Children seeing dad - is this reasonable?

[Costadelsolange]

DH and I are separating.

we have two children together age 2 and 4, DH has a daughter from a previous relationship age 7.

DH will be moving into his parents. They have a spare room plus a sofa bed in the lounge.

DSD is here EOW and really benefits with some one on one time with her dad. We’ve always accommodated that.

As far as our own children go, do you think one day each weekend plus one afternoon/tea time a week is fair?

It would mean that each “set” of children would get some alone time as well as time together?

I don’t see the benefit of DC camping in the lounge and they won’t all fit on there when DSD is here too.

My children are at nursery 3 days a week but I’ll probably have to pick up more work now I’m on my own.

TIA

It depends on what works for all of you. You might want to think about:

1. how far away he'll be from you, what the travelling time is like. Generally if you live near each other then several times a week is ok, if there's more travelling involved then it's better to have them less frequently for longer.
2. how things will or won't change with school schedules. If your 4 year old is not yet in school then there's things that will work this year but not next.
3. how you will arrange things once the children start to have activities on a weekend, birthday party invitations and so on.

FWIW, my ex usually has dc for one day every weekend, occasionally over night. He's not any better of a parent now than he was when we were together, so they don't get more 'quality' time with him. I wouldn't be expecting your ex to step up his game just because you're separated, so work on that assumption.

Well “fair” would be 50-50 but it’s about what works for you as a family, what’s best for the kids and what your ex is prepared to do or not do so it’s difficult to say.

You are entitled to draw your own conclusions from the OP's post just as I am. Other people clearly read it the same as I did so wind your neck in and stop swearing at equally valid posters on this site.

I can see what you mean about 50/50 being fair but I don’t think that is fair on the children. They deserve to have a place to call home rather than coming and going between homes. I also don’t really want them camping in the living room a lot either to be honest.

He would be having 50% of free days at least a week, 2 days a week. That’s the equivalent of every weekend.

i think it would also be beneficial to be able to say you’re with dad on X day and X day rather than have a 2 weekly schedule. If that makes sense.

Im not bother about CMS to be honest, I just want a fair schedule for my kids. We can agree an amount between us, even if it’s just that he pays for after school club when the eldest starts, etc.

You’ve clearly never been on any of the many FB pages if you think the blokes don’t change when they get a new girlfriend. So many of them do and they become less interested in seeing the kids and getting money is like getting blood out of a stone.

Well hes still seeing the first child from his previous relationship ,.

And who do you suppose does the majority of childcare?

Well the Op says she really benefits from 1:1"time with her dad ,but frankly ,you are just projecting ,never mind what the kids here need or want .

The only 'fair' way is 50/50. The children will massively benefit from seeing each parent equally, far more than any perceived harm that you think will happen because they are going from one place to another.

Assume you’ll get 50/50 unless he wants to see them less. I know it’s not what you want to hear but do be getting some legal advice to prepare yourself that you won’t necessarily get the arrangements you’d prefer. I really feel for you, no one wants to see their children less or on an agreed basis.

It depends what he wants. Can you look at mediation if he won’t discuss? I think what you are considering is very little but then my DH has 50-50.

‘He is a committed father but he does work a lot.’
‘To be honest, he sits with them for half an hour tv an evening and has one day at the weekend a majority of our marriage.’

This makes zero sense. Committed to tv?

OP you haven't mentioned what happens on the 2 days a week they're not in nursery. I assume they're home with you. Does him working full time facilitate you working part time?

It's clear you're worried about losing time with the DC, and whilst that's understandable, it's not a valid argument from a legal perspective.

If he works from home, I'm sure he'll need to find an alternative to his parents' spare room soon and the issue of camping in the lounge will be a non issue.

Unless I've misunderstood, it's 1 day and 1 afternoon. Are they staying overnight with him? If not, surely that only works out at about 15 hours a week or something? Would you be happy with that?

Not sure what the issue is with "camping in the living room" but there's a sofa bed and I'm sure they'll be given blankets so it's hardly that bad is it?

Is he happy having no overnights whatsoever?

An occasional night on a sofa bed won't harm your children. It's better for them to have an involved and caring father. A few daytime hours a week isn't much to maintain a parental relationship.

I feel sorry for his elderly parents, him WFH all hours, three dc (with two ex partners) in and out of the house and sleeping on a sofa bed in the lounge. That's a lot of disruption and it's bound to be stressful, my mother is around the same age and finds the slightest change to her finely honed routine difficult even planned well in advance.

He doesn't sound the sort to be pulling his weight with cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. either.

Yes I am wondering about this. What is the financial situation? If he is working so much, how is he not able to pay for his own place? Is the money going into your joint home or do you pay for that? The assets need to be split fairly to allow him to provide for DC too. Personally, I think two days a week of sleeping in the lounge is not ideal, so I would want to know - in your position and his - what the plans for sorting his accommodation are.

Whether he's paying towards expenses at the family home now or not, he won't be long term, he'll pay CMS and the OP will be responsible for the rest. Presumably as this sounds like early days that's being worked through.

It's not unusual for one partner to move in with family initially, some will wait until they've been taken off the mortgage at the fmh (And received their equity payout) and then buy a property rather than renting in the interim.