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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so embarrassed and terrible

65 replies

crostina1 · 26/10/2022 01:23

I currently work at a hotel front desk. Around 2pm a man came in, there was me and a young girl both working at the front desk. When he approached the desk to me it appeared he was looking at and addressing my colleague. He asked a question and as he didn’t appear to be looking at me but my colleague, I ignored him but then my colleague didn’t answer. I look over at my colleague to see she was just doing our admin checklist and was obviously busy. The man then said “Hey! I’m talking to you. I’m hardly going to be talking to her when she’s busy and you’re doing nothing am I?” I acknowledged him and he then seemed upset that I had ignored him. I froze for a second out of confusion as he still appeared to be ‘looking at’ my colleague and then I apologised, and asked what I could help him with, but I think I had upset him.

He then actually addresses my colleague and said “Is my left eye drifting? I’m disabled, I have a form of paralysis and my eye does that, that’s probably why she ignored me.” My colleague then offered to help him out with whatever he needed. I obviously seemed uncomfortable (because I was feeling guilty) and whilst she was checking him in he looked at me and apologised and said I weren’t to know. Then I resoonded “Oh no, I’m sorry.” as I felt it was my fault and this seemed to irk him again as he sort of rolled his eyes and stopped talking to me, and now I feel I may have come across as patronising.

I feel like I was completely rude and useless.

OP posts:
onlylarkin · 26/10/2022 01:28

I think we all feel this way at time. We are human and make mistakes. I would tell myself that it is highly likely I will never see this person again and force myself to move on.

Original poster
crostina1 · 26/10/2022 01:33

I suppose it’s weighing on me especially as well as I was planning on going back to uni to retrain to work with disabled individuals (occupational therapy) and now I’m reconsidering as I feel I’d be fucking useless at it

OP posts:
onlylarkin · 26/10/2022 01:35

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't know. And even if you were trained, you may still not have known without being told! What happened is in no way a reflection on you or your abilities.

MintJulia · 26/10/2022 01:37

OP, if he said “Hey! I’m talking to you. I’m hardly going to be talking to her when she’s busy and you’re doing nothing am I?” then he's just plain rude, so stop feeling guilty.

'Hey, I'm talking to you" is not the correct way to address anyone, I don't care what his eyes were doing.

Floydthebarber · 26/10/2022 01:40

MintJulia · 26/10/2022 01:37

OP, if he said “Hey! I’m talking to you. I’m hardly going to be talking to her when she’s busy and you’re doing nothing am I?” then he's just plain rude, so stop feeling guilty.

'Hey, I'm talking to you" is not the correct way to address anyone, I don't care what his eyes were doing.

Yes, I would hazard a guess that disability or bot, he's just a bit of a dick.

MarshaMelrose · 26/10/2022 01:41

I used to work with a woman who had a false eye. Sometimes when she spoke it seemed as if she was looking over my shoulder and I was never sure if she was speaking to me or someone else. She was the loveliest woman and I wouldn't have offended her for the world but I did find it awkward.
No one means to be rude in those situations but sometimes misunderstandings happen.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/10/2022 02:05

I definitely wouldn't let it affect you choosing occupational therapy. You haven't even trained yet and the fact that you care that you may have upset him says you would be up to the job. It was a very genuine mistake that even an experienced person working in the area of disability could make. Let it go and continue your plans.

thewolfandthesheep · 26/10/2022 02:51

You can do this. Get your degree. Usually people with this specific disability are very kind and apologetic about it as they know that people who meet them for the first time do not know. Or they make a joke of it. It's the first time ever that I see this kind of behaviour displayed. He must have been tired, and it might be a new condition were he is not coping well. Sorry OP.

AliceAbsolum · 26/10/2022 03:00

You're being extremely hard on yourself. I'd have reacted the same in that situation and I work with people with disabilities.

99redballoonsgobyy · 26/10/2022 03:22

Don't be so hard on yourself and he was very rude, he obviously knew his eye was drifting and could be mistook by people that he's looking elsewhere and not addressing them. please don't let this put you off your uni course. I must admit I do hate talking to people who are wearing sunglasses as I hate not being able to see someone's eyes as eye contact during conversation is very important and a normal part of human interaction so it was only natural you thought he wasn't talking to you. Don't let this one little incident take your confidence, I think the majority of people would've acted the same as you.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 26/10/2022 03:24

He was rude. Disabled people can be rude too. Don't feel bad. You weren't to know. He realised what happened. Probably happens to him a lot which is crappie for him also doesn't excuse rude behaviour on his part

jennyofthenorth · 26/10/2022 03:30

opps! you didnt know and you apologized when you figured out you made a mistake, thats all you can do. Just plan what you could do different next time and let it go

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/10/2022 03:46

In this situation...

