DH gay friend

[Lisagreen12]

So bit of a weird one…

My partner used to work with a bloke who was gay, they’ve both left that place a while back at different times and not spoke for years. My partner has told me stories of this guy commenting and looking at his bulge while he was at work and would always try flirting with him despite my partner being straight 🙈 All well and good, before I knew him etc…

Anyways I’ve been with him 4 years and have kids together and not once has said guy messaged. Last night my partner was on night shift and got a message from said guy congratulating him for his new job, a few messages in of general conversation and then the flirting has started…(Partner told me about and showed me the messages). Said guy is flirting again calling him hot, saying he hopes I know how lucky I am to of bagged him, saying he almost bagged him himself (he didn’t), fetching up the past where he apparently got a lift home by my partner one night and offered him a b!*w Job for giving him the lift home (partner refused) and the most recent message saying he has a mental image of what my partners penis looks like 🥴 The whole time my partners saying “nah, definitely not”, “nah, nah, nah” etc so turning him down and this guys still trying…

Said guy also mentioned he starts driving at the end of the year hopefully, and would come for a catch up, then proceeded to say “don’t worry I won’t try and touch you”

My question is (as much as it’s slightly funny because he’s not gay himself), why is it still slightly bothering me? 😫 Think I’m stuck between “it’s fine he’s a bloke your not gay, yous are mates too, he just wants my partner not the other way round” or it’s no different than if a lass was trying it on with him..?

It's sexual harassment and your dh needs to shut him down.

Yeah, regardless of anyone’s sexual orientation or someone’s sexual interest in another person, no one has the right to harass in this way.
Your DP knows how to stop it if he wants..

Impressive amount of blaming the victim on this thread.

Oh please! there is no victim here, this is not sexual harrassment. If someone sends messages like this and you continue to engage and message back, you are willing participant in it all. There is no victim, there is no crime. There is no blame!
OP's DH, for whatever reason, has made the choice to engage with these messages. He can do that. He is not a victim of anything.

It's quite full on to offer someone a blow job for a lift. Your husband might be a bit lost/ stumped/ intimidated by saying "stop" to these unwanted advances.
Can you help him word a text to close this down?

A common myth, that victims of sexual offences always act in a certain way. This myth has been used in the past to discredit victims of sexual assault - that of contacting the perpetrator.

The fact is the husband may well be a victim of a most serious offence. Support is needed - not the victim blaming that has been the bulk of this thread.

Not sure that's really the right response. If a man was sending those messages to a woman, no way would it be acceptable to blame the woman.

Your dh appears to be enjoying the attention, and is continuing this flirtatious relationship with a man clearly attracted to him.

Why do you feel uncomfortable?
I don’t know a single straight guy that would welcome this kind of attention from a gay man. Sorry op.

It’s bothering you because your husband is being sexually harassed, even if he doesn’t recognise that that’s what it is.

He is being a flirt pest/sex pest.

Your partner should maybe ghost him.

Your dh is very willingly continuing contact and now they plan to meet up - for what possible reason?

This is not sexual harassment of any kind, it is mutual and indeed being pursued by both sides and to the outside looks like unfinished business.

Anyone coming out with a straight offer of oral sex in the car like that was definitely feeling confident enough to proposition your dh directly. The fact he had to reassure you that he turned it down is very weird.

Just to clear I would be looking my dh in the eye and asking if he has ever felt attracted to a man or had one off liaisons with one.

I wonder if your OH wants to be supportive/ inclusive and that makes him feel lost as to how to tell this guy to do one without coming across as homophobic

"This is getting a bit old, Dave...Look, I know you think it's hilarious, but any more and I'm blocking, it's not my idea of fun."
Then your DH should not respond AT ALL to anything inappropriate. Block him if it carries on.

My guess is your OH and this guy have had explicit banter whilst they worked together, it’s definitely not unusual for straight guys and gay guys to be like this. Your OH would’ve blocked if the attention was unwanted - whether male or female…

I wouldn’t pay too much notice to it, let them get on with it.

To be honest this sounds a very strange dynamic. Go be honest I'd struggle to interpret it. This person is either abusive in nature, and enjoys making men feel uncomfortable, or your husband was flattered and enjoyed such talk and so didn't shut him down, or your husband wasn't happy but was unable to adequately address the situation and so it continued.

I am sorry but I do not know of any straight guys who entertain this in the slightest. I mean gay guy would be getting decked after the 2nd comment. Your partner is going along with this for some reason...looks like your partner is bi at least op.

I'm wondering if your partner is enjoying this because the entire situation could already be ancient history. He could have block this man immediately and the issue would be done and dusted.

So, I’d view a gay man the same as a straight woman in a situation like this.
This is a person who clearly wants to fuck a married man and is flirting with sexting.
This is not a person your DH can be friends with. Being friends gives them false hope and your DH is always in an awkward ha ha thanks but no thanks position.
So he needs to cut this person off completely.

They'd be getting decked rather than being told to reign it in by their friends? Extreme,

He's not a victim of a sexual offence, and as someone who was, I think hyou're being fucking offensive to even suggest it.

Shame on you. Vile creature.

It is a form of sexual harassment in its nature because it's persistent and unwanted. And sexual harassment is an offence. The fact it isn't the same level of offence you suffered is irrelevant. There are more than one kind of sexual offence. Sexual harassment is an offence.

He may just think he's being tolerant and accepting of other people's sexuality by not running a mile. The problem with some gay men is they struggle with understanding that just because they are gay doesn't necessarily mean everyone else is.

If its unwanted, you simply block the number. It can't be persistent unless you choose to allow to be.
It's not sexual harassment as he is a fully willing party to the conversation. ~There is no offence here, except that that you are causing with your comments.