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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was that text from?

27 replies

Cupp · 26/10/2022 15:05

Male here looking for advice/opinions.

My wife of two years is considerably younger that me and it seems her whole life revolves around her phone. I knew how important it was to her because we were together for five years before marriage.

My biggest niggle is this; when we are alone together, (in bed, chilling on the sofa, in the car, having a walk) she will get a message on her phone and launch into a full-scale conversation. When the texts are done, she will put her phone down and get back to what we were previously doing/talking about as if the messages never happened.

Now I'm not jealous or suspicions of anything but it bugs me. I feel as if someone is invading our space at that moment, and I think just cursory "oh, it's just bla bla asking about tomorrows lunch" would be the normal thing to do.

I know I do exactly that, and if I don't instantly tell her who's texting me, she fires questions to me like "Who's that", "What are you talking about", "Let me see".

Is it simply a polite thing to do? Is she being rude? Inconsiderate? disrespectful?
or am I being unreasonable and is it a generation thing I need to accept?

OP posts:
Cw112 · 26/10/2022 15:10

My dh will be texting someone and I'm not immediately thinking who's he texting because I trust him so it's a non issue. As long as he's not texting during a date or designated quality time then I've no problem with it and vice versa. If you want to know who she's texting why not ask or if you'd prefer specific quality time without the space invasion you need to ask your wife if she'd be open to phone free times and then agree what those are eg during a weekly date night or when you're out on a date together so you have each others full attention and you've agreed an expectation and boundary. But when you're just hanging out at home then I think it's unreasonable to expect her to ignore someone texting her or feel like she has to tell you who it is.

Electricstar · 26/10/2022 15:16

I think my DH would laugh if I showed him this post because he is always moaning at me for being on my phone texting in full convo my friends or my mum whilst we’re in bed about to watch something or relaxing on the sofa (actually, are you my DH? Lol)
I have never cheated and it just friends or my mum that I message. DH has never thought anything weird about who I’m texting and we’ve been together 5 years so I’d like to think he trusts me.

I think if it is really bugging you and your gut is saying something is up then I do not see the harm in bringing it up.
Like I said I do it and I can tell you there is absolutely nothing sinister going on, although can understand why it annoys DH it always seems to be when we’re about to watch something that friends or family need me

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 26/10/2022 15:22

Electricstar · 26/10/2022 15:16

I think my DH would laugh if I showed him this post because he is always moaning at me for being on my phone texting in full convo my friends or my mum whilst we’re in bed about to watch something or relaxing on the sofa (actually, are you my DH? Lol)
I have never cheated and it just friends or my mum that I message. DH has never thought anything weird about who I’m texting and we’ve been together 5 years so I’d like to think he trusts me.

I think if it is really bugging you and your gut is saying something is up then I do not see the harm in bringing it up.
Like I said I do it and I can tell you there is absolutely nothing sinister going on, although can understand why it annoys DH it always seems to be when we’re about to watch something that friends or family need me

But does your DH know who you are texting because OP doesn't. Me and DP don't ask who we are texting but he always tells me and I always tell him, just the way we are I suppose

MRSE20 · 26/10/2022 15:24

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 26/10/2022 15:22

But does your DH know who you are texting because OP doesn't. Me and DP don't ask who we are texting but he always tells me and I always tell him, just the way we are I suppose

Show quote history

Yes, most of the time “Oh! Sorry just messaging mum back quickly” or something like that. But not all the time, sometimes I talk to friends and don’t say who I’m talking to. Unless he asks which he usually doesn’t

AnonyMouseToday · 26/10/2022 15:26

I often get texts from the school class what's app, or my kids sports club WhatsApp, or random work texts and emails. I rarely say to DH 'oh that was Mary reminding the group that training for Toby is 7 not 6:30 tonight', because it's not important! Or I wouldnt say, 'that's my employee dropping a text/email to say they've sent me that report I asked them for'.

Often times my texts/emails and responding to them are an inconvenience and not fun and I don't want to think or talk about them when I'm with DH! I will look, respond, then ignore. I just want to enjoy DH company and forget the stress ❤️

CoveredInCobwebs · 26/10/2022 15:28

Personally I think it’s quite rude getting into a text chat when you two are spending time together. If DH or I are spending time as a couple then if a text comes in we would say ‘oh I need to get this it’s x from work’ or whatever it may be. Otherwise we would ignore it. and we would definitely tell the other what the text was about.
Obviously others don’t feel that way though!

Facecream · 26/10/2022 15:33

It entirely depends on context. If she’s texting continuously it’s frustrating and rude.
If it’s intermittent and in response to someone, just because you are present it doesn’t make it rude.
Why does it bother you if you are just chilling? If you aren’t in conversation it’s not rude…

ElrondsEars · 26/10/2022 16:05

Completely agree with you, OP - my BF does this and I find it so strange. It’s not about being intrusive or controlling, it’s just (to me) part of normal conversation / sharing lives

Blocked · 26/10/2022 16:08

I have several messenger and WhatsApp groups that are a steady flow of conversation most evenings, I suspect a lot of people have the same. It's probably just nonsense chatter and nothing to be jealous or annoyed about.

