you do have to push through anxieties to realise they're not maybe as bad as they fear.

I'm going to start by saying I took by ds out of school in y4 due to his ASD causing him extreme anxiety. He was already in a specialist provision but this caused its own problems. Things are far better now and I don't regret it for a second.

It's very difficult to know what the answers are for your child because different LA, schools, teachers etc etc will behave very differently to children who may be very similar in need. Some families find support is offered quickly, some wait years, some never get it.

Yes schools have a duty of care to provide a suitable education however you don't need to go far to see this often doesn't happen. They might claim on paper that they will do x but it never happens or they'll claim it did but your child will tell you it didn't. This meaning any fall out is the child's fault not the school.

Support services may be offered from the LA but they might not. They may say they are available but there's a waiting list or your child isn't bad enough to meet the threshold for support or it might be as much use as a chocolate fire guard.

Some people get good packages for home tutoring via the LA, some have to fight tooth and nail to get 2 hours a week.

All this while you are trying to support a very distressed child who isn't really learning anything because they are spending all day in a heightened state of anxiety.

If you want to continue with school, I'd put the ball very firmly in their court. They need to show what they are doing to support her and how they are measuring the success of each action

I wouldn't use the term school refusal as most people whether involved in education or not just don't get it. Tell them she is too ill to attend (which she is).

You can apply for an ehcp yourself but that can take a while.

I think the bigger decision is, how long do you think you can keep this up if nothing changes or the changes take months/years to implement?

If I had to do it over again I'd take my ds out of school sooner. We were waiting for a big event or crisis to signal what we already knew. That school wasn't a suitable place for him. After years we realised the big event would never come and that we'd just be putting out smaller fires every day.

Also, I'd tell your dh that if he isn't going to shoulder half the burden, he doesn't get an opinion.

No, you don't need a doctor's note.
Short term, I don't know what the solution is.
Long term, id be looking for a new school that has a decent grasp of accomadations and SEN support, and move her when you find the right place.

When you say low school attendance, how low? Might school agree to e.g. her coming in for just maths and English lessons as a start? Or maths, English plus her favourite subject if there is something she enjoys? Might school help you with finding an appropriate school?

Good luck. Failing your daughter would be not doing something now. You haven't failed her, you've supported her and looked after her to allow her to get through primary. Please be gentle with yourself too.

It sounds terribly difficult op.

Just be aware that some of the recommendations here while theoretically possible will probably never be offered to you in practice and therefore can't help your dd.

Imo the first thing she needs is high quality counseling with a paediatric psychologist specialising in ASD.

Much of the support won’t be offered, LAs almost never offer support and provision. However, you can force them to provide support, via judicial review or SENDIST if necessary. It’s not easy or immediate, but they absolutely can help OP’s DD.