AIBU not to buy many Christmas and birthday presents for DS

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

My DS is almost 5. His birthday is in early Feb. I have struggled since his birth with the concept of Christmas and birthday presents. He doesn’t need anything and if there are particular toys he likes, I will buy him those throughout the year but his taste is simple and inexpensive.

I am single and although I am lucky I can afford presents as am on an above average salary, it seems like such a waste of money and ‘stuff’ to me. My former husband also doesn’t contribute as has no money really so everything like DS holidays, clubs, childcare fall to me so I do need to be careful.

My former in-laws will give him a bike this year for Christmas. For his birthday, they pay money into a savings account that he can access when he is 18 and my parents do the same and this year my parents will also replace his Amazon tablet that is no longer working.

His birthday is so soon after Christmas which also adds to this feeling of waste.

This is the first year I am holding a birthday party with friends and I didn’t realise how much parties cost. I’m tempted not to buy him anything for his birthday as he will receive 29 presents from class mates. I might buy him a couple of books for Christmas.

I don’t think he will feel left out as he has no siblings or cousins to compare his experience with but I appreciate children at school talk!

My family don’t celebrate Christmas for religious reasons so I don’t know if this is clouding my judgement but is it acceptable to not really buy your children presents for Christmas and birthdays?

Yes an Amazon firestick that is only for children and used at weekends and on flights. Is that not appropriate?

Perhaps don't buy him so much stuff during the year (unless it's really needed, obvs). Then you'd have a choice of a few things for birthday/Christmas.

Don't be concerned about kids talking about what they received for Christmas when they go back to school - at that age, they generally don't, by the time they go back, Christmas is over a week ago and mostly long forgotten .

I think it's brilliant that your parents and in laws put money away for him. This will be far more use than 18 years worth of tat that would most likely be played with for a little while then forgotten about. If we added up how much we'd wasted over the years on 'stuff' for the kids we'd probably be horrified - the money would be far more use to them when they're older.

He's receiving a bike - that's a BIG present, so you could buy him a couple of books or jigsaws and some sweeties, and a little stocking - that's plenty.

We only ever buy DS19 one gift for birthday, and stocking (about a dozen things, used to be socks, chocolate, small toy, keyrings etc) and one present for Christmas.

Sounds tight...? But he would be getting at least 20 other gifts from relatives and friends etc so seems mad to have just got stuff for the sake of it. Plus he hasn't gone without. Things like bikes etc were given as needed and not presents (imo) so he got things like a wanted computer game, or a decent wok one year (he's mad on noodles and stir fries etc), tickets to see Book of Mormon this year etc.

Can you imagine if someone asks your DS what mummy bought him for his birthday and he says nothing, that's heartbreaking.

Buy him something special. It doesn't have to cost a lot but something he can remember you bought him.

I limit the amount of 'stuff' I buy and top up DS savings account if I feel like I haven't spent much on him.

Yes I absolutely don’t want that. His birthday is on a school day so I am sure it will be a topic of conversation with his classmates and even teacher so I will certainly make sure he receives one decent present in the morning before school.

No i think its really shitty tbh. Its not that you're so skint you can't afford it but will make up for it in other ways. It's essentially that you don't value it. You think that other people will make up for you but they won't. He absolutely will notice.

You say he won't feel left out because he has no young family, but he will already feel left out among his friends at school BECAUSE he has no young family. He won't have cousins or siblings to play with so you have a big gap to fill in already. You kind of need to be making more effort to make these things special for him. Not less.

I have always heard that kids born near Christmas (and I wouldn't really consider February close - my sister is born then) resented it when they'd get a joint present when everyone else got more.
29 cheap gifts is not a substitute for a present from his mum. But you don't have to spend loads, just something special from you. It could even be a day doing something he really wants to do with just you, his choice though!

