To wonder why nobody thinks my DD is autistic?

[Nobodylistens]

DD is 11.
She has always been quiet, intelligent and rather intolerant of peers her age.
At some points it came across rude - she got to about 6 and couldn’t see why kids her age were still running around dressed as fairies so would rather play alone or with one other child similar in nature.
As time has gone on, she has become more and more socially awkward - she hates any situations where she will have to talk to people she doesn’t know and refuses completely to attend holiday clubs for me to work but also won’t be left alone at home for any length of time in fear for someone breaking in ( we’ve never had a break in )
Shes not affectionate and tenses up completely if anyone shows her any affection and is clearly visibly uncomfortable; tears when nan tries to hug or kiss her goodbye ( we’ve had to tell nan to stop in no uncertain terms )
Shes now gone vegetarian which is fine but can’t accept others in the house are still eating meat and is visibly upset at meal times where meat is being served and asks to eat in her room alone so she doesn’t have to see it
She can’t hear people eat - she leaves the room if someone makes a noise whilst eating
She can’t share a room on holiday with her sister or me or dad as she can “ hear “ us breathing and gets frustrated that we can’t sleep with our mouths closed and no noise
Lack of empathy - a toddler fell over in front of us today and older DD ran over to pick her up; DD said she should have looked where she was going
Massive attachment to her dog, almost obsessed to the point she thinks she’s a human; talks to her, cuddles her, speaks about her the entire time we are away from home for any length of time

Lots more examples but feeling especially drained tonight as she has finally gone to bed after being convinced that the flies we saw on the dog walk might now be in her bedroom - she doesn’t want to sleep with me; says that’s weird at her age ( even though 13 year old DD sometimes does ) but sometimes just won’t / can’t sleep so sits up all night as I won’t let her have technology after 8pm so just repeatedly comes in to tell me she’s bored and can’t sleep but doesn’t actually want anything I can offer.

Im sure there’s something going on but nobody agrees.

anyone been here?

@blueshoes i didn’t mean in the place of a diagnosis but those diagnosis are taking 2 years in my areas and sometimes dc aren’t autistic but have some autistic traits that are normal personality traits but because they don’t fit within the characteristics the media presents for dc, dc are seen as different and something to diagnose when there’s other approaches. I have 3 dds and dd1 was very like the op’s Dd but I saw these are characteristics from my dh and db. She has grown to understand who she is, how she sees the world and to understand how others see it differently. We have taught her this and also encouraged her to embrace who she is. She needed different parenting to Dd 2&3 and I think many parents aim to treat all dc be same. I don’t, I manage behaviour in a way that suits them individually.

@Nobodylistens It might be helpful to take a look at this. It’s not remotely diagnostic but very useful nonetheless, even just for the language to use with your gp.

Practical help re- the sleeping. My nephew has melatonin from the GP for his bouts of non sleeping. For my DD we do the same 6-min mindfulness app every single night it’s on Smiling mind App. This is to calm her mind, she also self soothes with listening to talking books we get free from our library on a App download. Are any of those an option?
Would she find comfort reading about girls similar to her? The books by Libby Scott are good including “ Can you see me?” There’s 3 in the series of Libby aged 10/11/12yrs old based on her experience of ASD. My DD really enjoyed reading them as she really related to it.

These are really good shop.scholastic.co.uk/products/139805?awaid=2957&utm_source=redbrain&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=css&gbraid=0AAAAADA7Q_JG3CKVnwiqyPUGEl9odtfyY&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9JTyroCD-wIVlWDmCh3kMw5MEAQYBCABEgJ2YvD_BwE

but have some autistic traits that are normal personality traits

This language is really problematic and not accurate. I’m tired of people saying, oh that’s not autistic, when they have no idea. At all.

Not liking these posts that they are just quirks.. it might not be autism but it should be looked into. I'm a support worker and a diagnosis and recognition helps them and their support network. It could be OCD, anxiety etc.. life sounds hard for OP. I knew a girl growing up who sounds very much alike and her mums life was a constant battle, it's only as an adult she got diagnosed and now she has coping mechanisms and people work around her.

Thank you again for all the replies
She will drink most things but nothing with “ bits in “ and nothing dark coloured like Coke as she questions what’s in it to make it that colour
m

She sounds like my dd , she has a diagnosis at 18 after we went private .. if you can afford it just book one ..

She has struggled her while teen life with anorexia , anxiety and depression and had we known I think life would have been easier for her !

No one flagged it up at school ever , it was only a psychiatrist that did when she was 15 .

Also HFA in girls is nothing like boys..
My dd did everything on time , hit every milestone and is very smart and academic . She was very NT until puberty but did have tiny nods to ASD as a child like not liking stickers and labels and coats but certainly nothing out of the ordinary .

Was she a late talker? How were her gross motor skills? Does she make eye contact well?

My child makes eye contact, talked and walked early. Still autistic.

Nothing you have said has made me think definitely autism- she may just be a bit quirky and doesn’t need a label.

Its not a label. Should we go back to labelling children as naughty? No one questions a ‘diabetic’ label. Maybe we should start giving out ignorance labels.

But have some autistic traits that are normal personality traits

This gets tiresome. It’s not a fucking personality trait.

