Rat my DD out or go along with her fib (sort of lighthearted!)

[Diorama1]

So DD almost 15 was a bit upset in school last week as a boy she was sort of in a relationship with broke up with her (very innocent r/s only meeting for walks). A teacher asked if she was ok and her friend told her teacher that she just had a bit of a panic attack and she was ok. Teacher caught up with her today to check all was ok with her. For some mad reason she spun an elaborate fib to the teacher and told her that she was stressed out because me and her dad have her involved in loads of afterschool activities and she was getting no time to study for her exams (in Irish equivalent of GSCE year).
She said she spoke to us and we agreed to cut down on her activities to let her study!
Yes she does a sport most evenings, she loves it, never complains and loves meeting up with friends outside of school. She wouldn't study in a fit. She is luckily bright and pays attention is class and always gets between 80-100% in her tests. She avoids studying like the plague!

The worst part is that myself and DH filled out a school survey a few weeks ago about homework which asked if we were aware she needed to do 3.5 hrs a day and if we encouraged her to do so. We both said it was way too much and she was doing physical activities in the evening which we considered more beneficial!!!

I had a missed call from the teacher today, DD came home and asked if I spoke to the teacher as she said she would call me to check all was ok. I had a vm from the teacher advising she will call me tomorrow.
DD said please go along with it.

I am torn, I don't want to go along with the lie as its so far from the truth. DD is a great girl and never gives me an ounce of trouble, she was embarrassed to say about the boy hence the lie.

Is there a middle ground?

Sod it, one more lie won't matter.

Can't you be honest with the teacher? You've cut down activities so she had time to study but she doesn't like doing it?

Could you just keep saying ‘we’ll talk to her’ and ‘we didn’t realise’ (if it’s absolutely necessary to say something) without confirming or denying anything (except what activities she does if they actually ask).

Is she doing enough study time in the evenings? I'd go along with the "lie" and tell her that she has to reduce some of her after-school sport and study instead. That will be a bigger incentive not to lie in future, rather than embarrassing her by telling the teacher the truth.

It seems like a very odd thing for your daughter to say if there is no truth to it

You don’t seem to understand the concept of a lie

I’d not actively lie but I wouldn’t be honest either if possible

I’d let the teacher lead the conversation and try and be your best politician in replying, don’t specifically agree or disagree, unless directly asked about her story (if that makes sense)

Why would your DD make up such a lie if there was no truth to it? Why did she say she told the teacher that?

I think there is some truth to this but she's backtracking for fear of upsetting you.

I think she’s probably lying to you and told the truth when on the spot

Just listen to the teacher and do the phone equivalent of nodding your head. If it were me I’d probably say something along the lines of ;

“Yes she has a lot going on, it doesn’t help she also just broke up with a boyfriend. I suspect that’s weighing more than the studying or activities, but we’ll make sure everything (including boyfriends!) is moderated appropriately. “

In other words add context without calling her out.

The poor teacher is trying his/her best to help your daughter. Can you try to be mostly honest so that you're not wasting the teacher's time?

I would also be honest but consider that your DD is saying what she said with an element of truth to it.

Off topic but are you sure a 15 year old with a boyfriend was just going for walks if she is that upset about being dumped that a teacher noticed? I mean she managed to lie pretty convincingly to the teacher.

3.5 hours a day is ridiculous at 15.

The conversation with the teacher is an opportunity to reset all this. So far we have:

• It is exam year.
• school says she should do 3.5 hrs homework a day after school. This is clearly too much homework.
• you say she should do organised sport activities every day after school. This is clearly too much organised after-school activity.
• DD is saying to you that she’s happy with the sport and doesn’t want to study, and saying to the teacher that she’s unhappy with the sport and wants to study more.

I wouldn’t tell the teacher she lied, I don’t even think it’s that simple. I suspect DD is tired, stressed, confused about what she wants and unwilling to be blunt with either you or the teacher.

Blaming her for not wanting to study isn’t ok, no child wants to study, and as a parent part of your role is to motivate her to study. It isn’t “would you like me to reduce some fun activities so you can do homework?” It’s “This is a crucial year and you aren’t studying enough, so I have reduced/ cancelled all of your fun activities, when you start doing your homework properly, then you can have them back.”

If she’s regularly getting 80-100% in exams without doing homework then she should be getting straight top grades. It’d be a great shame if she doesn’t because you let her bunk off homework in the crucial year. It’s also possible that you and your DD are massively overconfident about her winging the exams, and she may end up with bad grades as a result.

Good luck! It’s hard I know.

Haha yes ‘just going for walks’ 🤣🤣🤣 Well what else can she say to her mum, she’s not going to say ‘my god he’s fab at oral.’

Maybe it's just me but I don't even consider this a lie, just more that she didn't tell the teacher the whole complexity of the situation, which is understandable.

You dont need to lie to the teacher. Just tell the truth, that you do place more value on sports than 3.5 hours study (I'm with you, and its reflected in the questionaire), but that your DD seemed to be coping with it OK. However she'd had a personal upset that week too, which maybe heightened everything.

No big deal, bright and breezy.

3.5 hours study an evening is absolute madness ! I'm also surprised that you believe that two 15 year olds just "went for walks "

What does your DD actually want here?
Is it different to what she thinks you and or her Teacher wants to hear?

Well I wouldn't be lying to the teacher for her

I don't understand the concept of a totally unnecessary lie, which is why I think shebwas speaking the truth to the teacher

Most lies are unnecessary

Most lies are ‘odd’

kind of how they work

I agree with this.