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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to buy many Christmas and birthday presents for DS

44 replies

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 27/10/2022 09:16

My DS is almost 5. His birthday is in early Feb. I have struggled since his birth with the concept of Christmas and birthday presents. He doesn’t need anything and if there are particular toys he likes, I will buy him those throughout the year but his taste is simple and inexpensive.

I am single and although I am lucky I can afford presents as am on an above average salary, it seems like such a waste of money and ‘stuff’ to me. My former husband also doesn’t contribute as has no money really so everything like DS holidays, clubs, childcare fall to me so I do need to be careful.

My former in-laws will give him a bike this year for Christmas. For his birthday, they pay money into a savings account that he can access when he is 18 and my parents do the same and this year my parents will also replace his Amazon tablet that is no longer working.

His birthday is so soon after Christmas which also adds to this feeling of waste.

This is the first year I am holding a birthday party with friends and I didn’t realise how much parties cost. I’m tempted not to buy him anything for his birthday as he will receive 29 presents from class mates. I might buy him a couple of books for Christmas.

I don’t think he will feel left out as he has no siblings or cousins to compare his experience with but I appreciate children at school talk!

My family don’t celebrate Christmas for religious reasons so I don’t know if this is clouding my judgement but is it acceptable to not really buy your children presents for Christmas and birthdays?

OP posts:

quietnightmare · 27/10/2022 09:20

Sounds great. Buy what you can afford. It's your family. Pound shop for some sweets and chocolate and maybe just some pound toys or something at a push

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/10/2022 09:21

Get him one nice thing to open. Those 29 presents from classmates will be tat and regifts and no real thought will have gone into them. And if you actually get 29 presents (or the whole class actually turning up to the party) I'll be surprised. Apathy is rife these days.

inappropriateraspberry · 27/10/2022 09:21

I'd just do a small stocking with some sweets, small toys etc. then a small gift from you. At school he will be picking up on what everyone else does, having Xmas films and stories that will push the present side etc.
And just because he doesn't need anything, doesn't mean he doesn't want anything. I bet there a secret yearning for some toy or other!

inappropriateraspberry · 27/10/2022 09:23

Also, in the future hold off on buying him things as and when, especially from September onwards. I always tell mine to add it to their Xmas list! Then you have options and they often change their minds after a few weeks!

Original poster

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 27/10/2022 09:24

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/10/2022 09:21

This is true. I have not factored in the quality factor of what he receives from friends, especially so soon after Christmas.

OP posts:

inappropriateraspberry · 27/10/2022 09:24

You should get him a birthday present. We didn't bother when the children were babies/tiny as they were given lots from family and friends and they weren't aware. At 5, he will notice that you're not giving him a present.

Whinge · 27/10/2022 09:25

I would get him something. He may not need anything but that doesn't mean there isn't anything he wants. The gifts from classmates might be cheap gifts, something he has no interest in, or they may not send a gift at all.

I would also find it strange to wake up in the morning and have nothing to open or play with. Even if the party is on his birthday (they're usually the weekend closest) then he may be waiting hours for it to start, and for me waking up wih no presents is just a weird way to celebrate a birthday.

mumonthehill · 27/10/2022 09:32

I think it is important that he has a gift to open, imagine him going into school and him being asked what did your mum give you and he says nothing. If he gets things through the year, which my ds’s never did, you could just give him one thing you know he might like. So if he is getting a bike get him a fab helmet or wheel lights. If he likes Lego get him a small set. A few sweets etc. you do not need to go mad, but giving gifts is a lovely thing to do.

PorridgePowered · 27/10/2022 09:32

I think as long as he is getting gifts, you don't need to. Though something goofy like his name spelled out in sweets/new socks/a bouncy ball/blowing bubbles etc set out on the dining table might make him light up. I don't usually go in for worrying about comparison, but i think it's important he has an answer to give when asked 'what did you get for your birthday' by his friends.

madnesss · 27/10/2022 09:35

I think it's really mean tbh and he won't remember the 29 birthday presents he got, he will remember the one he didn't get. Please don't do that to your son. You talk about not wanting to be wasteful as if it's an excuse to not give your son a present. Do the legwork and get something that isn't wasteful.

CSR721 · 27/10/2022 09:37

Hubs and I have had this discussion (due our first imminently) we will be getting one gift for our kiddos. They'll get plenty from other family and friends, they don't need heaps from us as well!

junebirthdaygirl · 27/10/2022 09:39

Could you get him an experience that you can do later in Spring like tickets to a pet farm or an outdoor play area that you would be doing anyway. I would stop getting him things throughout the year so much except maybe some outdoor Summer toys then get something for Christmas. Think dc always need new colours/ books/playdough so anything like that to open is still fun. Or a t-shirt with his favourite character/ animal. Just to have the excitement of opening stuff.

Twillow · 27/10/2022 09:40

It's very acceptable not to go OTT on gifts, one stand-out item is ample and if as you say grandparents already have those covered then books or something as a symbolic, thoughtful gift is fine. I wonder if you have got into the habit of buying him whatever he wants throughout the year - maybe start to put some of these on a wish list instead in the coming year?