All children have quirks, doesn't mean they're autistic.

I'm so pleased I'm not a child growing up in 2022, with parents intent on sticking a label on me - or worse.

She's at an a awkward age, loves her pet, doesn't like to go to bed and is a fussy eater. Its hardly unusual.

@Snoozer11 people like you are such a pain, you know nothing at all about the condition or why it’s important to recognise early and yet you still say such insensitive harmful completely false things like this. No parent is ‘intent’ on their child being autistic, just stop with that bullshit please. It is not a quirk or a label. It’s a recognised fucking condition and it can be hard to navigate life without understanding.

jfc

She will drink most things but nothing with “ bits in “ my DD is the same, still as an adult, it’s a sensory thing, she has sensitivity with textures and touch so with food that can raise a lot of sensory triggers. I paid attention to things she liked and could tolerate and tried ti find other things similar to get ti a point she was eating a wide variety of things, even if it was the same most of the time. She still eats using a bento tray, which really helps a lot. If her dad tried to push certain things she already couldn’t tolerate she would vomit. Important to pay attention and let them enjoy the food they enjoy.

I'm so pleased I'm not a child growing up in 2022, with parents intent on sticking a label on me - or worse.

People like you who sit in judgement despite having no knowledge of SEN are the reason I waited years to voice my concerns about my Autistic DD. Even though deep down I knew something wasn't right from when she was toddler, I was worried about being seen as a hysterical woman seeking a "label" for her child so I pushed my doubts to the back of my mind, and told myself everyone was right, she would grow out of it. She didn't, because she isn't "quirky", she's neuro-divergant. That means that far from "growing out of" difficulties, the difficulties often get more intense as children get older and the social and academic demands on them become greater.

I wish I'd trusted my instincts, not listened to those falling over themselves to tell me she was just "quirky" as if they had the slightest idea what they were on about, and sought an assessment sooner. It would have saved us all a lot of distress.

@neverbeenskiing me too! These people are a real obstacle to getting support and understanding. I’m so tired of it!

Sensory issues, sleep difficulties, social difficulties, talking at length about a particular interest, anxiety. Sounds like enough to warrant an assessment to me. My 11yo who has autism also has difficulties in all these areas although they manifest a bit differently. Mine also talked early and met all her toddler milestones.

Not liking hugs could be a sensory processing thing (over sensitive to touch).

Really? You wouldn't immediately go into 'Mum-mode' and go "Awwwww no, are you ok sweetheart? Oh dear!" and help them up/reassure them until Mummy or Daddy catches up??????????

Would the sensory thing become an issue with age?
she wasn’t a clingy baby but she never recoiled with physical affection and actually hated nursery due to being away from me so much I gave up work to stay home with her
Now though physical contact seems so hard for her, whether it’s her best friend throwing her arm over her shoulder as they walk out of school or me attempting to give her a hug if she’s upset or hurt, she doesn’t know physically tenses up

@Nobodylistens the sensory issues for my DD haven’t been constant, they can change a bit but she has had all senses affected all her life, whereas her Dad is mostly just hearing. She was very into hugs as a kid, less so with us for some years but very into hugs now as an adult. It depends for many, on stress and what is happening in life, like neurotypicals too. Her disordered and ritualistic eating patterns were only affecting her really negatively during exam times, otherwise it was just something to work on and around. In stress, she can resort to eating one or two things and sometimes gagging on food she liked. My niece always recoiled at physical touching, still does, also diagnosed. She’s very sweet though and shows love in many other ways.

I’m finding this so interesting and insightful. I’ve also got a daughter who is ‘quirky’ and have wondered if there is more to it - she also prefers sauces separate, rejects food because of certain textures, has meltdowns at home, struggles with socks/shoes/tight feeling clothes but is very bright, well-behaved at school, needs a hug to help her calm down when she’s having a meltdown, needs to be close to me when she is anxious. She has some close friendships - mostly quiet boys.
Struggles with noisy, busy environments. I was thinking just the other day that secondary school could be a challenge for her - we’d already discussed that she’d prefer a smaller one.

She’s very similar to how I was as a child and so I wonder if she is just a quiet, sensitive girl.

@SulisMinerva you could also discuss with your GP? Maybe read up a bit more about autism in girls. I noticed things more around 8yrs onwards. She had attachment anxiety too, just out and about, all the noise I think.

Oh so much ignorance it’s laughable.

@Nobodylistens my DD definitely began to shy away from physical contact as she got older. We're not allowed to hug or touch at all now, she recently went abroad on a school trip for four days and I was only afforded a pat on the head before she boarded the coach! I might be granted one on very rare occasions when things are extremely tough or after s meltdown.

What she not like this though when younger?
it’s odd that the physical issue has got much worse with age

Also, she is completely literal.
we went to view a secondary school last week and she walked the wrong way into the food tech unit - the teacher joked that she wasn’t quite a teacher just yet.
This was enough for her to be in tears and storming back to the car - she was so angry she now won’t apply for secondary there ( Luckily not our first choice anyway )

Also, she is completely literal.

Yes, very common trait. I have to explain a lot of my sentences and meanings over and over, it can interrupt the flow of conversation but otherwise they will misunderstand. I’m told to say what I actually mean!