You're right. You can develop your own style Christmas. I have one ds and I've learned over the years that what works for him is:

One main present - something he has specifically said he wants. Rather than buying things throughout the year, if your dc asks for something in October or November, buy it and put it aside to open on Christmas morning. This year, mine will have his first adult size bike.(I've traded in his old one to keep the cost down.)

Then some little xmas things - a chocolate Santa, xmas socks etc. New pjs. (He's usually grown out of the old ones anyway.)

Doing his room up. I sneak into his room when he's asleep (thankfully he sleeps like the dead) and change lampshades, string up fairy lights, change the cushions on his bed for xmas ones, even swap duvets etc. So he wakes up 'in Xmas'. When he was little I used to tell him I'd done it by magic 😊

A special Christmas breakfast. This year will be hot chocolate, warm pain au raisin and some sort of fruit - maybe fresh pineapple. Making Christmas morning special, then going to see friends after lunch.

I used to buy lots of presents but most of them were put to one side, so not really worth the money.

The most important thing for young children is happy memories. As a pp suggested get him 1 present to open, then concentrate on activities to create memories, not mega expensive activities.

Poor kid ☹️

You sound a bit detached as in not really knowing what to buy him. He will remember what Mum bought him - it doesn't matter whether his birthday is on a school day, or that you are spending money on Disney - you should really want to give him a gift (which can be small) - if cost and waste are both issues then buy less throughout the year.

I agree I don’t value it and that is wrong and I need to look at it from a child’s perspective not an adult’s

However, again, this comment ‘He won't have cousins or siblings to play with so you have a big gap to fill in already’ is not helpful. I am not sure what gap we are talking about? He is well adjusted and am told one of the most popular children in nursery and now in his class.

I am not going to give him extra presents to make up for something that is not within my control but I appreciate now he should receive something.

I disagree he should receive ‘more’ than another child would to make up for being an only child without cousins!

I do appreciate most of the useful practical comments on here. However, do please stop with the mum guilt comments. ‘Poor kid’ ‘You shouldn’t have had a child’ ‘You need to work harder because your child is an only child’. I would also point out that just because there aren’t many presents that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to enjoy Christmas experiences and days out which I have already booked for this year! The spreading of gifts throughout the year is because some things he wants might be summer and garden toys and I’m not waiting until Christmas to give him those. Or, he might love Spiderman one day and then Fireman Sam a few months after so again, I am not waiting months for his taste to change. As I say, I have taken on board the useful comments and he will receive some thought out presents.

I am 62 but still remember some of the gifts bought for me by my Mum and Dad - in particular a tiny-tears doll. Not huge gifts but bought with love - I don't really remember the rest.

We're similar in that we have family that but gifts and don't really celebrate Xmas.
You don't need to buy expensive stuff but it's nice to make a fuss of dc on their actual birthday and just get a stocking for Xmas.
On birthdays we do a special favourite breakfast and gifts are a book, some chocolate and one other thing like a craft set or small toy. Then cake in the afternoon.
Xmas stockings include a book, chocolate and a couple of other things.

This is what we do. We generally don't buy them any toys during the year, just at Christmas and birthdays. They don't ask for much, but if they do admire something in a shop, we suggest they add it to their Christmas/birthday list. Then coming up to Christmas they're allowed to ask for 3 things from the list.

But do it your way, it's fine. It sounds like he's happy with how things are, and it's good to set expectations at this age.

I never over did gifts, similar situation with birthday, but I did buy things in the summer if needed. Most kids have far too much, don't feel guilty for being sensible

Print out something from Disney , roll it into a cracker shape and wrap it up - we do that when we’re taking ours to theme parks for their present. Then some chocs and you’re done. He’s then having a Disney trip, bike and tablet for Christmas! He’s not going to
mind who it’s all from!

You could make him a special birthday breakfast and then take him out on the day itself to buy him a gift that he can choose himself. Maybe treat him after to a nice treat after eg. Hot choc and cake. If he enjoys it then you could make a tradition of it .