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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult daughter in awful situation help please. Trigger warning:sexual assault.

50 replies

Awfuldaytoday · 27/10/2022 18:53

Hi all.
I've changed my username for what will be obvious reasons. MN can verify if necessary. Am posting here for traffic and help. I apologise in advance, this is upsetting.
Today my DD, 20,told me she had been raped, by her current bf. He's a complete cunt, which we knew, and she has been with him for only a few months. She didn't frame it as rape and as their relationship has been coercive, emotionally and physically violent, she has to a great extent normalised it. She has dumped and blocked him but I am lost as how to help her. She lives across town and is on her own this w/e as her flatmate is away. She knows we are here for her, and believe her, but is adamant she wants to stay put tonight. She says she knows it's over. Despite this, he's been trying to get to her all day via all possible social media channels acting like it's all normal.
DD has had great struggles with her MH and has recently been diagnosed with Adhd which I think is relevant as it makes her seek danger not taking into account consequences.
Help please. What should I do? There is the opportunity to get her here tomorrow night and spend a quiet weekend with us which I want to get her to do if poss as it lessens his hold over her.
I think she's beginning to understand but am frightened he'll wangle his way back. To be honest, I worry he'lll hurt her again or frankly, even worse one day.

OP posts:

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/10/2022 18:55

Oh your poor daughter. That's interesting about ADHD - I didn't realise it would affect her like that.

Does she feel safe now? Would she even consider talking to the police? Has he accepted that she doesn't want to see him?

ldontWanna · 27/10/2022 18:58

I'd leave her alone for tonight. Let her process things and feel whatever she feels.

See if she'd like to come over tomorrow or maybe you can go over and take her out. See how she is, maybe suggest she comes for dinner. Take it slowly.

Itisbetter · 27/10/2022 18:58

Do you have cousins or friends she could have to stay? Sometimes just filling the space means someone can’t get in.

SpookyPanda · 27/10/2022 19:02

Can you go and stay there?

WhenDovesFly · 27/10/2022 19:02

Does she want to be on her own or just in her own place? Could you possibly go and stay with her for one night?

ParentallyUnprepared · 27/10/2022 19:03

I'd go to her if I could.

magma32 · 27/10/2022 19:04

I would just turn up and give her a hug.

Original poster

Awfuldaytoday · 27/10/2022 19:05

Thanks all.
@ICanHideButICantRun and @Itisbetter yes, I think she feels safe and is seeing a good friend tonight. Maybe they'll stay over. Last time this happened (it's not the first time) I hotfooted it over and slept there literally to guard her and her flatmate who had called me in distress.
@ldontWanna yes. Need to be calm. She's staking out her space and that could be good.

OP posts:

PorridgePowered · 27/10/2022 19:07

How awful. She is lucky to have a mum like you. I'd reach out to a DA advice service to ask for their suggestions on how you can best help your daughter to stay rid.

FabFitFifties · 27/10/2022 19:08

If she were my DD, I would do my utmost to get her to report this to the police, including any past assaults, so that this is on file, even if she doesn't want him arrested. Hopefully, he will not be a future threat, but if he is, having this information on file, could affect police responses to future complaints/calls for help. They could also direct her to domestic abuse services in your area - to help her feel safe at home and to recognise abusive behaviours. You must be worried sick - she sounds vulnerable.

Comtesse · 27/10/2022 19:09

I would maybe go and sleep on her sofa tonight. Poor love.

Justasmallgless · 27/10/2022 19:09

First I'm so sorry this has happened to your DD

Sign post her to local domestic abuse services who will support her and provide guidance for you both.
If she feels ready to contact the police ask for her IDVA to be present with her.
IDVA will help with safety planning, strategies to deal with him.
There is advice on women's aid website in the interim

At least she has confided in you and taking right steps which is brilliant.

Original poster

Awfuldaytoday · 27/10/2022 19:09

@ParentallyUnprepared and @SpookyPanda I know. This is what I've done in the past but she seems to want to control things herself. She's working until late then seeing a friend. Am v prepared to go over at 3 a.m if necessary. Even have a small bag packed.

OP posts:

Speedweed · 27/10/2022 19:15

Reassure her you can get her out of the situation at any time, day or night. Tell her she's not to worry about money either or rent notice periods, that you'll help her out with that. Gently remind her that predatory men can be difficult to shake off, it's not love or because they care. Work out options for her - maybe staying with cousins in another town etc, if she doesn't want to stay with you - give her options and suggestions.

There's a really good book called In Control by Jane Monckton Smith about these sorts of relationships, and at the end she talks about how her daughter escaped from one of these sorts of relationships, and how she supported her.

