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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH gay friend

49 replies

Lisagreen12 · 25/10/2022 11:10

So bit of a weird one…

My partner used to work with a bloke who was gay, they’ve both left that place a while back at different times and not spoke for years. My partner has told me stories of this guy commenting and looking at his bulge while he was at work and would always try flirting with him despite my partner being straight 🙈 All well and good, before I knew him etc…

Anyways I’ve been with him 4 years and have kids together and not once has said guy messaged. Last night my partner was on night shift and got a message from said guy congratulating him for his new job, a few messages in of general conversation and then the flirting has started…(Partner told me about and showed me the messages). Said guy is flirting again calling him hot, saying he hopes I know how lucky I am to of bagged him, saying he almost bagged him himself (he didn’t), fetching up the past where he apparently got a lift home by my partner one night and offered him a b!*w Job for giving him the lift home (partner refused) and the most recent message saying he has a mental image of what my partners penis looks like 🥴 The whole time my partners saying “nah, definitely not”, “nah, nah, nah” etc so turning him down and this guys still trying…

Said guy also mentioned he starts driving at the end of the year hopefully, and would come for a catch up, then proceeded to say “don’t worry I won’t try and touch you”

My question is (as much as it’s slightly funny because he’s not gay himself), why is it still slightly bothering me? 😫 Think I’m stuck between “it’s fine he’s a bloke your not gay, yous are mates too, he just wants my partner not the other way round” or it’s no different than if a lass was trying it on with him..?

OP posts:
Midnights · 25/10/2022 11:15

I'd say it's no different to if a anyone was making the comments - it's inappropriate! Your DH needs to block him and stop talking to him imo - describing what he thought his penis would look like?! Offering a BJ for a lift? Jesus that's just so out of bounds I'm in shock.

Why did your partner reply even with "nah nah" he should have totally stopped replying, and just ignored him.

Loics · 25/10/2022 11:18

It doesn't matter that it's a man, the issue is your DH is responding at all, and not blocking him.

ilukp · 25/10/2022 11:36

It's not appropriate.
Why hasn't your partner said, look, friend, I'm not interested in you like that so can you please stop the suggestive comments.
Or just block him completely.

There's no way I would put up with anyone sending me comments like that, male or female.

takealettermsjones · 25/10/2022 11:37

If it's making your partner uncomfortable then it's sexual harassment.

yousexybugger · 25/10/2022 11:39

It's really inappropriate and actually harassing, to constantly refer to sex like that to a colleague. It's not flirting or fun. If your husband doesn't find it funny he can block or escalate.

MRSE20 · 25/10/2022 11:41

Man or Woman - it is not appropriate.

I do not think your DH should of kept replying to these messages. Your DH is straight and not interested but just feel like it’s adding fuel to the fire messaging him back after this guy mentioning blow jobs and flirting etc… I feel like if this was a woman you’d be fuming that DH replied and entertained it so to speak. I know I would be. Why hasn’t DH said he isn’t interested, leave me alone.

voiceofmarion · 25/10/2022 11:49

I do not think your DH should of kept replying to these messages. Your DH is straight and not interested but just feel like it’s adding fuel to the fire messaging him back after this guy mentioning blow jobs and flirting etc

this I think your dh enjoys it, been flattered and having his ego inflated. He shouldn't be responding.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 25/10/2022 11:51

Does your husband enjoy the attention? Why hasn't he blocked him?

The comments themselves wouldn't bother me, but your DH continuing to be in contact with someone, regardless of sex, sexually harassing him would annoy me.

Mage2 · 25/10/2022 12:01

Man or woman its not appropriate. Why hasn’t your DH blocked him and stop talking to him.

Georgeskitchen · 25/10/2022 12:15

If this was a man sending unsolicited sexual messages to a woman it would be construed as sexual harassment. No different for a gay person. Maybe your DH is actually getting off on this and that why he hasn't blocked him

YellowTreeHouse · 25/10/2022 12:17

It’s bothering you because your DH isn’t dealing with it. He isn’t turning him down; he’s allowing it to continue because he likes the attention.

The problem is your DH, not the “friend”.

Ekátn · 25/10/2022 12:19

Your husbands sexuality and the fact that he isn’t interested really isn’t the point. If a straight man was messaging a lesbian (so would have no interest) it wouldn’t be ok.

I can’t believe your husband hasn’t shut him down and blocked him.

anyone messaging this kind of thing to anyone who is clearly uninterested is creepy as fuck.

Arayes · 25/10/2022 12:26

takealettermsjones · 25/10/2022 11:37

If it's making your partner uncomfortable then it's sexual harassment.

If he's answering the messages and hasn't blocked him, its flirting, and its mutual!!

If I got messages like that I'd tell the person to fuck off and block them immediately. Anyone would. If you don't, then you are a willing participant in the conversation.

jtaeapa · 25/10/2022 12:39

It's sexual harassment.

Need to phase the guy out.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2022 12:54

Your partner needs to block him.

Hobbesmanc · 25/10/2022 12:58

It's really disrespectful and needs to be stopped. Bloody hell who wants that kind of unwanted harassment

ISpyNoPlumPie · 25/10/2022 13:00

What would your husband think/say if you were getting those kind of messages from a "friend"? He needs to block, I'd ask him why he hasn't.

Unseelie · 25/10/2022 13:03

What a creep. That’s sexual harassment, who the hell does this guy think he is?

He’s clearly trying to fuck your DH, so DH should tell him he doesn’t want to stay in touch, and block him asap. DH is probably unsure how to deal with this and trying to pretend he doesn’t care, but staying in contact after the things that have been said is giving this creep hope.

Can only imagine how minging this guy must be to sexually harass a work colleague then restart it when the victim is married with children.

If it continues after he’s blocked then report to police as stalking.

Shakirasma · 25/10/2022 13:13

Why hasn't your DH completely shut him down?

butterfliedtwo · 25/10/2022 13:17

Your DH is engaging. Your problem is him.

Atmywitsend29 · 25/10/2022 13:19

Lecherous, sex pest behaviour. No matter what sex or sexuality someone is. 🙅

If I were your DH, I'd be hitting that block button so hard.

Dacadactyl · 25/10/2022 13:23

Gross.

What is wrong with your boyfriend? If a bloke was texting that stuff to my husband he'd have stopped him dead in his tracks.

If a woman was texting that to my husband hed have put a stop to it too.

Brigante9 · 25/10/2022 13:41

Euw, sexual harassment regardless of sex. Tell your Dh to block him, the ‘friend’ is being extremely inappropriate. After 4 years of nothing, there is no reason for him to be back in touch. In your DH’s shoes, I’d be happy to be rid.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2022 14:06

It's very inappropriate and disrespectful and I wouldn't be happy about that either, your DH needs to block the perv

Arayes · 25/10/2022 14:14

Hobbesmanc · 25/10/2022 12:58

It's really disrespectful and needs to be stopped. Bloody hell who wants that kind of unwanted harassment

OP's husband, apparently.