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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm terrified - tell me I'm unreasonable

38 replies

yha · 30/10/2022 07:42

I need other people to tell me that - statistically - I'm being really unreasonable right now.

To keep it short: I had an abusive ex who I have 1DC with. We split years ago. This split was followed by a 16-month battle of recurring incidents for a restraining order. I was petrified the entire time.
The restraining order has been in place for a couple of years now, and there have been no incidents at all since. But I've been petrified that something might happen the entire time that it's been in place. And now that it's ending, I'm even more focused on it.

I'm just terrified that he'll turn up at my house and kill me, to be blunt. I have panic attacks when I'm alone in the house at night with the kids. I have horrific nightmares sporadically. I can't get past the fear that he's going to break into my house and kill me and the police won't get here fast enough to help.
With the length of time that has passed without incidents, I realise this IS seen as irrational by most people, but I still can't get past it. Sometimes I'm so mentally drained by it that I don't even want to be alive anymore, because the continuous fear for years is exhausting, and now I feel like I can't see an end.

I'm not even sure what posting on here can help. I've just had a completely sleepless night, any time I close my eyes I just envision him smashing my windows in, getting in and killing me and hurting my DC.

Side note: I had NHS therapy and didn't get anywhere and the waiting list in my area to be seen again is around 2 years.

OP posts:
Paq · 30/10/2022 07:46

Statistically, yes, you are likely to be safe. But only you know your ex and his threat level. Do you know where he is or what he's doing now?

Does he know your address? Are you on social media? Is your home secure? Do you have people close by?

Is your police force supportive? Could you talk to them?

VioletLemon · 30/10/2022 07:51

Is there or could there be any basis to your fear. I'm sorry I don't know how these things work but do you have a liaison offi"er in the Police you can speak to for reassurance on how they can support you give the restrictions are ending. You sound like you're still very much in a place of trauma, I wonder if there are any support groups you could join to talk about ways to rebuild but you need info first on his whereabouts so you can move on safely. Take care x

Original poster
yha · 30/10/2022 07:52

@Paq no idea what he's doing. I know he's in the same town though still.
I'm on social media but never show anything that can locate our address, however I'm 95% sure he knows where we live.

I feel like my house isn't secure just because the windows are breakable, and we can't afford a doorbell camera. I feel like even with doors and windows locked, there's several clear ways in if someone has set their mind to that.

We have people near but not sure how reachable they'd be in the night.

OP posts:
Godsavetheking2022 · 30/10/2022 07:52

Can you work on moving and maybe even changing your name and social media so he can't trace you? Do you have mutual acquaintances which means he could track you down?

Original poster
yha · 30/10/2022 07:53

@Godsavetheking2022 moving, name changing etc aren't an option unfortunately. We live in a really small area.

OP posts:
Thedungeondragon · 30/10/2022 07:57

If he was going to smash his way into your house and kill you a restraining order would not stop him. I can understand your fear but I hope you can find a way to be mentally free of him.

Montague22 · 30/10/2022 07:58

I’ve experienced similar.
I really would move even if it’s within the same area initially. You can’t live on high alert forever. There isn’t a ending to this if you don’t move.

Unicorn1919 · 30/10/2022 07:58

Why do you say moving isn't possible? I can't think of any scenario where living in fear of mine and my DC's life would be preferable to moving away. When I left my ex I made sure to put a few hundred miles between us for this reason. You always have options. Do you have any other family who may be able to help? Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

dangermouseisace · 30/10/2022 08:01

Can you speak to the police/local DV charity? They might be able to help you with a safety plan/home security.

HTH1 · 30/10/2022 08:02

yha · 30/10/2022 07:53

@Godsavetheking2022 moving, name changing etc aren't an option unfortunately. We live in a really small area.

Sorry OP but I think this has to be an option. If you honestly believe that he may kill you (and there have been cases where this has happened), surely the most important thing is for you to be safe Flowers

Original poster
yha · 30/10/2022 08:04

We'd have to move country if we were to move as we live in the Channel Islands.
We have moved within our town on several occasions, but I still think he knows our new address.

I have spoken to police and DV charity regarding this. They have been to assess home security.
Realistically though, they didn't see the case as high risk enough to implement security through them, so they definitely won't after years have passed with no threats.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 30/10/2022 08:06

Being practical to try to calm your fears.

Why not get the local community officer out to assess your security? He could reassure you, and maybe point out anything you could do, inexpensively, to tighten up. Door chain? Security bolts on the back door?

Ask if you can have a flag put on your address and phone number. Make sure they know the restraining order is ending and you are worried.

Double glazed windows are incredibly difficult to smash. By the time your ex smashed one, IF he managed it, you would have dialled 999. and police would be on their way.

Do basic things like always take a charged mobile phone to bed with you.

Original poster
yha · 30/10/2022 08:09

Just to add from my perspective too - even if it was possible for us to leave the country and move 100+ miles away, I'm still so sure that I'd spend my time thinking he was going to hunt us down.
And like I said, this is after years of zero threats or incidents. That's where I worry that this is some sort of irrational anxiety or trauma response that just won't go away.

OP posts:
Montague22 · 30/10/2022 08:09

Could you use a credit card to pay for the extra security things?
How do you think he is finding your address? Do school and GP know not to disclose it?
Could he follow you from work? Do you alter routes?
Do you still have any mutual friends…would it be possible to cut them out? I did and it’s awful as you lose people you like but it’s always possible to make new friends.

