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Original poster

Hand flapping, violent meltdowns - to think this can still be normal?

32 replies

Treehouseviews · 25/10/2022 10:41

Has anyone had experience with having/meeting kids who showed some worrying traits in the early years but outgrown them later and mellowed out completely?

Our 4 year old is still struggling a lot with managing emotions, has daily meltdowns and aggressive behaviour. Wondering if there’s any hope these traits will be outgrown.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 25/10/2022 10:47

Daily meltdowns and aggression are a sign that your DS is very unhappy and he is not coping with everyday life. I don't know whether your DS will outgrow this or not but I wouldn't be waiting around, you need to get to the bottom of what is troubling him. I can't say if your DS has autism or not; from my own experience if he does have autism then he will be much happier and calmer and his development will be massively helped if you know about it and make the right adaptations for him. Pre diagnosis was the worst bit! It was a slow improvement (with ups and downs) from then on Flowers

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/10/2022 10:50

Ds had huge daily meltdowns ,hand flapping and general raging. Nothing wrong just didn't like being a small child and was much happier as he got older and was allowed to do everything he wanted to do when he was younger.

Kanaloa · 25/10/2022 11:04

I mean my son had this and he’s turned out to be autistic, maybe now what you wanted to hear. BUT, he has ‘outgrown’ it. Or more accurately we learned to support him and teach him how to cope with the world. So he doesn’t still do it. And he’s great.

orangeenergy · 25/10/2022 11:10

My son was the same, has outgrown it and is also autistic. Now he's older he can manage his emotions much better and he is much more supported in life which means he's less unhappy.

Would also agree that he needs support in daily life now to help manage this regardless of any pending diagnosis.

FrownedUpon · 25/10/2022 11:13

It isn’t really normal though is it? It’s a sign something is wrong for him, whether or not it’s ASD is for a professional to assess.

Haycorns4Piglet · 25/10/2022 11:15

My brother was pretty much impossible as a child, constantly upset, very reactive. My parents said it was like a switch flipped when he turned 10 and he became 'normal'. He was never diagnosed with anything specific.

Ellie56 · 25/10/2022 11:25

@Treehouseviews This kind of behaviour is usually an indication of unmet needs.

Our son was like this, and was eventually diagnosed with autism when he was nearly eight, after we had been raising concerns about his behaviour for five years.

Over the years he has had a huge amount of specialised support, education and training to learn social skills and coping strategies in what, to those with autism is a strange and terrifying world. We had to fight for a lot of that support, which wasn't always easy, and was at times, very stressful, but has been so so worth it.

Our son is now 27 and a confident, laid back young man with a quirky sense of humour, who endears himself to everyone he meets. We haven't seen a meltdown since he went to secondary school, where his needs were much better met than they were at primary school.

If you have not already done so, I would have a chat with the nursery/school and take it from there.

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 25/10/2022 11:27

FrownedUpon · 25/10/2022 11:13

It isn’t really normal though is it? It’s a sign something is wrong for him, whether or not it’s ASD is for a professional to assess.

This.

Hand flapping isn't something they need to grow out of. My son does it when he is happy and we do it with him, it's a joyful expression for him.

UnbeatenMum · 25/10/2022 11:32

My 11yo still flaps her hands, it's excitement for her. I don't see her growing out of it. She is autistic. Meltdowns can improve with age or understanding triggers better, but daily violent meltdowns aren't common in 4yos IMO and would be worth discussing with a professional.

crumpetswithjam · 25/10/2022 11:33

FrownedUpon · 25/10/2022 11:13

It isn’t really normal though is it? It’s a sign something is wrong for him, whether or not it’s ASD is for a professional to assess.

This is worded so insensitively, I don't even know where to start. But I'll try.

Firstly, it is normal, normal for OP's child and normal for a lot of children. It's not, perhaps, typical of many children, but your use of the word normal suggest any subversion is abnormality - which is a horrible way to talk about a person,

Secondly, a neurodiverse brain is not wrong. It's not broken. It runs differently to neurotypical brains, but it is a fully functioning brain. Being autistic isn't 'having something wrong' with you. It's just operating differently.

Finally, you need to be aware that disabled parents, and disabled parents of disabled children, and parents of disabled children will read your words and it will add to the general narrative around disability that it is wrong, and abnormal. And that's just a fucking depressing thing to have to be exposed to regularly.

Please choose your words a bit more carefully whenever you speak about disability, and maybe don't speak at all, if you have nothing kind or constructive to say.

AnnaMagnani · 25/10/2022 11:34

I was on another forum where someone asked for advice about a child with handflapping. Lots of adults replied how they still handflapped and were perfectly well adjusted (and enjoy handflapping)

Of course a few months later child was diagnosed with autism, the adults started a bit of self analysis - highly online people, difficulty with friendships, resolve emotions with handflapping... and then the adult diagnoses followed.

Timetochangetheoil · 25/10/2022 11:37

crumpetswithjam · 25/10/2022 11:33

This is worded so insensitively, I don't even know where to start. But I'll try.

