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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel so embarrassed and terrible

65 replies

crostina1 · 26/10/2022 01:23

I currently work at a hotel front desk. Around 2pm a man came in, there was me and a young girl both working at the front desk. When he approached the desk to me it appeared he was looking at and addressing my colleague. He asked a question and as he didn’t appear to be looking at me but my colleague, I ignored him but then my colleague didn’t answer. I look over at my colleague to see she was just doing our admin checklist and was obviously busy. The man then said “Hey! I’m talking to you. I’m hardly going to be talking to her when she’s busy and you’re doing nothing am I?” I acknowledged him and he then seemed upset that I had ignored him. I froze for a second out of confusion as he still appeared to be ‘looking at’ my colleague and then I apologised, and asked what I could help him with, but I think I had upset him.

He then actually addresses my colleague and said “Is my left eye drifting? I’m disabled, I have a form of paralysis and my eye does that, that’s probably why she ignored me.” My colleague then offered to help him out with whatever he needed. I obviously seemed uncomfortable (because I was feeling guilty) and whilst she was checking him in he looked at me and apologised and said I weren’t to know. Then I resoonded “Oh no, I’m sorry.” as I felt it was my fault and this seemed to irk him again as he sort of rolled his eyes and stopped talking to me, and now I feel I may have come across as patronising.

I feel like I was completely rude and useless.

OP posts:

Bournetilly · 26/10/2022 06:43

I wouldn’t feel guilty. He sounds extremely rude!

Untitledsquatboulder · 26/10/2022 06:43

As your colleague was busy and you were not it is strange that you didn't at least ask if you could help him when he approached the desk. I can think of a number of reasons why people may not be able to make eye contact, you must come across this regularly in your job, so am surprised that you've not come up with a strategy to deal with it.

musingsinmidlife · 26/10/2022 06:48

Life with a disability gets frustrating.

He would like to be able to walk into a hotel desk and have someone respond when he speaks up. That is what would happen when most people approach a desk with two customer service people but because of his disability - he just got silence.

He saw one person was busy and one person wasn't and yet neither answered him. His response was rude but I get his frustration. Now he has to explain his disability and apologize for his frustration when he should have been able to receive the same customer service as anyone else.

I have a family member in a wheelchair and the expectation is that we will always be patient and accommodating and accept not being able to access places or not get the same services and it gets frustrating. Recently we went to a coffee shop that had tables outside and they were blocking the ramp for wheelchairs to get onto the sidewalk so we couldn't access the shop. It was frustrating for my family member and she said somewhat sharply to the coffee shop waiter that they really shouldn't block the entrance. I am sure he thought she was rude and she knows the expectation is that she apologizes for being sharp but always being treated differently gets frustrating after awhile.

Muu · 26/10/2022 06:53

You’re not perfect op, nobody is. it was an honest mistake. Yes it’s embarrassing but it doesn’t sound like anything bad happened.

if anything it sounds like he was a bit rude.

SmileyClare · 26/10/2022 07:26

Disabled people are not a homogenous group; some are rude, some are lovely, some have Off days- just like anyone else. See the person not the disability.

A person with a disability doesn't necessarily want you to feel sorry for them.

Some work experience would be ideal in the area you want to train in. You will need a thicker skin and some resilience! X

irrrannuu · 26/10/2022 07:53

It doesn't sound like you were the problem here. He was frustrated with his situation and took it out on you.

Slightly different but I'll share as it might make you feel a bit better. I remember years ago, seeing a man with a strange metal triangular hat on his head drinking coffee in Pret. I kept staring at him and I even said to my friend 'look at that mans hat, do you think he's in a cult or something?' I remember being totally baffled as to why he was wearing it and I definitely made the poor man feel uncomfortable. I later realised that he had had some kind of brain surgery, head injury and it was a special metal support that he would have had to wear while he heals. Not something he was wearing out of choice. I still feel shit about that.

SmileyClare · 26/10/2022 07:53

I'm trying to imagine how this unfolded. Presumably you both sit at a front desk so a guest will stand in front of the receptionist he is addressing?

As others have said, don't let this knock your confidence. Working in hospitality, you must have encountered your fair share of rude or difficult guests?

I do think you should address your second thoughts on your chosen career. You'll face challenges along the way so need to be certain before committing to a university course.

Taillighttoobright · 26/10/2022 08:05

Oh, God, overplaying things like this is my specialty, OP, and you need more exposure to these situations and to engage your sense of humour at them. I think you'll be a brilliant employee precisely because you overthink but you need to also keep a rein on it.

