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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meddling mother in law

41 replies

Waveafterwave14 · 28/10/2022 22:53

Long story short... in the process of buying a house with my fiancée and he has asked to have a legal agreement set up and signed before all goes through.
Now I have agreed that as he is putting the deposit money in and I haven't then if anything was to go tits up down the line he would have his deposit money returned. Which I think is fair and makes him feel comfortable. What I did not expect and quite frankly shocked me was his mother has said that it should also be stipulated that if we were to break up that the house should be sold and I should have no right to buy him out. That me and the children would be housed immediately and in emergency accommodation!
Now I don't know what world she is living in but I'm pretty sure if I was to leave with a lump sum of money from the house sale then I would have to rent privately. And why the hell would she wish that on me and her grandchildren???
Nothing has been written up or signed and I think I should seek legal advice but I don't know how to politely deal with this awkward situation or her constant meddling in our relationship.
Any advice please?!
Thanks

OP posts:
Winterscomingagain · 28/10/2022 22:58

How bizarre of her. As if there's emergency shelter accommodation just waiting to receive people in these circumstances. Why would she want her grandchildren to lose all rights to a decent roof over their heads?

Kitkatcatflap · 28/10/2022 22:59

Wow. That is brutal. I don't I would be feeling too warm and fuzzy after hearing hearing that? What did you say when he told you that? More importantly what did he say to his mother when she suggested that?

Do you already have children with this man?

Scottishskifun · 28/10/2022 23:00

What did your fiancee say to his mother?
I hope he said don't be ridiculous rather then good idea!!!

We had a notice of agreement but it changed after we were married to 50/50 split. You might want to consider before marriage and after marriage within the agreement.

Original poster
Waveafterwave14 · 28/10/2022 23:01

Honestly completely shocked. I didn't actually ask him what he said to her as I didn't think about it at the time.
We have children together and recently got engaged (which I don't think she was happy about). I just don't know how to move forward appropriately here. :/

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2022 23:03

What is your partner's reaction to this? That's what matters here. Does he agree with her?

What she says doesn't matter, it's what your partner says/believes. If he agrees with his mother, you need to run for your fucking life.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2022 23:04

If you're smart, you will not buy a home with him until you're married. Get to the registrar's office and get it done.

Original poster
Waveafterwave14 · 28/10/2022 23:07

@Aquamarine1029 we haven't had the time to properly sit down and discuss things yet. Annoying it's only recently I have noticed just how much she sticks her nose in and it's starting to really bother me. I remain polite all the time but she seems one of those who likes to plant the seed and keep feeding it until my partner comes around. This can be from constant text messaging or calls.

OP posts:
Furnitureflipper · 28/10/2022 23:07

Marry your fiancé, buy a house and stick two fingers up at your mother in law.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/10/2022 23:08

I wonder if she knows someone who faced difficulties in a split because one party refused to sell or dragged their feet over a buyout?

I can’t think of any other reason for her to suggest this.

I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she is just thinking of whatis best for her son.

However, if he is old enough to get engaged and buy a house, then he is old enough to make his own decisions on this and should be thinking of what is fair and suitable for you and future children, not just himself.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/10/2022 23:09

Sorry, just saw your update - he needs to prioritise your existing children and ensure they will always be housed.

BeautifulWar · 28/10/2022 23:10

It would all hinge on your partner's response to his mother on this for me. If he didn't tell her to fuck off, I'd be running for the hills.

I'm speaking from experience here. My partner's instability to stand up to his parents severely damaged our relationship.

Fireballxl5 · 28/10/2022 23:11

If you have dc together then why would your dp expect to keep his deposit in a break up?
Surely any good man would want his dc to have a roof over their head and would facilitate this?
Presumably your earnings have suffered on mat leave so your dp’s deposit is saved at your expense.

