To say no to giving lifts

[Floating101]

New member of staff recently started who lives relatively close to me. One of the bosses told her to ask me about lifts and ask for my phone number! She doesn't drive, has to cycle to the station. I really don't want the responsibility and commitment of getting someone else to/from work. I'm often nipping here and there straight from work and then there's timings as well, I tend to be in early/out early. I don't mind the odd one off if she's stuck but really don't want it to be regular. I've said this (awkward conversation) but it came up again recently about the winter, how dark/cold it will be so I think she will ask again.

Am I being unreasonable to stick to my guns and say no? I feel a pang of guilt about it but she must have known the commute would be a pain when taking the job.

I don’t drive and always travelled by public transport.

my responsibility to make sure I could get to work - nobody else’s.

She knew what the commute would be like when she accepted the job. Don’t back down, she’s not your responsibility.

I am 100% with you, an old boss of mine who I got on with in work but wouldn't have been friends with outside of work, lost his sight in one eye due to a detached retina and couldn't drive so I gave him a couple of lifts into work as although I didn't go past his house I change my route in a couple of times to pick him up to be kind and polite.

It started with a couple of times and then went on to him messaging every Sunday night asking for lifts for the week to and from work...he offered petrol money and was really grateful but I'm a bit of a socially anxious person (you wouldn't know if you met me) and I began to dread the car journey into work, finding things to talk about, holding small talk etc plus after work I liked to pop to the supermarket etc and didn't ever feel very talky so found it exhausting. I did it for a while and felt like I'd lost my independence a bit as I ended up dropping him home then going to the supermarket which added onto my evening. In the end I made up some elaborate lie about having to take my nephew to nursery in opposite direction, I felt bad but honestly was a weight off me and I got my freedom back. As it happens he got his licence back eventually.

Where I first worked I would walk to a bus stop that I knew a work colleague passed. Sometimes she stopped, sometimes she clearly saw me. Another job a colleague pasted my house to get home so offered me a lift home, she only worked afternoons. I would probably offer 2 days a week, if the person walked to your house.

Seriously I'm speaking from experience don't start down this road.
We do hybrid working so I'm in the office 2 or 3 days a week and a colleague lives near me and started asking me to pick her up and take her home.
Its now turned into a "thing" she expects me to arrange my days in the office to suit which days she prefers, I like to start work early to avoid traffic and if I start early I can finish early but apparently my early starts don't suit her (she has no DC just struggles to get out of bed) 🙄
If she has a late meeting she expects me to stay at work and wait for her.
We don't live rurally, we're 3 miles away from the office on a regular bus route.
I've started to put my foot down as my DC have flown the nest and sometimes I like to go for a wander in town after work.
I really wish I hadn't started giving lifts, it would have been easier to say no at the beginning.
If I were you I'd say " I'm sorry but I have family commitments so I can't give you lifts" don't explain, don't elaborate, just be firm that you can't do it.

Say no. I don't drive and would never ever expect a colleague to take me to work and back!

I understand completely not wanting the commitment or responsibility and also needing the commute as a bit of 'me' time.

I guess there could be some scenarios where it would be nice to offer a lift (for example, if there are planned rail strikes it would be nice to offer to take her?)

Why should a colleague stop if she sees you at the bus stop? She’s not the bus!

I notice you think OP should offer a couple of lifts….because you yourself get lifts off colleagues.

I’d strongly advise against OP offering a lift if the colleague walks to OP’s house. We all know how that’s going to turn out: she’ll be late, or when it’s raining she’ll want to be picked up from her own house “because otherwise what’s the point”.

No, not your issue.

No don’t do it! It is easier to say no now then it would be to go back on an arrangement further down the line. It was very tactless for it to have been suggested, I’d like to think I would make a comment to the person who did that (but realistically I probably wouldn’t!). The person accepted the job knowing the commute and therefore should be prepared to do it.

Don't start anything because it will never end. If they ask again say, no thanks because I like being flexible running errands, but don't mind in an emergency. Leave it at that. I would never apply for a job, I couldn't get to. I've caught trains/traims/buses and taxes to work before I passed my test. If someone offered a one off lift, because of torrential rain, I was grateful but never expected it.

I have both given lifts, and been incredibly grateful to colleagues for giving me lifts in the past.
I would pick up neighbours/ colleagues if I saw them waiting at a bus stop.
One colleague helped me out for close to a week when I had a short term disruption to my normal method of transport.
Spontaneous action, and arrangements for a brief gap in transport are very different from a regular commitment to get another adult to and from work.
The only regular lift giving arrangement that I know of which worked was by a colleague who picked up 3 others and charged them an amount similar to bus fare, so she actually made a profit. ( maybe invalidating her car insurance now I think about it). She was willing to put herself out due to this. I can’t remember what happened regarding holidays.

"No that doesn't work for me, sorry"

She's not your responsibility, she knew the commute when she took on the job.

YANBU.

My DH works and is friends with our neighbour. Even they don't car share because they both want to leave at different times in the morning and have different things to do after work. They will help each other out in an emergency (like when neighbours car broke down etc). But it's not the default.

I’d invent an elderly relative that you go and see early and after work and a gym membership.
I think it’s nice if the weather is terrible and you say ‘oh I’m going straight in today you like a lift’ and do it the odd time.

im always happy to give lifts but they need to be on my timetable.

Say no. If it was one-off situation, like her car is in the garage and she needs a lift for a week or two, then it's OK, but all the time? Heck no. Your hands are tied and so are hers- you're off sick and she's stuck at home/needs to organise last minute commute etc.

Nope. I wouldn't offer. If you start, you'll find it harder to stop. Your colleague is responsible for themselves.

No, you need to be clear and with a reason that is obvious the answer is no for today and everyday going forward.

I made the mistake of giving a lift once. I kid you not, he picked his nose in my car and flicked it on the floor 🤢

after that, EVERY night I would get a text asking if there was any chance of a lift in the morning, with a variety of reasons. I always said no. After a couple of weeks I told him straight to stop asking me as it made me uncomfortable.

My commute is my only downtime some days. No bloody well.

But there is still an expectation that you have to text her the night before.

I couldn’t do it!

An occasional lift is fine but not as a regular commitment

Not your responsibility ,and your manager is cheeky to suggest it! I would ignore atm .If it comes up again ,just say you dont want the responsibility ,and have different plans most nights .Yes its PITA getting wet ,and going home in the wet and cold ,however she could learn to drive herself!

If the boss wants her to travel by car, he either needs to pay for an uber, or pay for her to sort herself out to drive.

Definitely YANBU

Thanks for all the replies, really pleased it's pretty much 100% IANBU. I need to be assertive and stick to it. I do feel like saying something to the boss who suggested it in the first place but I know I'll just get a shoulder shrug and 'well you live near though don't you' response

🤭

If you feel able to then say “yes I do live near colleague but it’s my choice whether I give her a lift. Please don’t suggest it again.”