Who knew that the man might appear to be looking at one person but in fact be speaking to another:

Was it A/ You?

Was it B/ Him?

....

He was rude, who knows why, people are rude sometimes - and some people think other people should automatically have all of the information about a situation, and all of the solutions, all of the time.

Those people are arseholes.

Sometimes they're also disabled.

You can't know everything, about everyone - he had VERY specific info about himself which you didn't know and could not know. He shouted at you and was rude. You were polite and apologetic.

Thats it, if he continued to be a twat, thats on him not you - it is normal for people to feel uncomfortable and a bit horrible and embarrassed in this situation but you really shouldn't here!

If you want to go into OT, go for it - but keep in mind, some people will be dicks - disability does not remove the ability to be a dick!

DaughterofDawn · 26/10/2022 03:50

It’s not your fault. I run into similar situations everyday as I have tourette’s. A lot of people think I am sneezing or coughing when I am just doing a tick. It just gets kind of old because I literally do it everyday and eventually just get tired of explaining myself and move on. I think some people feel like shit about it but they shouldn’t. My feelings aren’t hurt. I’ve had it since I was four. It’s just the conversation is stale. I no longer have the emotional bandwidth to explain this to them as awful as it sounds. I just want to go about my business and think about it as little as possible. That guy probably feels the same way about his drifting eye.

DaughterofDawn · 26/10/2022 03:55

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/10/2022 03:46

In this situation...

Who knew that the man might appear to be looking at one person but in fact be speaking to another:

Was it A/ You?

Was it B/ Him?

....

He was rude, who knows why, people are rude sometimes - and some people think other people should automatically have all of the information about a situation, and all of the solutions, all of the time.

Those people are arseholes.

Sometimes they're also disabled.

You can't know everything, about everyone - he had VERY specific info about himself which you didn't know and could not know. He shouted at you and was rude. You were polite and apologetic.

Thats it, if he continued to be a twat, thats on him not you - it is normal for people to feel uncomfortable and a bit horrible and embarrassed in this situation but you really shouldn't here!

If you want to go into OT, go for it - but keep in mind, some people will be dicks - disability does not remove the ability to be a dick!

I agree to an extent but imagine having to explain something very personal about yourself everyday for years to every single stranger you meet in public? It is exhausting. The guy could have handled it better but I can relate to his frustrations.

Fraaahnces · 26/10/2022 03:58

We had a shouty maths teacher at school who had goggly, wandery eyes. He used to yell “YOU! Stand up!” Two hapless souls would look around at the kids near and behind them, then stand up, and the veins in his neck would bulge…. But did he learn? NO! “Not you, YOU! “ and he’d nod, but still we’d be none the wiser. We ended up all going to the vice principal and saying how stressed out we all were by this and how stressed out he obviously was. He had early long-service leave.

DaughterofDawn · 26/10/2022 04:05

crostina1 · 26/10/2022 01:33

I suppose it’s weighing on me especially as well as I was planning on going back to uni to retrain to work with disabled individuals (occupational therapy) and now I’m reconsidering as I feel I’d be fucking useless at it

I mean I imagine everyone who studies this path has awkward experiences especially if it is a disability they are unfamiliar with. Do not be discouraged. You didn’t do anything wrong. Some people just don’t cope with their disabilities well and feel angry at the world and do their best to make others feel guilty about it even if the fault is not their own. Especially if it is all new to them. He is the one in the wrong here not you. Stay strong.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/10/2022 04:16

DaughterofDawn · 26/10/2022 03:55

I agree to an extent but imagine having to explain something very personal about yourself everyday for years to every single stranger you meet in public? It is exhausting. The guy could have handled it better but I can relate to his frustrations.

Show quote history

Oh yeah it gets pretty old pretty quickly:

'no I am not paralysed, yes I can stand up briefly to reach something, no I am not in a wheelchair because I am fat, no it won't get better if I pray a bit harder or have a positive mental attitude'..

But if you KNOW you have a very specific and pretty niche communication issue going on - you come up with a work-around.

'hi there blonde/brunette/curly haired/etc... lady/bloke/person - yeah sorry I know I look as if I am looking at your colleague but I am really talking to you, funny eye thing, don't worry about it it is a bit odd'..

Lifes full of tiring tedious things when you're disabled, it still doesn't give you a pass to be a dick to other people about it, thats a great way to get people avoiding obviously disabled people in the long run.

