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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is over?

31 replies

Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 22:33

We’ve been married for a few years, things changed when DS was born. We’d never argued before then - it’s now every week.

DH accuses me of starting arguments out of nowhere when really he just knows what buttons to press.

He then twists things I’ve said, events from the past, etc to complete untruths. Most of all, he accuses me of being mentally unstable and ill. His family are like this too.

He completely refuses to take any responsibly for any issues within our marriage (or life).

I know I am not, I’ve been to counselling alone and together. They all could see where I was coming from (details would be outing) and thought I was being reasonable.

This is gaslighting, isn’t it?

There’s no moving on from here, is there…my marriage is over.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/10/2022 22:37

Yes this is gaslighting and very abusive. I'm sorry you are going through this but you sound like you've got your head screwed on. Please leave him.

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 22:41

How long ago was your ds born? It's really common for relationships to struggle especially in the first year after children, the adjustment to family life and more responsibilities, the exhaustion, the lack of time for one another and the fact that you'll each parent slightly differently really takes a toll. Has he or his family suggested anything about your mental health in the past or is this just since baby came along? The reason I'm asking is because pnd is so common but when you're in the thick of it, it's really hard to see if yourself and its usually your other half or family that will notice the changes and I'm very pro counselling but they do only ever hear one perspective. So I'm just cautious to say it's gaslighting (it could well be) on such little info to go on? Can you make some time for you both to sit down together without baby and just talk about where you're both at, or go for counselling together as a couple because it sounds like your communication has really broken down but that's something that could be fixed if you both want to. If he makes you feel unsafe in any way then yes definitely it's time to go but it just seems from what you're saying like this is out of character for them which is why I'm not sure.

Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 22:44

@Cw112
its been going on for years, DS has just started school.

already tried couples counselling, he turns into Mr Reasonable. He doesn’t want to return after the counsellor “sided” with me over an issue.

in the past, he has told me that other exes were unstable. I feel like it’s history repeating itself and I don’t want my DS to witness it

OP posts:
Circumferences · 27/10/2022 22:54

Oh no. So sorry.
Unfortunately, inadequate men who can't handle being a father will lash out and turn abusive after the child is born.

Also, inadequate, abusive men who hide it will keep a lid on it until they know you're vulnerable having given birth and tied to a young child. Then they let loose.

Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 22:56

Ironically, I’m worried about his mental health. He really let me down in a lot of ways when DS was born and has also been job hopping since then, falling out with employers along the way. I feel like this is taken out on me.

im so tired of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 22:57

Hes sa

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 22:58

He’s said he won’t end the marriage and is instead hoping I get help or he’ll put up with me.

I feel like he’s pushing for me to end it. So he can play the victim, so he can say it wasn’t his fault?

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 27/10/2022 23:00

Time for this to end. He is gaslighting the life out of you. I think I'd wait until he got another job, full time, and then I would leave. Who cares what other people think! If you thought he was great then you would stay.

Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 23:02

He’s just changed so much. I really miss the person I married…this one is just grumpy and tired. I feel like he’s made himself the main character of our story, it all revolves around him.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 27/10/2022 23:05

Sounds like narcissistic abuse to me. You will need to be brave and end it - as he says, he never will.

Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 23:08

I’m worried about losing control of DS, especially with DH family…theyre the type to do things out of spite/control

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 23:09

They back DH up to the hilt, corroborate his story if they’ve witnessed a disagreement. Say they’ve never seen anything so aggressive as me when I can literally just be asking that we alter plans slightly or for DH to calm down

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/10/2022 23:13

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 23:15

@SandyY2K
i agree with you and I try. I try to sit down so we can talk things out but he just ties my in knots, twisting things so that I break down in tears.

He calls me names, says I’m insecure, irrational, tapped, damaged.

there’s only so much I can take.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 23:17

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I can admit my faults.

It’s also always me trying to fix things, both in marriage or wider life. Never him, he always just says he’s done nothing wrong

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/10/2022 23:18

Typo

or WANTING to be held

Original poster
Elizakicking · 27/10/2022 23:19

He’ll tell me it’s why I don’t have many friends…the one night out I had recently, I came home to him in a foul mood over something. Now I feel like I can’t go out.

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 28/10/2022 07:37

You could be describing my ex. Exactly the same. We are now separated after 20 years. Wish I had ended it sooner.

Original poster
Elizakicking · 28/10/2022 09:33

@Mmmmdanone
has coparenting been okay?

I’m worried about parental alienation or that he’ll try to take DS because I’m “crazy”

Ive raised him near enough on my own

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Mmmmdanone · 28/10/2022 11:45

Fortunately my dd who is now 18 has seen his gaslighting ways first hand and she will never be close with him. My son is another story. He's 13 and seems to prefer his dad to me. Not sure what ex has been saying to him but I just try to be stable and steady and there for ds when he needs me. He has him half the time.
I'm lucky as my kids are older. Think it would be very hard if they were young. I'm actually not sure ex would want him over as much if he was younger though! He's a lazy prick to boot.

lightand · 28/10/2022 11:49

The things he accuse you of, I am guessing are the very things he thinks of himself. So he is giving you clues about how he feels about himself.

Why do you think he changed when ds was born?
Did he want a baby?
Did he want a girl?
Did he feel that the spotlight went from him to the baby?

Comtesse · 28/10/2022 11:55

Well that sounds exhausting. The end is nigh isn’t it?

Original poster
Elizakicking · 28/10/2022 13:03

The baby was very much planned. I don’t know why this has happened.

Ive basically said that I believe he needs to see someone now, he won’t. So I can’t stay like this.

OP posts:
lightand · 28/10/2022 13:05

I would ask him what he thinks about ds now that ds is here.

Original poster
Elizakicking · 28/10/2022 13:08

It’s been 4 years. He does seem to love DS.

it’s me dhe has an issue with

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