In terms of risk have you ever looked at the Dash questionnaire? I think your fears are rationale so don’t play them down.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 30/10/2022 08:09

I had the same I had three bloody great big labradors at the time

I’m not suggesting a bully type dog

But get a dog encourage it to bark when anyone comes to the door -

your address will be immediately flagged with the police provided they have a copy

talk to the police about alarms

can a ring doorbell

always sleep with your phone

self defence classes are a must

but you have a restraining order and he hadn’t broken it - so this is positive don’t worry too much

and yes you can move if you need to - you really can

Montague22 · 30/10/2022 08:09

No I don’t think you are being irrational.

Original poster
yha · 30/10/2022 08:11

@MintJulia you have no idea how much the windows fact reassured me because I imagined they'd be really, really quick to smash if hit with something!

@ThingsIhavelearnt I have a dog that barks if people come to the door. It's only been a recent thing, so I didn't even think that that'd be a reassuring deterrent.

OP posts:
redandyellowbits · 30/10/2022 08:17

Moving house/country sounds really drastic to me especially since it has been a long while without any incidences from him.

It really does sound to me like you are in the throes of PTSD, with your heightened sense of fear and anxiety. I know your waiting lists for therapy are long but please do try to get yourself on those anyways those 2 years will soon pass and you need to address this.

In the meantime, can you learn some more about PTSD online? There must be books out there on what it is and how to manage it which might help in the short run.

Fwiw, I remember feeling petrified after I left my abusive ex too, it's phase to get through, I think you need some gentle guidance to help you to get over this. Best of luck x

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/10/2022 08:18

What about getting a large dog? When I was living alone with two DDs, I also had sleepless nights and I didn't have the reality of an Ex. I was just paranoid.
The house had an alarm system, but I would hear noises at night (creaks, refrigerator motors, etc.) and think the worst. Once I had a dog - who slept with me- I was more relaxed. If the noises didn't bother the dog, then they were not intruders. I slept better and still do, even though the DDs are grown and gone.
Am on my third dog and she alerts at what is important and sleeps through what is not, so I do too.
PS Not an attack dog or a bully breed. Just a big dog with good hearing - a boxer, a smooth collie, a soft coated Wheaten terrier, etc.

LakieLady · 30/10/2022 08:22

YANBU at all, OP, and what you're experiencing is not uncommon among women who've experienced DA ime.

While moving might help, it might not (I once had a client who was so traumatised, she remained terrified even when the perp was in prison, and after she'd moved to a town 20 miles away).

I'd try and get referred to MH services if I was in your shoes, I think. Not all therapists are trained in the specific issues that arise with DA. Some people are so badly affected that they need the sort of approaches that are used in PTSD.

In some areas, there are schemes that enable women to access specialist therapists at a reduced rate. I realise that even reduced rate therapy is beyond the reach of many, but it may be an option. Where my friend lives, Victim Support can make referrals, so it may be worth contacting them, or contact Women's Aid to see if they know of anything in your area.

If I won the Euromillions, I'd set up a charity to provide this sort of help for women with post-DA trauma.

popsypretty · 30/10/2022 08:22

Honestly it sounds as if you would benefit from seeing a doctor, it sounds like your anxiety is taking over your life and in the short term medication is going to really help.

marmaladepop · 30/10/2022 08:25

ThingsIhavelearnt · 30/10/2022 08:09

I had the same I had three bloody great big labradors at the time

I’m not suggesting a bully type dog

But get a dog encourage it to bark when anyone comes to the door -

your address will be immediately flagged with the police provided they have a copy

talk to the police about alarms

can a ring doorbell

always sleep with your phone

self defence classes are a must

but you have a restraining order and he hadn’t broken it - so this is positive don’t worry too much

and yes you can move if you need to - you really can

A guard type dog was my first thought. Only if you can afford one and give it the time and exercise etc.. it needs.

MrsAlexander · 30/10/2022 08:36

I was in a mentally abusive relationship that I was convinced was about to get physical as it had gotten incredibly close to that. After that relationship ended I moved back to where I'm from 200 miles away but lived in constant fear that he would come and kill me. It stays with you - It was my PTSD from it all.

I don't have NHS counselling in this area but a local homeless charity offers it. Is there any charities in your area?

I know you said that you don't have the money for cameras but even if someone could lend you the money the Ring Doorbell and indoor camera I have give me so much peace of mind - even four years on and the price has definitely dropped on them in the last few years. I love that if I get worried I can just click the camera on and know what's happening downstairs and outside. Sending hugs 💕

Eyesopenwideawake · 30/10/2022 08:46

yha · 30/10/2022 08:09

Just to add from my perspective too - even if it was possible for us to leave the country and move 100+ miles away, I'm still so sure that I'd spend my time thinking he was going to hunt us down.
And like I said, this is after years of zero threats or incidents. That's where I worry that this is some sort of irrational anxiety or trauma response that just won't go away.

Yup. That's because the threat is in your mind so no distance or security measures will be truly effective. There's a part of your subconscious that believes you need to be constantly alert to potential danger and that it's doing the correct thing in waking you at night because of the "what ifs". It IS possible to dial down/stop that response - have a look at my AMA on hypnosis.

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