Original poster

Awfuldaytoday · 27/10/2022 19:16

@Comtesse i know love, and thank you. I absolutely will if she wants me to.
@Justasmallgless thank you yes. All good. I hadn't thought of keeping things local. She would find that easier she finds it hard to organise stuff so I don't want to put any barriers in her way. Local support would be good.
She won't go to the police. What's an IDVA please?

God I could quite happily kill him.

OP posts:

Quisquam · 27/10/2022 19:19

I suggest you speak to SARC.

Original poster

Awfuldaytoday · 27/10/2022 19:22

@Speedweed good thank you. Yes, I'll get the book.

I've collected together a rescue package, clean pyjamas, clothes, contact lenses and wash stuff. I've sent her a pic so she knows it's all here waiting and she doesn't have to pack or go back to the flat o get things if she suddenly needs to come here. I'll make sure she has enough cash for cabs etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Awfuldaytoday · 27/10/2022 19:26

@Quisquam Thanks, didn't know about this, just googled. Feel stupid for not knowing this stuff before

OP posts:

blackberrybat · 27/10/2022 19:37

No useful suggestions from me OP other than her just knowing you are willing to swoop in and scoop her up will be so comforting for her.

I had a not-very-nice boyfriend in my 20s and although he never physically hurt me I was terrified of him. I remember calling my mother once after he'd been in a drunken rage crying saying 'he's crazy, he said he's going to kill me, I don't know what to do' and she made an excuse to get off the phone and did absolutely nothing. I felt so so alone. Like a PP said please reassure her that nothing matters apart from her safety, nothing. She's so lucky to have you to protect her.

Quveas · 27/10/2022 19:40

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter. It does sound like you are doing everything you can to support her whilst giving her the distance she needs to work things through - knowing you are there for her if she needs it.

But ADHD does not cause people to seek out danger, and it is a disservice to everyone to suggest that it does. Her diagnosis may or may not be related to poor choices. But her age is equally a factor. If you ascribe her choices to her diagnosis then you absolve her of making better choices.

Foxylass · 27/10/2022 19:43

I am so sorry that this is happening to your daughter and to you.

You will already have done this, but repeat it often - let her know that you love her and are there for her. Let her know she is not to blame. Let her know she can tell you anything and you will not judge her.

Let her know that you are strong and can carry anything that she needs to offload (even if you might feel that you are not strong enough, you will be... and she needs to think that she is not being a burdon).

Encourage her to speak to the police - she can make a file and her name will not be disclosed. If enough 'files' are made about one person, the police will take more notice.

Justasmallgless · 27/10/2022 19:44

When did the rape happen?
If it's less than 14 days she can self refer to a sexual assault referral centre SARC and not go to the police.
They will give her an examination and collect samples, as well as give advice on sexual health: - crisis worker will be with her to give her support throughout .

And IDVA is an independent domestic violence advocate . They deal with high risk cases which I would suggest with sexual violence along with CCB it would classify

CarefreeMe · 27/10/2022 19:54

This is awful but I’d be more concerned about him worming his way back in to her life.

My friend’s daughter was sent to hospital multiple times and somehow still allowed the vile boyfriend back in.
It was only when he was done for attempted murder because her injuries were so severe that she’s finally been able to get away from him and my friend is praying that she doesn’t go straight back once he’s out.

I’m glad she’s seeing a friend after work as this is exactly what she needs.

She needs to stay busy and not have any contact with him at all.
He will try anything to worm his way in like crying or being threatening.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this and it’s something I worry about a lot for my DD in the future.

You sound like an amazing mum and your DD confiding in you about these things proves it.

Original poster

Awfuldaytoday · 27/10/2022 19:57

"@blackberrybat you're kind, thanks, but Im definitely not feeling like mother of the year here - in some ways I must have fucked up to make her feel this was all she could expect from life. But it's not about me atm. So I'll kick that to the kerb for the mo and just try and provide practical /emotional support for where we are atm.
@Quveas i hear you and don't want to cause offence but do think in her case there are details of her vulnerabilities which would take to long to share but may well be relevant. Not sure she's been making many conscious choices lately... He's done his best to take all her choices away.
@Foxylass @Justasmallgless useful, thank you. X

OP posts:

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 27/10/2022 19:59

I remember calling my mother once after he'd been in a drunken rage crying saying 'he's crazy, he said he's going to kill me, I don't know what to do' and she made an excuse to get off the phone and did absolutely nothing.
@blackberrybat - I'm so sorry to read this. I want to be extremely rude about your mother but if you still have a relationship with her, I wouldn't like to upset you.
@Awfuldaytoday - you can only be there for her, she knows you are there and available to help. At least she's told you about it, I couldn't tell my own mother when something similar happened to me because she'd have blamed me for leading the man on. (Or so I thought at the time. Now she's dead and I'm the mother of an adult daughter, I think maybe I maligned her.) I hope it all pans out OK for your daughter.

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