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 16:15

That fact you are asking and questioning yourself if this is fair of you to feel like that , tells me (and I don’t mean to offend you) that your a push over and too soft with her . Her actions in my opinion is totally rude / disrespectful and would annoy the shit out of me . If you continue to not set your own boundaries in your marriage , then she will get totally bored , take you for granted , disrespect you and so on . NO woman likes a push over . EVERY woman (if they are sane) probably wouldn’t admit it , but they like to be put in their place , checked , in a assertive way . Start taking the lead in your boundaries else she ll start (already has) taking the piss .

CuriousCatfish · 26/10/2022 16:15

I never ask DP who he is messaging and he never asks me. I will mention something if it's relevant to him, otherwise he's not that interested and neither am I in his messages.

CuriousCatfish · 26/10/2022 16:16

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 16:15

That fact you are asking and questioning yourself if this is fair of you to feel like that , tells me (and I don’t mean to offend you) that your a push over and too soft with her . Her actions in my opinion is totally rude / disrespectful and would annoy the shit out of me . If you continue to not set your own boundaries in your marriage , then she will get totally bored , take you for granted , disrespect you and so on . NO woman likes a push over . EVERY woman (if they are sane) probably wouldn’t admit it , but they like to be put in their place , checked , in a assertive way . Start taking the lead in your boundaries else she ll start (already has) taking the piss .

Fuck off with that bollocks.

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/10/2022 16:28

do you ever ask?

Electricstar · 26/10/2022 16:30

CuriousCatfish · 26/10/2022 16:15

I never ask DP who he is messaging and he never asks me. I will mention something if it's relevant to him, otherwise he's not that interested and neither am I in his messages.

!! I agree with you so much. I am married and live with this man we’ve been together long enough not to have to constantly ask who we are texting or wonder who we are texting
Every couple is different but tbh I never ask my DH who he is messaging I think I’d get on his nerves 😂

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 16:32

CuriousCatfish - Rather than telling me to ‘fuck off with that bollocks’ try explaining , if you can , in a decent manner , why you think that’s bollocks ? It’s my opinion on the situation the man has asked advice on . That’s what this forum is for . Not for telling people to ‘Fuck off’ because it doesn’t suit you and you don’t agree !

AryaStarkWolf · 26/10/2022 16:33

Well it's double standards isn't it? It would be different if she didn't demand you tell her who your were messaging. Messaging someone in the middle of a conversation is pretty rude as well

girlmom21 · 26/10/2022 16:36

I don't think her texting and not telling you who it is is a problem.

I think her interrupting your conversations is rude and her insisting on knowing who you're texting and demanding you show her the messages is a problem.

CuriousCatfish · 26/10/2022 16:39

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 16:32

CuriousCatfish - Rather than telling me to ‘fuck off with that bollocks’ try explaining , if you can , in a decent manner , why you think that’s bollocks ? It’s my opinion on the situation the man has asked advice on . That’s what this forum is for . Not for telling people to ‘Fuck off’ because it doesn’t suit you and you don’t agree !

Because women don't need 'boundaries and putting in their place.

RedDwarfGarbagePod · 26/10/2022 16:51

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 16:15

That fact you are asking and questioning yourself if this is fair of you to feel like that , tells me (and I don’t mean to offend you) that your a push over and too soft with her . Her actions in my opinion is totally rude / disrespectful and would annoy the shit out of me . If you continue to not set your own boundaries in your marriage , then she will get totally bored , take you for granted , disrespect you and so on . NO woman likes a push over . EVERY woman (if they are sane) probably wouldn’t admit it , but they like to be put in their place , checked , in a assertive way . Start taking the lead in your boundaries else she ll start (already has) taking the piss .

I have neither need nor desire to be 'put in my place' by my husband. We're equal partners in our marriage and that sort of dominant/submissive dynamic has no place in our relationship. There's no way in hell that I would have married somebody who saw fit to correct me like I'm a child.

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 16:52

Everyone , men and woman need boundaries and if they are being rude , disrespectful, and inconsiderate to their husband or wife , they need to be checked and put in their place , else the marriage becomes unfair and unhappy . I believe this man’s wife is being disrespectful and rude and he needs the confidence to express his thoughts and feelings ( in a kind way ) to her . That’s my opinion! Like it or not , but I don’t like the fact you think you have the right to tell me to Fuck off . How rude .

CuriousCatfish · 26/10/2022 16:54

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 16:52

Everyone , men and woman need boundaries and if they are being rude , disrespectful, and inconsiderate to their husband or wife , they need to be checked and put in their place , else the marriage becomes unfair and unhappy . I believe this man’s wife is being disrespectful and rude and he needs the confidence to express his thoughts and feelings ( in a kind way ) to her . That’s my opinion! Like it or not , but I don’t like the fact you think you have the right to tell me to Fuck off . How rude .

Good job you are not married to me then. You would get a swift fuck off if you tried to put me in my place.

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 17:02

Good job !

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 17:08

CuriousCatfish - I can imagine if anyone disrespected you or was rude to you, or even just had a difference of opinion to you , you would certainly put them in their place ! But not in a kind way of course .

AryaStarkWolf · 26/10/2022 17:10

Ydkiml · 26/10/2022 17:08

CuriousCatfish - I can imagine if anyone disrespected you or was rude to you, or even just had a difference of opinion to you , you would certainly put them in their place ! But not in a kind way of course .

Can you be "kindly" put in your place? 😂

AnApparitionQuipped · 26/10/2022 17:18

OP, can I ask, what sort of relationship do you have generally? What attracted you to your wife when you met?