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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found dirty photos on partners phone

39 replies

dddxxx · 27/10/2022 16:14

Hi I don’t know why I’m writing on here but I’m in pieces

my partner and I have two daughters. 6 months and 6 years. We’ve been together 3, (first dd he took on like his own when she had just turned 3). He was rained off work this morning, and had been upstairs whilst I had the health visitor in. After she left I went up the stairs and found him sleeping, phone unlocked? I’ve never ever checked his phone and I’ve trusted him throughout the whole relationship, but something told me to look. I wish I hadn’t. I seen that he’d exchanged photos with this woman. He’s sent her pictures of his bits and she’s sent back what I can only describe as filth. I confronted him and he immediately admitted everything and said it was once. I don’t believe him! I then had to pick up my older daughter from school and im absolutely numb. He knows I’ve had abusive relationships in the past and how much I’ve battled with my mental health I never thought in a million years this could happen… silly me. After having our youngest daughter he knows how insecure I’ve been which makes it so much harder to accept. I’m absolutely heart broken. I read a post not long ago about a woman who went through the same thing and I remember discussing with him how horrible that must feel. He agreed Knowing fine well he’s done the same. These photos are 3 weeks old and I can’t believe I’ve shared a bed with him since. If he hadn’t of been rained off work I wouldn’t know, my god I’ve never felt pain like this. Ive just got on my feet and have been coping well since having youngest DD. He wants to talk through things and said he’s been really down and it’s a huge massive mistake. He said he doesn’t know the girl and he’s never cheated before, nothing physical has happened but how do I know? It seems like everything has been a lie. He said it was whilst I was sleeping, and regrets it. I just can’t take this in. Please help me

OP posts:
FreshCop · 27/10/2022 16:22

I would consider approaching this woman directly and asking what exactly has happened from her perspective.

I can understand you’re upset but please try and control yourself and be as logical as possible gather hard facts before he gets to hide and control the narrative.

When it comes to times like these you really need to be as collected and aware as possible for you and your girls.

Original poster
dddxxx · 27/10/2022 16:39

He said it’s a fake account, I’m not sure if that’s true however she doesn’t have any other social media. It’s a Snapchat account and doesn’t have a picture just a name. Doesn’t matter either way it’s still absolutely heart breaking and a lot to take in. My girls are my world so keeping it together for now, I just don’t know what to do I’ve never been in this position before. Crazy how you can wake up and get on with your day, and then it can change in a second 😫

OP posts:
serenaisaknobhead · 27/10/2022 16:46

He needs to leave while you gather yourself and decide what you want to do next

serenaisaknobhead · 27/10/2022 16:47

Don't talk through things with him until youve recovered from the shock. Whatever you do now, make sure it is on YOUR terms

Ludo19 · 27/10/2022 16:48

So while you were asleep, he sent some random, pictures of his cock because he was feeling down? So how on earth would that make him feel better? Plus what was his end game in this? To meet up with her so their bits could meet in person?

I'm so sorry OP no one deserves this. You need to really get into his reason for this and he (I hope) will tell you the absolute truth.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:49

He doesn't know her but she's sent him nude/sexual/explicit pics of videos of herself and received them from him?

Why?

Is he saying she's a sex worker?
Did he pay somehow for their interaction?

If she's not, is he saying she's a random woman he met on some kind of sex/swinging or whatever site and exchanged images (which means they might not know each other but must exchanged at least a few messages before exchanging images..... how is it a fake account in that case?

Is he just saying it's a fake account to try to stop you from contacting her on it?

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:51

Yeah "feeling down" .... Lots of people feel down but don't cheat on the partners, who've recently had their child.

Depression is cheater bingo, along with addiction and feeling disconnected/neglected by their partner (even though they never try to broach or repair any disconnection).

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:52

Some also blame medication if they can too.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:53

He said it’s a fake account, I’m not sure if that’s true however she doesn’t have any other social media. It’s a Snapchat account and doesn’t have a picture just a name

How did he start communicating with her?

lovepostits · 27/10/2022 16:55

I think he's faking self-pity as he has no other 'excuse' for treating you so poorly. I've seen this before. Essentially, he's a really insecure and selfish human being that needs constant attention and so gets his cheap thrills from sending immature pictures to some woman. You already have 2 children and you don't need another. If it was me I would make him feel sooooo pathetic in the truest sense of the word.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:56

said it was once. I don’t believe him!

It is a phenomenal coincidence how so many posters' partners on here get found out the first and only time they've done something. What horrendous bad luck they seem to have, against all statistical probability, one would think.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:58

I think he's faking self-pity as he has no other 'excuse' for treating you so poorly.

I'm sure he'll be along with some excuses based on op's pregnancy and the babyhood of their 6 month old.

He'll be neglected, ignored, lacking attention, side lined, excluded .... And op won't have a been a porny sex kitten.

