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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children seeing dad - is this reasonable?

43 replies

Costadelsolange · 28/10/2022 11:50

DH and I are separating.

we have two children together age 2 and 4, DH has a daughter from a previous relationship age 7.

DH will be moving into his parents. They have a spare room plus a sofa bed in the lounge.

DSD is here EOW and really benefits with some one on one time with her dad. We’ve always accommodated that.

As far as our own children go, do you think one day each weekend plus one afternoon/tea time a week is fair?

It would mean that each “set” of children would get some alone time as well as time together?

I don’t see the benefit of DC camping in the lounge and they won’t all fit on there when DSD is here too.

My children are at nursery 3 days a week but I’ll probably have to pick up more work now I’m on my own.

TIA

OP posts:
cavily1806 · 28/10/2022 11:53

How much does DH want them? It's more about that than whether we think what you're offering is okay or not

Ponoka7 · 28/10/2022 11:55

It really is up to him and the needs of your children, then if you can fit that in around your time. He might have to drop the idea of one-on-one time. I always advise to be flexible because you might need the flexibility. So put that to him, with a view that things might change.

Allsnotwell · 28/10/2022 11:56

I think you have to discuss it with him, he may want 50/50

Original poster
Costadelsolange · 28/10/2022 12:39

We went through court with DSD, we have always agreed that 50/50 isn’t always beneficial to the children. Something we explored with a child psychologist too.

DH works full time and then some. That would mean his 80yo parents would be left with the children for long periods. That isn’t something I’m comfortable with as they are elderly…if something happened to one of his parents then we’d be changing the children's routine again.

Im hoping to avoid court so that we can keep things flexible if he did have a day off, etc.

He’s currently refusing to discuss it

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 28/10/2022 12:49

Would you be happy with that ?

Kanaloa · 28/10/2022 12:57

Does that mean they’ll never see their older sister? If so I think that’s a shame. I know perhaps 50/50 isn’t desirable, but seeing your children for a day at the weekend where they sleep in a spare room and a meal one other day is pathetic and it isn’t going to lead to good father child relations. Although I suppose you would have expected it given he didn’t even see his other daughter that much when you married him.

I mean if you’re both happy with it then it will work for you. I don’t think he sounds like a very dedicated father but what can you do?

Original poster
Costadelsolange · 28/10/2022 13:00

I saw it as that they’re “off” 4 days a week.
So they’d have one during the week, if dad could be flexible with work. I was hoping to drop them off for the afternoon so at least he could work on the morning.

They would see their sister one days EOW instead of two days EOW.

DSD is also here more in the school holidays so there’s flexibility to add time with her then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Costadelsolange · 28/10/2022 13:06

To be honest, he sits with them for half an hour tv an evening and has one day at the weekend a majority of our marriage.

so he’d probably get more quality time

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 28/10/2022 13:10

OP, would you be happy with that little time with your children?

Hooverphobe · 28/10/2022 13:11

Honestly, don’t bend over backwards trying to be fair and accommodating. The second he finds a girlfriend he’ll be too busy/poor/lazy to see them anyway. Plus ca change.

Hankunamatata · 28/10/2022 13:12

Alerternate weekend days? So one week Friday night til sat tea/bedtime then next week sat night until sun bedtime. Is he going to do kids evening activities and dinner during the week? Cos I'd probably go for 2/3 evening a week

Charcy · 28/10/2022 13:12

It needs to work for the children involved.

Practically it needs to be viable for the two if you.

I'd urge for an order by consent as it protects both of you. It's not court enforceable and allows for some flexibility, but in my experience it keeps everyone child focused, which is the only thing to be concerned with. 😊 especially if further down the line, new partners are involved etc.

x2boys · 28/10/2022 13:15

Hooverphobe · 28/10/2022 13:11

Honestly, don’t bend over backwards trying to be fair and accommodating. The second he finds a girlfriend he’ll be too busy/poor/lazy to see them anyway. Plus ca change.

You know this how?

SkylightSkylight · 28/10/2022 13:21

@Costadelsolange

I'm sorry it's come to this.

