Rat my DD out or go along with her fib (sort of lighthearted!)

[Diorama1]

So DD almost 15 was a bit upset in school last week as a boy she was sort of in a relationship with broke up with her (very innocent r/s only meeting for walks). A teacher asked if she was ok and her friend told her teacher that she just had a bit of a panic attack and she was ok. Teacher caught up with her today to check all was ok with her. For some mad reason she spun an elaborate fib to the teacher and told her that she was stressed out because me and her dad have her involved in loads of afterschool activities and she was getting no time to study for her exams (in Irish equivalent of GSCE year).
She said she spoke to us and we agreed to cut down on her activities to let her study!
Yes she does a sport most evenings, she loves it, never complains and loves meeting up with friends outside of school. She wouldn't study in a fit. She is luckily bright and pays attention is class and always gets between 80-100% in her tests. She avoids studying like the plague!

The worst part is that myself and DH filled out a school survey a few weeks ago about homework which asked if we were aware she needed to do 3.5 hrs a day and if we encouraged her to do so. We both said it was way too much and she was doing physical activities in the evening which we considered more beneficial!!!

I had a missed call from the teacher today, DD came home and asked if I spoke to the teacher as she said she would call me to check all was ok. I had a vm from the teacher advising she will call me tomorrow.
DD said please go along with it.

I am torn, I don't want to go along with the lie as its so far from the truth. DD is a great girl and never gives me an ounce of trouble, she was embarrassed to say about the boy hence the lie.

Is there a middle ground?

I'd be honest with the teacher rather than continue the lie.

I would also question if there is actually any truth to what she said. Could she be feeling overwhelmed but not wanting to tell you/feeling like a failure?

The middle ground is that DD contacts the teacher and explains herself.

Don't go along with the lie. The lie itself makes you look bad.

3.5 hours how did they come up with that?

I think this is possibly how your DD truly feels but she’s worried about telling you.

It’s not something you’d think of on the top of your head surely.

I would be completely honest with the teacher and say this is what she said to me and you’re not sure which one is the truth and that it’s possibly a mixture of both.

Tell your DD that if she wants you to go along with this, she had better make it come true; so she is giving up at least 50% of her activities during term time and will be spending the time doing schoolwork instead.

I'd be honest because if in March there is an issue with stress or whatever you need to have not been lying to the school now.

Just keep it simple. Say to the teacher I will speak to her. I would also stress to the teacher that you felt it important that she have a balance between school and activities. If that means dropping an activity you are quite prepared to do so. 3.5 hours a night homework is ridiculous.

3.5 hrs a day on top of a school day seems excessive to me

3.5 hours a day on top is ridiculous, I still wouldn't lie for her though

Thanks for the replies. I did ask her if there was some truth in it as it was an usual lie to make up but she said she loves her activities and was disappointed that football wasn't on last night (I told her she could study instead seeing as she was so worried about it!)

She does her homework every night which takes about 1-1.5 hrs but the school expect her to keep at it for 3.5 hrs. She doesnt get home until 4.30 and therefore even if she did nothing else she wouldn't finish until 7.30pm. She goes to bed at 9pm as she is up at 6.30am.
Her homework is always done, projects in on time, good results in class tests so I am not worried.
She does about 2 hrs study on Fri as she has a half day and we did have a conversation a few weeks ago about most of her activities finishing up for winter and her doing a bit more (maybe thats where it came from actually)

There were some good suggestions about the middle ground so thank you.

Just to add, I do have high expectations for her but I think balance is very important. My nephew is in what we call a grind school here in Ireland, very academic focused, my sister puts huge emphasis on exams, he is in leaving cert year. He is doing pre-mock exams this week and she said he is like an anti Christ he is so stressed out and worried, she said he isn't eating and is snapping at everyone. My DD and him are like two peas in a pod, exactly the same personality, I know she wouldn't handle that type of pressure. At the moment she is happy and is doing well. I do expect her to increase her studying but not 3.5 hrs on top of a nearly 8 hour day in school.

No it isn't. Lying for no reason, pathological lying is a disorder

I would not lie to my child's teacher for any reason. If this were my daughter I'd be expecting her to go back to the teacher and be honest.

3 hours homework/study a day doesn't seem excessive to me in an exam year.. if activities are getting in the way of study, they should be reduced and only introduced back if / when she feels on top of things. My DD year 9 in the UK does 2.5 hours homework/study a day..

@DeLan I've always expected her to study and that has been part of our routine at home. In her current school expect the students to do 2.5 hrs a day. She is in an independent where this time is built into her timetable with ''prep'' sessions, the school day is 8am to 6pm Mon-Fri and Sat until noon. They have an expectation of high standards and foster independent learning (crucial for GCSE and beyond). I only expect this to increase in the coming years.

Whether she studies at the weekend or not depends, she is ''self motivating'' so I personally don't insist on it or need to prompt her. If she didn't have this personal discipline, I would be insisting upon it. Whether she studies or not at the weekend really depends on the workload that week and whether she has completed what she needed to or not. She has worked during the half term, but not daily.