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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does anyone genuinely walk into a room of strangers and feel no fear?

158 replies

elprup · 25/10/2022 18:18

Anyone? I wouldn’t say I have social anxiety, but the thought of walking into a room full of strangers and having to make small talk would make me nervous. Curious to know whether this is normal or if it does mean I have some sort of anxiety around people?

OP posts:
Lizthelettuce · 25/10/2022 21:47

elprup · 25/10/2022 21:24

I worry about being judged because I’ve recently moved to a new area and am yet to make friends. I worry I won’t make any!

I’m reasonably good at making friends and my tips would be:

  • Don’t go on a mission to make friends. It can make you feel and seem desperate. I have tried to be obviously befriended by somebody and it put me right off. My train of thought went something like: “why is this person so desperate for a friend? hasn’t she got any? Why not? If I’m her only friend she might be clingy. I don’t really know if I like her, I don’t want to get stuck with her, better keep her at arm’s length”

  • Look approachable. Smile at people, comment about the weather, take any spontaneous opportunities to offer help.

*Once faces start seeming familiar, perhaps after 2 or 3 meetings, strike up conversation about the thing you are doing. Ask them about themselves in a casual way (have you come far? how long have you been coming? can you recommend a nice chinese takeaway round here” sort of stuff.

  • Keep having these sorts of casual conversation with a few different people, some contacts will just stay acquaintances (still nice to have) but others will develop into friendships, especially if you have things in common.
Ragwort · 25/10/2022 21:48

I don't worry about people judging me ... if they don't like me - they don't like me. I don't want or need to be friends with 'everyone'. I have moved a lot and am confident that I can always find friends and people I will have things in common with. But I absolutely accept that some people won't like me or want to be friends with me ... but that's life.

hamstersarse · 25/10/2022 21:49

I enjoy meeting new people and don’t feel especially nervous. I probably concentrate more so am more alert, but it’s not anxiety.

Those on the thread who are nervous, people aren’t judging, but they are hoping to engage people in conversation. It is a 2 way thing. I have always said to my boys they must have “something to say for themselves at a party”. Small talk and social interaction takes some effort.

Lizthelettuce · 25/10/2022 21:49

elprup · 25/10/2022 21:46

Another question - if you speak to someone who is very obviously a little nervous at a party or other event, do you judge them for that?

No, but I recommend a large gin and tonic before turning up alone to a party!

This is why we Brits drink! We need social lubrication 😂

FuglyBitch · 25/10/2022 21:51

No anxiety at all with it

Bettyboop3 · 25/10/2022 21:52

stealthsquirrelnutkin · 25/10/2022 18:28

Happy to walk into a room full of strangers, spiders or mice. Not wasps though, you'd have to pay me a lot to willingly walk into a room full of wasps, even if they were drowsy.

I would say especially if they were drowsy, they get really pissed off then!

Perfectlystill · 25/10/2022 21:52

I don't mind it at all. I love talking to people

Ragwort · 25/10/2022 21:53

I don't judge people if they are nervous, but I do judge them if they are downright rude. I moved to a new area a few years ago and walked my DS to school ... exactly the same route as someone else walking her DC to the same school. I tried to make conversation .. nothing deep, just polite chit chat but she just didn't answer me, head stuck into her phone Hmm, maybe she was nervous, maybe she didn't want to make small talk with a 'stranger' but I do think she was rude.

nonono1 · 25/10/2022 21:53

The other thing I hate - getting caught in a three way conversation where the other two strangers are getting on famously and you’re just standing there like a lemon. Seems to happen to me a lot.

Hawkins001 · 25/10/2022 21:55

Years ago, I'd be shy as anything, then after having to rebuild my perspectives and mental health, I can pretty much do it.

Tabbouleh · 25/10/2022 22:05

elprup · 25/10/2022 21:46

Another question - if you speak to someone who is very obviously a little nervous at a party or other event, do you judge them for that?

Absolutely not. Find it quite endearing. However it helps conversation if they display a little interest in you as well.

Scrumbleton · 25/10/2022 22:28

I enjoy it. I'm good at small talk and like socialising. Had to to a lot of entertaining when living abroad with my ex and it went with the territory. I try to make people feel they are interesting and or lovely ( if they are). Hate public speaking though and have to take propanol to stop my adrenaline surging and prevent me having a shaky voice. It also works really well for social anxiety if you find it debilitating.