Firstly, it is normal, normal for OP's child and normal for a lot of children. It's not, perhaps, typical of many children, but your use of the word normal suggest any subversion is abnormality - which is a horrible way to talk about a person,

Secondly, a neurodiverse brain is not wrong. It's not broken. It runs differently to neurotypical brains, but it is a fully functioning brain. Being autistic isn't 'having something wrong' with you. It's just operating differently.

Finally, you need to be aware that disabled parents, and disabled parents of disabled children, and parents of disabled children will read your words and it will add to the general narrative around disability that it is wrong, and abnormal. And that's just a fucking depressing thing to have to be exposed to regularly.

Please choose your words a bit more carefully whenever you speak about disability, and maybe don't speak at all, if you have nothing kind or constructive to say.

Show quote history

Very well said.

FlibbertyGiblets · 25/10/2022 11:38

Crumpets, thank you. I am so grateful to you for taking on the explanation - it's a great post.

Kanaloa · 25/10/2022 11:39

Secondly, a neurodiverse brain is not wrong. It's not broken. It runs differently to neurotypical brains, but it is a fully functioning brain. Being autistic isn't 'having something wrong' with you. It's just operating differently.

She didn’t say there was something wrong with him. She said there was something wrong for him. And if he’s having daily violent meltdowns there is something wrong for him and he needs support. And daily violent meltdowns aren’t normal - they’re outside the socially accepted developmental expectations for a child of this age. Being outside these expectations is what helps pinpoint a child as needing extra support.

crumpetswithjam · 25/10/2022 11:45

Kanaloa · 25/10/2022 11:39

Secondly, a neurodiverse brain is not wrong. It's not broken. It runs differently to neurotypical brains, but it is a fully functioning brain. Being autistic isn't 'having something wrong' with you. It's just operating differently.

She didn’t say there was something wrong with him. She said there was something wrong for him. And if he’s having daily violent meltdowns there is something wrong for him and he needs support. And daily violent meltdowns aren’t normal - they’re outside the socially accepted developmental expectations for a child of this age. Being outside these expectations is what helps pinpoint a child as needing extra support.

The use of the word 'wrong' is the issue here, and the connotations it brings with it.

I know what she was saying, it was thoughtless, not cruel. But thoughtlessness can be worked on.

crumpetswithjam · 25/10/2022 11:46

Also, @Kanaloa - flapping doesn't often signal there being anything 'wrong', it's generally a gesture of happiness.

Axahooxa · 25/10/2022 11:48

If you haven’t yet sought diagnosis- I’d advise starting the process. It takes years.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/10/2022 11:52

Just want to clarify my use of the word 'wrong' was in response to the post above mine and I wasn't saying autism/hand flapping is 'wrong.'

Burritowithextra · 25/10/2022 11:53

She said something is wrong for him, @crumpetswithjam . What is wrong with that? Something is wrong for my DD (often the sensory environment) when she has meltdowns, that is what’s behind them.

She didn’t say something is wrong with him.

underneaththeash · 25/10/2022 11:55

hand flapping is one thing (all of my children liked a good flap and so did I) - violent meltdowns are something else.
If you’re under the health visitor still, I’d go to her first with your concerns.
In the meantime, see if you can link the meltdowns with anything in particular - tiredness/hunger etc.
mid he is getting overly tired at school for example, you could do a couple of half days twice a week - (school will complain, but as he’s not 5 there’s nothing you they can do about it!)

Burritowithextra · 25/10/2022 11:56

It doesn’t need to be worked on @Kanaloa . Work on your own language if you like but you don’t get to police others who haven’t asked you.

I am autistic as is my DD and I will use the word “wrong” when I want. As I already said to you, the previous poster said wrong “for” him. I can only assume that you didn’t read that properly, jumped in needlessly to try and ‘educate’ someone, and now you are trying to backtrack.

Kanaloa · 25/10/2022 11:56

crumpetswithjam · 25/10/2022 11:46

Also, @Kanaloa - flapping doesn't often signal there being anything 'wrong', it's generally a gesture of happiness.

Combined with violent meltdowns it signifies that something is wrong for this child. Violent meltdowns and struggling to manage emotions aren’t the sign of a happy child being supported as they need. There is something wrong for him if he’s having daily violent meltdowns. Nobody’s saying it’s ‘wrong’ to be autistic, or that autistic people are abnormal and wrong. They’re saying that if a child (any child) is having daily violent meltdowns something is wrong for that child. Which it is.

Burritowithextra · 25/10/2022 11:57

Above post for @crumpetswithjam , sorry, it was @Kanaloa you were quoting

deliverooyoutoo · 25/10/2022 11:57

Fanatastoc post @crumpetswithjam

Blossomandbee · 25/10/2022 12:05

Hand flapping and meltdowns can be a sign of autism. Hand flapping is a common type of stimming, he might be trying to regulate himself. Is there a trigger? Does it happen at particular times or when he's overwhelmed?

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