Adult daughter in awful situation help please. Trigger warning:sexual assault.

[Awfuldaytoday]

Hi all.
I've changed my username for what will be obvious reasons. MN can verify if necessary. Am posting here for traffic and help. I apologise in advance, this is upsetting.
Today my DD, 20,told me she had been raped, by her current bf. He's a complete cunt, which we knew, and she has been with him for only a few months. She didn't frame it as rape and as their relationship has been coercive, emotionally and physically violent, she has to a great extent normalised it. She has dumped and blocked him but I am lost as how to help her. She lives across town and is on her own this w/e as her flatmate is away. She knows we are here for her, and believe her, but is adamant she wants to stay put tonight. She says she knows it's over. Despite this, he's been trying to get to her all day via all possible social media channels acting like it's all normal.
DD has had great struggles with her MH and has recently been diagnosed with Adhd which I think is relevant as it makes her seek danger not taking into account consequences.
Help please. What should I do? There is the opportunity to get her here tomorrow night and spend a quiet weekend with us which I want to get her to do if poss as it lessens his hold over her.
I think she's beginning to understand but am frightened he'll wangle his way back. To be honest, I worry he'lll hurt her again or frankly, even worse one day.

@CarefreeMe exactly yes, so much. Hell 'be good' for a bit., the shit, and she'll want it to all be ok. She says she's so lonely, and I think that's been why she's let him back in the past. He spent most of the morning telling her nobody likes her and they're talking about her behind her back. He's wrong of course.

Just a thought - she can ask police for a "Clare's Law" disclosure to see if he has any previous domestic abuse history
You can also request this but the information would go to DD.

This must be dreadful for you but she is an adult and make her own choices.

The police route is one she can take but does she want to go to court? She can take out a non- molestation order against him through civil court which the IDVA can help with. She may be able to get legal aid for.

This may help as an interim measure but better to seek proper advice about her individual case.
I would research tonight if she is ok and safe and then meet her tomorrow and present with printed information (or however she best processes it) so she can make some informed decisions

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom ugh. Just feel so useless.

Not at all. You're there for her and she knows it. She couldn't be as strong as she is being without your support. You'll both cope, all the better when armed with facts, advice, and support provided by the MN nest of vipers, who always come up trumps at moments like these.

@blackberrybat I’m so sorry your mother was so utterly useless. Hope you’re ok now.
@Awfuldaytoday I think the Claire’s Law suggestion is good. If DD sees he has previous ( if he does) it might help her see him differently. You’re doing all you can to help your DD.

How old is this prxxx?

Thank you ALL for the advice and comfort. Yes to Claire Law @Justasmallgless .hes just been up court for drink driving so he's no stranger to the legal system for sure.
@Hollyhobbi he's 20. Certainly packing it in. What a wanker.

@Cocolatte24 but glad you think it's funny.

Adhd does not make you seek danger. Because of dopamine doesnt last long in the Adhd brain, What it can do is make people seek a dopamine high. Which can result in addictive and risk taking behaviour if not managed effectively.

What your daughter needs is to find something which can give her the feeling her boyfriend does when things were going well. She likely needs to do work on her self-esteem as well. Fellow adhd-er here.

I have a degree in psychopathology and a high t score on the full scale conners ADHD assessment... You have a dodgy synopsis of a study that actually noted in the abstract (source: Ncbi.non.nih.gov) that people with high level ADHD don’t seek risk; they engage in risky behaviours more... but that they don’t have the same perception of risk as someone without ADHD.

I get you want to tar this guy but I wouldn’t just screenshot a poorly written summary that fits your narrative (and doesn’t match to the study it’s linked to); and one that someone else with a vendetta against someone else with ADHD will likely try and pick up 🤷🏻‍♀️

^^ @Awfuldaytoday

@Cocolatte24@Cocolatte24

@Cocolatte24 soz, posted too soon, OK. We'll not my main concern tonight, which is, in fact, getting appropriate support for DD.

Thanks to all. Have had a call and heading over now.

Hold her tight and be there for her. I'm glad she's letting you in and that you'll be there to support her.

Hugs to you both.

Get her the Lundy Bancroft book “Why Does He Do That” (or the audiobook if you think she’d be more likely to listen to it than read) and sign her up to the Freedom Program before he weasels his way back in.

I'd be on her doorstep tonight and stay with her.

Correcting someone who is spouting incorrect statements on serious medical conditions isn’t point scoring.

Your comment is clearly trying to ‘point score’. As you noted she’s had her great advice (it wasn’t necessary for me to put in my tuppence, clearly no one is going to think her daughter or her are in the wrong) but throw away comments on a condition that are factually untrue don’t help anyone.

I also question anybody who is happy letting a falsehood lie...

Also what part of my response was emotional, as noted above I didn’t need to jump on the bandwagon... and when was a degree related to emotional intelligence? 😅 I’ve met plenty of people at university with a lack of EQ!

I'm glad you're going to be with her. Poor love.

She will almost certainly try to minimise it all at some point - when she feels lonely or he has sweet talked her for long enough - you need to be there then, to persuade her to stand firm.

How is your daughter this morning. Been thinking of you both

@minisoksmakehardwork yes, that's exactly what I meant. Thank you for expressing it more clearly. Its all been a bit scrambled here.

@Justasmallgless bless you, thanks.
A difficult day getting and making appointments but together and safe.

@minisoksmakehardwork yes, that's exactly what I meant. Thank you for expressing it more clearly. Its all been a bit scrambled here.

@Justasmallgless bless you, thanks.
A difficult day getting and making appointments but together and safe.

She’s so lucky to have you!!! 💐💐💐

Do you have a partner? When my sister was in a similar situation, my dad picked the boyfriend up by his neck, pinned him to the wall and threatened to kill him if he came near her again. It did the job. Although I'm sure that would be called 'toxic masculinity' these days.