DaughterofDawn · 26/10/2022 04:31

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/10/2022 04:16

Oh yeah it gets pretty old pretty quickly:

'no I am not paralysed, yes I can stand up briefly to reach something, no I am not in a wheelchair because I am fat, no it won't get better if I pray a bit harder or have a positive mental attitude'..

But if you KNOW you have a very specific and pretty niche communication issue going on - you come up with a work-around.

'hi there blonde/brunette/curly haired/etc... lady/bloke/person - yeah sorry I know I look as if I am looking at your colleague but I am really talking to you, funny eye thing, don't worry about it it is a bit odd'..

Lifes full of tiring tedious things when you're disabled, it still doesn't give you a pass to be a dick to other people about it, thats a great way to get people avoiding obviously disabled people in the long run.

Show quote history

You’re right. Sorry I guess it sounded a bit like I was saying he wasn’t in the wrong. He was very unkind to OP and his disability is not an excuse for his behaviour. I guess I was just painting it from his point of view. But it came off the wrong way. I always say your disability/illness/trauma can help others understand it but it’s never an excuse or a free pass for unkind behaviour and I live by that as someone who also has PTSD.

Cantstandbullshit · 26/10/2022 05:40

crostina1 · 26/10/2022 01:33

I suppose it’s weighing on me especially as well as I was planning on going back to uni to retrain to work with disabled individuals (occupational therapy) and now I’m reconsidering as I feel I’d be fucking useless at it

You’re really going to let one encounter change your whole future and career aspirations?

AgentJohnson · 26/10/2022 06:05

This man was rude, being rude and disabled aren’t mutually exclusive.

Your catastrophising and ‘freezing’ is a concern. You are in a customer facing role, people are unfortunately going to be rude and sometimes aggressive. Is this your natural response in challenging situations? If it is, then this is something that you will need to work on as it will negatively impact you and your future career ambitions if you don’t.

Let this experience be a catalyst for change and not an excuse to hide.

TheFuckingDogs · 26/10/2022 06:25

I was once at a spa and had quite a bad cold/lost voice (before covid this seemed so much more acceptable!)

the therapist sounded like she also had a cold/voice gone and several times I twittered away about how we both had the same thing. She continued to give me instructions and I whittered on about the rubbish cold and how we could barely speak.
eventually she snapped at me that she didn’t have a bloody cold she had a speech impediment 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

ItsNotReallyChaos · 26/10/2022 06:32

You're being a bit ridiculous to say you're going to change your career plan due to this one incident. Are you really?

You made a mistake. Everyone gets it wrong from time to time.

I'd work on the issue with freezing as you will be faced with lots of awkward situations whatever you do job wise if you're dealing with people at all.

jennakong · 26/10/2022 06:38

crostina1 · 26/10/2022 01:23

I currently work at a hotel front desk. Around 2pm a man came in, there was me and a young girl both working at the front desk. When he approached the desk to me it appeared he was looking at and addressing my colleague. He asked a question and as he didn’t appear to be looking at me but my colleague, I ignored him but then my colleague didn’t answer. I look over at my colleague to see she was just doing our admin checklist and was obviously busy. The man then said “Hey! I’m talking to you. I’m hardly going to be talking to her when she’s busy and you’re doing nothing am I?” I acknowledged him and he then seemed upset that I had ignored him. I froze for a second out of confusion as he still appeared to be ‘looking at’ my colleague and then I apologised, and asked what I could help him with, but I think I had upset him.

He then actually addresses my colleague and said “Is my left eye drifting? I’m disabled, I have a form of paralysis and my eye does that, that’s probably why she ignored me.” My colleague then offered to help him out with whatever he needed. I obviously seemed uncomfortable (because I was feeling guilty) and whilst she was checking him in he looked at me and apologised and said I weren’t to know. Then I resoonded “Oh no, I’m sorry.” as I felt it was my fault and this seemed to irk him again as he sort of rolled his eyes and stopped talking to me, and now I feel I may have come across as patronising.

I feel like I was completely rude and useless.

I don't think you were rude at all, rudeness is a deliberate thing. It was a misunderstanding and he sounded rude and ungracious imo. He must be used this scenario, maybe he is just fed up with it, but that's still no excuse for talking to you in the way he did. Disabled people, like elderly people or anyone else, can be pleasant or unpleasant. Don't let it ruin your peace of mind, OP.

Jayne542 · 26/10/2022 06:41

What a cock. I wouldn't give it or him a second thought. He was downright rude.

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