SalmonEile · 26/10/2022 08:05

Ugh I had this sort of thing once ,
I was working in an office where I had my back to the open door and I tended to ignore any people coming and going behind me because well, there were always people coming and going behind me. Plus my role wasn’t customer facing it was usually just other staff going in and out to talk to some of the other people in the office or people in the office across the corridor

So on this day I hear someone quietly say excuse me a couple of times so I turned around there’s a lost woman standing in the door way , I was caught off guard so I kinda looked over at my colleague who’s desk is adjacent to the door
colleague makes some comment like “oh were you asleep or something?”
we get the lady sorted and i say to my colleague oh I thought she was talking to you and my colleague smugly says “she couldn’t see me”
I wanted to say “well I don’t have eyes in the back of my head and have to tune out the incessant noise “ but I didn’t
I felt so small and shit tho

Jaybird43 · 26/10/2022 08:06

@crostina1 i really wouldn’t worry - it was an honest mistake and you apologised - he just sounded stressed. Honestly, don’t overthink it 💐

RFPO77 · 26/10/2022 08:08

Tbh I think he was being a bit of a twat here and trying to make you feel bad (for his own odd reasons). He knew full well the disability he has and the effects it has. He knew why you ignored him and decided to try and show you up. No wonder you felt uncomfortable, forget him and move on with your plans to retrain, don't let a wierd stranger shake your confidence xx

Sushi7 · 26/10/2022 08:09

OP, the man was rude. He knows his eye drifts. I never know where to look if someone with a lazy eye is talking to me. Maybe you could look into being an OT support worker before applying for an OT degree? Just to see if you enjoy it and can face the challenges.

AngelinaFibres · 26/10/2022 08:10

MarshaMelrose · 26/10/2022 01:41

I used to work with a woman who had a false eye. Sometimes when she spoke it seemed as if she was looking over my shoulder and I was never sure if she was speaking to me or someone else. She was the loveliest woman and I wouldn't have offended her for the world but I did find it awkward.
No one means to be rude in those situations but sometimes misunderstandings happen.

My BIL has a problem that causes both his eyes to go in opposite directions. He has had it all his life so none of his siblings mentioned it to me. He was talking to me at a large family funeral.I had no idea initially as neither of his eyes were actually looking in my direction

itsgettingweird · 26/10/2022 08:11

Don't feel awful.

My ds is autistic and looks over people shoulders and doesn't give eye contact.

I've always told him that's fine as he can't do something he can't - but he also has to accept that people he's addressing may not realise he's addressing them and he cannot be rude about that.

Vapeyvapevape · 26/10/2022 08:16

it happens to the best of us , I once asked someone 'how are you on your feet?' Only to look down and realise they only had one foot.
Don't let this one incident put you off from studying.

dancinfeet · 26/10/2022 08:19

He was rude. Who goes up to a reception desk and starts speaking without waiting for someone behind the desk to ask how they may help? He could see that your colleague was busy and had no right to presume you were not, the way he spoke to you was rude.

TheCurseOfBoris · 26/10/2022 08:19

I went to school with a girl like that. Even knowing about her condition did nothing to ease the situation. If there are other people present, you're always going to wonder if they're talking to someone else.
OP, don't worry about it. He must have this all the time and got a bit fed up.

OoooohMatron · 26/10/2022 08:21

He's a rude bastard. Disabled people can also be twats you know.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 26/10/2022 08:28

Don’t beat yourself up.
He has a known condition, he must know how it affects him and other people so you’d have thought he would have developed some strategies to deal with this that didn’t include being rude. That’s something an OT might be able to help him with…..
Go ahead with your degree, I think there’s a shortage of OTs and they’re a valuable resource.

Afterfire · 26/10/2022 08:29

I’m disabled and have eye issues - amongst other things - and I actually find this quite funny 🙈🫣 I’m probably a terrible person but honestly this isn’t the end of the world. He was rude. How are you to know he was talking to you if his eye was having a little day trip? I would have made a joke out of it.

Forget about it and move on. 💐

marmaladepop · 26/10/2022 08:29

What a rude individual, disability or not. I work in a small business and my mottos are "you can't please all the people all the time" and "the customer ice NOT always right". Good luck with your career.

Bunsandtophats · 26/10/2022 08:34

Actually the fact that you feel the way you did about this shows just how much you care about people so you are highly likely to be the right sort of person to do this type of work imo.

diddl · 26/10/2022 08:34

It does sound as if he was rude, but unless your colleague was right next to you & also chipping in I would have thought that it was obvious he was talking to you.

PanettoneMoly · 26/10/2022 08:40

I have a (very) lazy eye which drifts substantially (enough to stop me from driving as it affects my depth perception) and have had this occasionally, where colleagues have dithered because they’re not entirely sure which one I’m chatting to.

To be fair to them, each eye is looking at a different person so no wonder they’re confused but it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and I certainly wouldn’t be rude to anyone. It’s 10x more socially awkward for the person or people on the end of my diverging glance than it is for me so why would I make it even harder for them.

CRbear · 26/10/2022 08:40

I used to have a lazy eye and the fear of someone not recognising I was looking at them was real. There isn’t a good way to tell someone yes I am looking at you. He was rude - no excuses- but if you could try and see his side it might help you feel better about it. It’s never ending for him.

Regarding those who have said they find it awkward and never know where to look at people with false eyes / lazy eyes - get a grip. You look at their eyes- doesn’t matter where their eyes are looking.. Look at their nose if you can’t manage that. What other disability would you say “I didn’t know where to look” about?!

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