I’ll never understand people having dc before marriage and then getting wrapped up in this is mine, that’s yours - you’re supposed to be a team.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2022 23:13

Now that your blinders are off regarding your partner's mother, you need to be very, very careful as to how your move forward. If your partner is a mummy's boy, there is no future for you with him.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 28/10/2022 23:18

Fairly reasonable scenario for people dating who want to take that first step but many times it's never that equals in that women do a lot of work maintaining the property, cleaning it, decorating as well as doing lion share of cooking and child care.

I would personally urge the greatest caution here.
What are you signing up for, is house held equally?
Does he pull equal weight with DC....

How much does he listen to his mum?

Cw112 · 28/10/2022 23:19

I would sit down with your fiancée and ask him how he responded to his mother. Under no circumstances would I be agreeing to that, if you pay mortgage on the property etc then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to buy him out if things broke down and ultimately it should be about keeping things as safe and stable for your kids as possible no matter what's going on between you two. If you think there's a chance he'd come round to that idea and think his mum is correct then I wouldn't be buying with him. Or marrying him to be totally honest. He needs to be putting you and the kids first and standing up to his mum without you having to point out that what she's asking is completely unreasonable and disrespectful. What a strange thing to ever wish on your grandkids she sounds like a mare and he needs to be putting boundaries in place now.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 28/10/2022 23:19

@BeautifulWar

Same.

It put incredible pressure on me at the most vulnerable time of my life

Original poster
Waveafterwave14 · 28/10/2022 23:19

The deposit money is a lot. I haven't contributed to it and he has saved from a young age for the sole purpose of it going into his first property. We will both be on the mortgage. I'm not a gold digger and don't expect money I haven't worked for so I am comfortable with it being retuned if things went sour. To me that is fair. But his mothers added point I can't understand. He has constantly bailed his mother out for the last decade. We are talking over tens of thousands. She refuses to work and pretends she has Illnesses etc but is not ill enough to claim benefits. We even put her up for weeks at a time while she rents out her caravan and makes money! Over the summer it really caused strain on us and I had to say no more as couldn't cope with the mess and having no privacy or any normal routine.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2022 23:21

After your last update, you'd have to be fucking crazy to buy a home or marry this man.

Are you working? Sorry if I missed this. Start saving your money.

Brigante9 · 28/10/2022 23:21

You say fiancé-do you have a date set or is it just an ongoing engagement? Honestly, do what everyone is saying, make it legal to protect yourself. It’s fine for him to ringfence the deposit, but ensure you’re on the mortgage. Your mil needs to butt out of any financial arrangements. Your fiancé is an adult and she needs to keep out of arrangements you two make.

Brigante9 · 28/10/2022 23:23

Cross post: when she stops taking thousands off him, she can moan. Meanwhile, she can shut the eff up! Cheeky mare!

Bywayofanupdate · 28/10/2022 23:41

How old are your children? Did you take mat leave and did you work reduced hours? Therefore affecting your career and earning capacity? Does he take on half of the childcare and half of the household chores? Honestly, I think you should be entitled to half of that deposit. When are you getting married? Don't sign anything without legal advice!

andmostofallyouletyourselfdown · 29/10/2022 00:52

She sounds vile, I hope that he is as shocked at her behaviour as you are and while perhaps gentle with her actually tells her what's wrong with what she says. If not red flag mummy's boy yuck.

she is just thinking of what is best for her son

But she ought to think what would be best for her grandchildren and what is morally right. Can't stand this sort of thing.

JaneorEleven · 29/10/2022 01:01

If your home purchase decreased in value down the line (or you ended up in negative equity), would you still be expected to shell out his deposit? I’d be a bit concerned about what exactly I was signing over.

and his mother needs to keep her beak out of your family business.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 29/10/2022 02:03

Given how she sees you and grandchildren, I would think very, very seriously if I wanted to marry him. Do you want her in your life? She sounds horrible and I'd run for the hills, to be honest.

Alexandernevermind · 05/12/2022 10:29

She is worried that you will take away her little cash cow.
I would understand her pov regarding protecting his deposit if it was just the two of you, but not when you have his children.
Get a registration office wedding booked pdq and protect yourself. If you were to split she will have his ear and you and your dc will be very vulnerable.