Whinge · 27/10/2022 09:43

CSR721 · 27/10/2022 09:37

Hubs and I have had this discussion (due our first imminently) we will be getting one gift for our kiddos. They'll get plenty from other family and friends, they don't need heaps from us as well!

I'd love to chat in a couple of years time. What you say will happen and what you end up doing are often very different things. Saying you'll only give them one is easy. But when you know your child would love the cuddly toy from their favourite TV show, and a scooter just like their friend, and the magnetic tiles they played with at the toy shop, and the stomp rocket they saw a child playing with at the park. it's very hard to actually only buying and give them one thing.

TowerStork · 27/10/2022 09:44

Presents were not a big thing in my house growing up and often practical. Once my mom bought me a duvet cover in colours I liked so it was more about making a fuss of me personalising my own space than the gift itself. My birthday was just after Christmas so I'd already gotten things. I think the emphasis on gifts is a bit obscene. Why buy things for the sake of it when there are other ways to show love?

YellowTreeHouse · 27/10/2022 09:47

Yeah, YABU. You can’t not get your kids m(any) presents for their birthday and Christmas because you have a silly idea of waste.

If you actually gave a shit about that you wouldn’t have had a child in the first place.

stealthninjamum · 27/10/2022 09:49

Op I think it’s ok that you personally don’t really celebrate Christmas/ birthdays but it seems harsh to impose that on a child. That’s not to say that you need to go mad but you don’t want him to have a bad day if he compares himself to his friends.

As a pp said you can stop giving him things from September and wrap them up for Christmas. Young kids do like having a pile of presents and I would make sure that mine get things like underwear, themed socks and pyjamas / onesies (eg minecraft, unicorns depending on their interests), stationery/ craft items, books as well as toys. I’m sure in the past mine have even loved small items like a dinosaur tooth brush given by Santa.

TheBirdintheCave · 27/10/2022 09:49

We follow the 'something to wear, something to read, something you want and something you need' mantra, so our son (nearly two) gets four presents from us for his birthday in November and then again for Christmas. His relatives choose some other small bits from a list we have (small house so limited storage space) or just give us vouchers or money for him.

This year we're giving him:

A Spanish story book (as he'll be starting lessons next year).

Another jumper.

A mini play kitchen.

A set of felt food to go in the play kitchen.

Original poster

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 27/10/2022 09:49

I appreciate this feedback. Although it’s not me not wanting to ‘get out of buying a present’. It is me thinking if I spend X on presents it means there will be less to spend when I treat him to Eurodisney in the summer.

However, I am coming at this from an adult’s perspective and I do understand that it would be strange for him to have nothing to open on the day itself and the last thing I want to do is for him to feel left out at school. Part of it is me not knowing what he wants perhaps so I will speak to him more. I have spent money on big gifts before that get ditched but he is then happy playing with a wooden toy from Tiger for months on end!

OP posts:

stealthninjamum · 27/10/2022 09:51

I just remembered that I have also bought mine things like cushions and blankets and rugs and they still love them so they don’t have to just get a huge pile of toys (although mine do get some Lego and board games every year)

AloysiusBear · 27/10/2022 09:52

Most people don't just buy toys constantly throughout the year, so its arguably no more wasteful than your approach.

We don't buy toys through the year. If DS wants something in september, he knows christmas is coming and he might get it then. Might.

AloysiusBear · 27/10/2022 09:55

Also i dont think children need a huge pile.

If your DS is having a bike from another relative, I'd probably just buy a board game then fill a stocking with little bits - sweets, pants & socks, craft stuff, stickers, a book

Monoprix · 27/10/2022 09:56

Stop buying him gifts outside his birthday and Christmas. If he gets lots of presents for those occasions there’s absolutely no need to buy more at other times.
He is 5 and has his own tablet?

Original poster

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 27/10/2022 09:57

YellowTreeHouse · 27/10/2022 09:47

Yeah, YABU. You can’t not get your kids m(any) presents for their birthday and Christmas because you have a silly idea of waste.

If you actually gave a shit about that you wouldn’t have had a child in the first place.

Wow harsh! My child is loved and secure and incredibly happy. I am sorry you equalise showing your love to your children with material gifts. I would also be careful with making such comments as you don’t know the personal circumstances. Did you know my former husband wanted me to have an abortion? Did you know how hard I worked to stop him from manipulating me into that? Do you know I sacrificed my marriage for my child to ensure he doesn’t grow up in a household where he may have the slightest feeling of being unwanted by a parent? My son is my life and do think carefully in future before making potentially triggering comments.

I do take on board other users’ comments that I shouldn’t be buying him things constantly throughout the year, as and when he wants things and perhaps that is the issue, his room and the house is full of stuff built up throughout the year.

OP posts:

TheBirdintheCave · 27/10/2022 09:58

Some of these comments are really odd. Christmas is not about presents. Yes that bit is exciting as a child but what I actually remember as a grown up is the little disco we had in my aunt's kitchen and singing along to Queen or cooking cakes with my grandma, tasting my granddad's pork crackling, the smell of my nanna's perfume as she gave me a big hug etc etc. Love and being together as a family is what's important.

I refuse to buy my son mountains of things he doesn't need just to 'keep up' with other families. I want to focus on giving him amazing memories instead.

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