FreshCop · 27/10/2022 16:59

dddxxx · 27/10/2022 16:39

He said it’s a fake account, I’m not sure if that’s true however she doesn’t have any other social media. It’s a Snapchat account and doesn’t have a picture just a name. Doesn’t matter either way it’s still absolutely heart breaking and a lot to take in. My girls are my world so keeping it together for now, I just don’t know what to do I’ve never been in this position before. Crazy how you can wake up and get on with your day, and then it can change in a second 😫

The fact it was on Snapchat is fishy in itself as people use that for a reason, because it automatically deletes texts and lets you know when someone screenshots. Cheaters love it for that reason.

for the images and videos to have saved on Snapchat it mean he chose to save those.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:59

Male pnd may even be rolled out

I think that'll be really popular in cheater bingo when they catch onto it.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 17:02

He had to have "met" and contacted her somehow to connect with her on Snapchat surely?

Could he have been on dating or hookup sites?

FreshCop · 27/10/2022 17:02

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 16:59

Male pnd may even be rolled out

I think that'll be really popular in cheater bingo when they catch onto it.

If he gets really desperate he will then suggest counselling and claim he has a mental problem/addiction to porn or something of the sort

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 17:08

FreshCop · 27/10/2022 17:02

If he gets really desperate he will then suggest counselling and claim he has a mental problem/addiction to porn or something of the sort

Show quote history

Yes, generally they hit one or more of

  • depression/mental health/temporary insanity
One poster's partner even blamed his anti hair loss medication
  • addiction
  • sexual deprivation, lack of chandelier swinging
  • turning it on the op, who generally hasn't been doing anything wrong but he'll trump something up and use it to justify cheating ... Even though it doesn't.

And I or we will do counselling is always the get out of jail free card ... The joint counselling will usually consist of both of them being made accountsbkd for the cheating.

SundayFunde · 27/10/2022 17:08

If it looks like a fake account I hope it's not one of those blackmail scams. That would be such a shame for him

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 17:09

"And I or we will do counselling" is always the get out of jail free card ... The joint counselling will usually consist of both of them being made accountable for the cheating.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 17:10

SundayFunde · 27/10/2022 17:08

If it looks like a fake account I hope it's not one of those blackmail scams. That would be such a shame for him

Why, did somebody force him to send pics of his erect dick with a gun to his head?

And likewise receive explicit pics back ... And save them.

LemonDrop22 · 27/10/2022 17:16

He has a long term partner, a 6 yr old step daughter he took on, and a new baby.

His partner has shared with him what effect previous abusive relationships had on her, she has shared with him that the pregnancy and new baby had made her feel somewhat insecure, she has related a cheating thread on here to him and he has sympathised (while knowing he cheated).

Why would it be a shame for him that he gave himself permission to exchange explicit intimate photos with another woman in light of all the above.

Is it not a shame for op, the mother of his child, thevwinannwhis trusted him. The woman who's let him become a step Dad to her child?

RealBecca · 27/10/2022 17:19

Kick him out and tell him you want space, you dont know how long for and that he can still see DD and see how he reacts.

Even if you dont want to end it over the cheating, I'd want to see of he carries o on apologising or starts thrashing about and blaming you, blaming your sex life, the baby, depression....

I'd want to see if he was a prick when he doesnt know if you are going to take him back and I'd want to make it at least long enough that he has to say something to whoever's he is staying with about him being at some way at fault.

Original poster
dddxxx · 27/10/2022 17:58

He’s suggested sleeping in his shed, because he has work tomorrow. Poor him

I’ve forwarded the photos to his mother who can pick him up. I’m sick of everyone feeling sorry for him. I have went above and beyond to support him, his career, financially when he’s been low I’ve helped him with savings. It’s just starting to sink in now, what an arsehole. He’s using his mental health as an excuse but there’s been many a time I’ve been really bad and never would I send pictures of my bits to someone else for attention. Jesus I have to laugh

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 27/10/2022 18:03

If he regretted it and it was a random one off decision he’d have deleted the photos and moved on. He kept them to go back to. He sounds awful OP

Artygirlghost · 27/10/2022 18:17

He is just trying the usual pathetic excuses.

He has probably been interacting with women who are either sex workers or are on hook up/dating sites behind your back for a while.

He just sounds like a spineless waste of space.

I would just kick him out now and get yourself a sexual health check too because he might have been fooling around with them online only (which by the way way is enough of a reason to cut him loose) with no intention to meet them or he could have acted on it in the past and put you at risk.

I must say I am always staggered how how many many men will put their family at risk simply because they can't resist doing this type of things. It truly baffles me. They have young kids and a loving wife and they throw it all away for the thrill of sending a picture of their dick to someone who is likely to be after their money anyway and might not even be an actual woman. I mean WTF?

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