Soproudoflionesses · 25/10/2022 22:33

Yep- me.
Talk to anyone!.
Don't ask me to speak publicly though - my biggest fear but as a one one one or a small group no problem at all

RoseAndGeranium · 25/10/2022 22:55

elprup · 25/10/2022 21:46

Another question - if you speak to someone who is very obviously a little nervous at a party or other event, do you judge them for that?

Oh my god no. I identify them as my people, do my best to make them feel comfortable, and plan to befriend. Don’t hide who you are, OP, it just makes it harder for people who would like you for you to find that out.

Calandor · 25/10/2022 23:01

Only reason I'd feel anxious would be if it was a room of all men. For obvious reasons.

Otherwise no, I don't care. They're just people.

TheLoupGarou · 25/10/2022 23:06

Doesn't bother me at all. I'm happy to talk shite with anyone

Notjustanymum · 25/10/2022 23:08

I paint on a smile, walk in with head held high, and talk to people. The fear immediately disappears and the warm and friendly me takes over.
It helps to be genuinely interested in others - but you really have to convince yourself to do it.
The odd thing is, that what starts out as “fake it ‘til you make it” soon turns into a real interest in people and (very luckily) the start of some fantastic great relationships.
Confidence really is about conning yourself into believing imo…

Chocochick · 25/10/2022 23:18

I used to be so shy and self-conscious for years, as a child and teenager and I suffered so much from it that I gradually worked on building my self-esteem to the point where a room full of strangers does not bother me at all now. However, I find small talk dull and draining so I usually just initiate a proper conversation which separates the wheat from the chaff fairly quickly and leaves me with a (very few) potential interesting people to talk to

Yika · 26/10/2022 06:59

elprup · 25/10/2022 21:46

Another question - if you speak to someone who is very obviously a little nervous at a party or other event, do you judge them for that?

No I would not judge them, as long as they made an effort to meet me half way with the conversation eg smile, respond, ask questions back!

If you typically get so nervous that your mind goes blank, I’d recommend that you pre-prepare some bland conversation starters that you can segue into after introducing yourself.

also, a small tip: if you are nervous, and don’t know people, arrive early rather than late. You can talk to the host (if it’s a hosted event) and they can introduce you to people one by I’ve as they come in. (If there’s no host you can just introduce yourself of course.) It’s more daunting to walk into a room of people already in conversation.

MavisChunch29 · 26/10/2022 07:02

Not fear exactly but sometimes I just can't be arsed to talk to anyone.

LadyHarmby · 26/10/2022 07:07

elprup · 25/10/2022 21:46

Another question - if you speak to someone who is very obviously a little nervous at a party or other event, do you judge them for that?

Definitely not. In fact, have you thought about saying ‘gosh, I’m a bit nervous, I find a room full of strangers a bit of a challenge’? It would break the ice, and give you both something to talk about and they would be nice and reassuring (and I bet some would confess they feel the same)

QuebecBagnet · 26/10/2022 07:12

Doesn’t bother me but I have to do it a lot both in my current and previous job. Either walking into a room and making small talk for hours with strangers or standing on a stage infront of hundreds of people talking. I genuinely don’t get nervous at work so guess this has helped out of work as well.

Ohuhu · 26/10/2022 07:21

I do this regularly voluntarily - I like meeting new people. Of course, If I go to an event and it's not to my taste or I'm bored, I'm not shy about making my excuses and leaving either.

Willowthecrisp · 17/04/2023 11:40

A room full of total strangers that I am expected to socialise with? Yes. But when would that ever happen? There is usually someone in a room that you vaguely know to speak to. I did go to one wedding alone once which made me nervous as I’d just split up with someone and I only really knew the bride and her family who were tied up with being in the wedding party. But the bride knew this and told a couple of friends to look out for me and within 10 minutes of arrival I had joined their group and even ended up dating one of them.

thecatsthecats · 17/04/2023 12:02

I'd rather be in a room full of strangers than in, say, an in laws family gathering.

I usually stand out in a room full of strangers as one of the most forthcoming and confident. My fellow students at university used to say I was a great seminar-buddy because I could be relied on to speak and fill awkward silences (I wished THEY would step up and chat too). In interviews, I often vibe so well with the interviewer that it distracts me from doing well at the actual questions.

I'm much quieter in established groups, for some reason.