I'm terrified - tell me I'm unreasonable

[yha]

I need other people to tell me that - statistically - I'm being really unreasonable right now.

To keep it short: I had an abusive ex who I have 1DC with. We split years ago. This split was followed by a 16-month battle of recurring incidents for a restraining order. I was petrified the entire time.
The restraining order has been in place for a couple of years now, and there have been no incidents at all since. But I've been petrified that something might happen the entire time that it's been in place. And now that it's ending, I'm even more focused on it.

I'm just terrified that he'll turn up at my house and kill me, to be blunt. I have panic attacks when I'm alone in the house at night with the kids. I have horrific nightmares sporadically. I can't get past the fear that he's going to break into my house and kill me and the police won't get here fast enough to help.
With the length of time that has passed without incidents, I realise this IS seen as irrational by most people, but I still can't get past it. Sometimes I'm so mentally drained by it that I don't even want to be alive anymore, because the continuous fear for years is exhausting, and now I feel like I can't see an end.

I'm not even sure what posting on here can help. I've just had a completely sleepless night, any time I close my eyes I just envision him smashing my windows in, getting in and killing me and hurting my DC.

Side note: I had NHS therapy and didn't get anywhere and the waiting list in my area to be seen again is around 2 years.

Being absolutely blunt - if he was going to kill you, he’d have done it by now.

As someone who has anxiety and PTSD, meds helped a lot but breathing exercises helped even more when I get panicked thoughts.

Sometimes when I get this level of anxiety I have to just accept that I might die and I literally say to myself if I die, I die.

I find It helps more than me fighting it all of the time and I make sure I have life insurance etc in place so my DC will be ok.

The big issue here is that you live in such a small area.
I would seriously consider moving to a different country because you will feel safer and if you carry on like this you are seriously going to make yourself ill and end up not living your life.

Have you contacted victim support? Even after years they can still help and may even suggest additional security.

If you contact your local DV charity/organisation, they will hopefully be able to help you with security measures and safety plans but possibly also organisations who specialise in helping those who have been through the type of trauma you have and are still going through and probably with much shorter waiting lists. I’m pretty sure some councils/police forces supply security cameras and panic alarms free of charge too. I know where I used to live they did.

I also think you have PTSD, what a horrible way for you to live. It makes me so angry that it is so difficult for people to access the psychological support they need. On a practical note the dog is good and I agree you should talk to the police to flag your number but ultimately you do need professional help. Is their Victim Support in your area?

No helpful or true - a higher chance yes - the most dangerous time Is leaving.

counselling through a charity?

accepting that you went through a trauma
accepting you have a voice
accepting you are not to blame
accepting that you are a survivor
accepting that you can take steps to minimise the risk

@ThingsIhavelearnt it absolutely is true. The numbers of people killed by an ex-partner years and years after no context whatsoever is a vanishingly small number.

Whether you're being irrational isn't really the point here. You are distressed and that is real and it matters. Practically, NHS talk therapy is pretty rubbish for serious trauma and private is £££ so I quite understand you not going that route.
But can you access a support group either in person or online? That will give you time and space to address your perfectly logical trauma, as well as insights from women who have been there re: red flags and security precautions, wrangling police etc.
For the midnight freakouts, you may well succeed with some standard CBT exercises - it's about changing thought patterns and response to moments of fear, which can be a massive help when it's 3am and everything is terrible.
(Not at all comparable, but I used this for midnight health panics after a big medical event - it feels good to own the reasonable concerns and take care of myself but still be able to tell the night terrors to fuck off)

If he wanted to hurt you do you think it has been the restraining order that has stopped him for all of this time? I'd be surprised if it was.

YANBU
I've been there and this is what I did through the most terrifying time of my life.
I put my house up for sale with no board. This meant leaving family and friends but better to be alive.
While waiting to move I had blinds put on all windows ( the sort that give you light but no one can see in in the day) Obviously at night curtains drawn as soon as it was dusk
I didn't answer the door to anyone at anytime. Friends ( the few I had left) would text from outside before I'd open the door. All doors and windows locked at all times. I didn't allow my adult DD to visit so as not to put her at risk during this time.
I had an alarm system put in which I could also activate as an alarm from inside
During this time he attempted to get in numerous times, I'd hear him banging on the front or back door and I'd sound the alarm immediately and phone the police, this was usually enough to make him run off although he was arrested a few times too.
I moved a few months later and made sure I wasn't on the council electoral register. I told very very few people of my new address and everyone I told was under strict instructions to never divulge this to anyone.
I came off social media completely and changed phone number and email address.
It's been ten years and he's never found me since I moved. I honestly don't think he bothered once I wasn't easy to get to but I'll never know.
Someone I know was helped by Womens Aid and the fire Brigade to have things put in place such as the letter box being screwed down I think, this was all free
Those who haven't lived it may think this is over top but should look at the film 'Killed by my boyfriend'' if in doubt
Men kill or attempt to kill women all the time
OP there is lots you can do, the hell you're living in is one I remember all too well, and one that still re traumatises me from time to time
I do believe if I hadn't moved I may have been a statistic

To follow up on PP about how difficult DG windows are to break. I watched a Police, Camera, Action type show where the police were attempting to get access to some miscreants home. Even with one of the door rams they couldnt get the front door to open, it just kind of flexed and went back into place. Eventually they had to get a locksmith out!

💐 @winteriscoming2022
I agree with everything you’ve said

Thank you to everyone who took the time to answer this today. I'm feeling the hit of anxiety again tonight.

I'm definitely going to look asap into other charities that may be able to help/local groups for support. I also think I'm at the point where I may need to consider anxiety medication for some short-term relief. I just feel like I'm under this black cloud with something bad looming and I want nothing more than to just feel safe while raising my DC so I just feel super sad and anxious.