Sepate to your question. Just interested. Did your relationship break down for the same reason his first did?

how well has he been with providing for his DD?

why is he moving in with his parents? Is there no way you can organise your finances so that he has his isn
place (even a small flat)?

I think it's unfair to put all of this on his parents & it makes it very difficult for him
to do much actual parenting. Though with them being 2 & 4 and him
sounding less than fully engaged with his kids, you might (justifiably) happy with that??

I think it sounds like it won't be any worse for the kids relationship with him than it is now.

but what are you going to do about getting your finance/life together while you have full responsibility for your kids? Maybe if he can't have them more, he needs to pay for more childcare (on top of CMS).

NCforsafety · 28/10/2022 13:21

Not just up to you though is it? Your husband has the same rights as you do and the children have more.
I'm guessing you'd be furious if that incredibly limited time was offered to you so why do you get to force that on your husband?

SkylightSkylight · 28/10/2022 13:24

NCforsafety · 28/10/2022 13:21

Not just up to you though is it? Your husband has the same rights as you do and the children have more.
I'm guessing you'd be furious if that incredibly limited time was offered to you so why do you get to force that on your husband?

@NCforsafety

FFS she's not, she's trying to work out what's reasonable considering their children, her DSD, his older parents & the fact she's going to need to work more hours,

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2022 13:28

Is the housing split going to be permanent? He’s unlikely to want to stay in one room in someone else’s house forever. Are you renting and that’s why you’re staying where you are?

You can make suggestions for the contact split and he should be willing to discuss it but if you’re dumping him and it’s not his choice to split so he’s still coming to terms with losing his relationship, his home and full time to access to his younger kids he’s understandably reluctant to commit to anything yet. He’s already dealt with all of this before with his ex and older DD and it sounds like it’s been stressful

Doyoumind · 28/10/2022 13:33

So he works full time and beyond but you're expecting him to drop an afternoon a week so he can see them? I'm not sure that's reasonable. Do you work? What do the children currently do when not in nursery? What about when your oldest starts school (next year presumably)?

Hooverphobe · 28/10/2022 14:00

x2boys · 28/10/2022 13:15

You know this how?

Show quote history

Because:

  1. lived experience
  2. OP states he already works long hours
  3. he hasn’t even moved out yet and his contribution to parenting is “sitting in front of the tv for an hour”
  4. OP already envisages his mother looking after them

im not convinced I’m making a huge leap with my assertions.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2022 14:09

Hooverphobe · 28/10/2022 13:11

Honestly, don’t bend over backwards trying to be fair and accommodating. The second he finds a girlfriend he’ll be too busy/poor/lazy to see them anyway. Plus ca change.

This would have more weight if he’d stopped bothering with his DD when he split with her mum and met OP. He didn’t.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 28/10/2022 14:12

Make sure you claim Cms. He won't have many expenses living with his dps I imagine.

abblie · 28/10/2022 14:14

I think it's ridiculous!! How often does your husband want to see his children I don't understand why you think you have more of a right to state how long and when your husband has access to his children just because you both don't want to see each other doesn't mean he wants less time with his children

BungleandGeorge · 28/10/2022 14:27

Did people actually read how much time he currently spends with the children? Generally the idea is to maintain as much as possible how long they spend with each parent. It’s not all about what parents want. You can’t really dictate what he does or who they see/ are looked after on his time. Would his elderly parents be offering to do lots of childcare anyway?

Brefugee · 28/10/2022 14:30

OP, would you be happy with that little time with your children?

well currently he sees them less than this, so it's an improvement for the children to increase their time with their dad.

Original poster
Costadelsolange · 28/10/2022 14:49

I pick DC up from nursery 3 nights a week on my way home from work. We’re home for 5.30pm and they’re normally tired so we have a snack and start bedtime around 6.30pm. He’d be missing out on an hour each evening.

The children aren’t at nursery on a Tuesday or Thursday plus weekends. So we would essentially get two days a week each…if I suggest him having anymore time then I’d be missing out?

I thought 2 days a week was fair given a lot of parents get EOW.

This would have to change next year when eldest starts school so we can review.

DH is self employed and works from home so that makes things easier. I don’t know what his intentions are regarding long term living arrangements.

He is a committed father but he does work a lot.

OP posts: