To not want BIL to be mollycoddled

[ThroughTheRabbitHole]

Background: I live with parent in-law and one of BIL. The second BIL moved out just under a year ago to live with his then fiance now wife, who wanted him to be away due to dynamics of the in law family ( disclaimer: I tolerate his wife, I'm not fond of her due to her thinking she is entitled and makes it known when not bait)

MIL does everything for her boys and will go beyond to do it for them. ( Unfortunately this does not sit well with me as these are fully grown men that do not need infantalising)

Current Situation
MIL has recently been diagnosed with a condition that required daily treatment and means she does get tired and can get quite unwell. She has started this treatment recently and is now experiencing some symptoms

2nd BIL is due a minor operation on his ankle, he be able to mobilise with use of a boot. Him and wife planned he move back with us for 3 weeks while he recovers and she stay at their home.

My only issue is MIL will be picking up after him, and he is not one pitch in the house work let alone to offer to help. She has recently been having some side effects of treatment. I've also advise mil have her own bed and space should she want it and since she has been using 2nd bil room for this and has been working well for her. So essentially we have no spare bedroom for him.

I have managed to get husband and 1st BIL on board to reducing thing mil does for them and family to avoid fatigue. Unfortunately same cannot be said for FIL; think old skool dad and wife dotes on him. I work full time and commute 2 hrs each way and take time out for appointment when needed and do what I can to reduce her fatigue.

Is there a way round to reduce burden on MIL .Basically would it be unreasonable to ask his wife to look after him at their home so as not to burden MIl. ( I mean in sickness and in health 🫣😅)

Thread title amended by MNHQ at OP's request.
[Title edited again to clarify OP's AIBU]

MIL does everything for her boys and will go beyond to do it for them. ( Unfortunately this does not sit well with me as these are fully grown men that do not need infantalising)

I don't understand your thread title, is it a typo?
Why do you feel that your BiL's are grown adults who do not need infantalising, but you are a grown adult who wants to be?

You're also onto a hiding to nothing wanting to change the dynamic of your PiL's marriage. You wouldn't be able to do that from the security of your own home, much less while you're dependent on them for accommodation. How would you feel if you housed some relatives, & they took it upon themselves to arbitrate on what your marriage should look like & tell you how your behaviour should change?

You want to be "infantalised" (presumably infantilised)? What does that even mean? I struggle to understand your post TBH.

Maybe it’s too early in the morning but I don’t understand your post and title. Why do you all live with MIL? Surely BIL wife wanted him to move in with her because they’re, you know, married, not because of family dynamics?

Why do you want to be infantilised? It’s not clear from your post.
Are you feeling jealous because MIL attends to her DS’s every whim? TBH I’m struggling to see what you are trying to say in your post.

But anyway if you are not happy living with MIL you could move out?

If BIL is still mobile NO ONE should be looking after him however, if he needs some support it's his wife that should be doing that and you can absolutely suggest it to the family. I see absolutely no reason he should head back to the family home to convelece.

However, be forewarned that you may upset the applecart if MIL is happy with the status quo.

Best idea is to move out and leave them to it.

I'm struggling to understand this. Your 2nd BiL needs an op that requires him to move back in with his mother, who is also in poor health? Why can't he be at home?

Also, why are you commuting 2 hours each way to reduce your MiL's fatigue on top of your full time job? Presumably you aren't staying over if you've got work the following morning. What is it you're doing for your MiL that reduces her fatigue sufficiently before you commute a further 2 hours home?

What is your DHs take on all of this? Is he equally as concerned about his mother's state of health?

completely confuzzled

following just for the perplexedness

Me too!

Would it be impossible for your DH and BIL to speak to him? You could have a private word with his wife, but it's carrying on the tradition that things are up to the women to fix. A family conference would be good, make it about how you can all make life easier for your MIL. You aren't going to change her or her husband, so don't go too far and make her feel useless.

Another one who doesn't get this at all. From your post, the title should be something like "To want MIL to stop mollycoddling her sons". At the moment, the title bears no relation to the content. But why the hell a grown man is expecting his ailing mother to look after him after a minor operation is beyond me.

Call a family meeting with the men of the family and tell them to pull their heads out of their arses and grow up. Mum needs looking after now. No more being waited on.

Exactly this.
It's not difficult to understand the op if you possess comprehension skills.
When op says infantilise she means bil not herself.

I think the Op means her 2nd BiL wants to be infantilised rather than op herself.

multi-generational living isn’t uncommon in some cultures so it’s not that surprising they live with in laws.

Have you asked your MIL what she wants? You seem to be making alot if decisions on her behalf.

If mother in law is poorly why does she need to look after BIl? Why can't his wife do it? You're right though his wife should be helping him at home as they say in sickness and in health. There are lots of men who just cope in their own houses and don't go running back to mummy.

I think if you suggest it youlll look like the bad DIL. Leave it how it is. I feel sorry for you that you work full time and look after MIl (taking time out for appointments and also travelling 2 hours and back). Does MIl really need that help if she can look after BIl? Why can't he and his wife help? Why do you have to do it? I suggest you don't need to look after her that much.

It's not confusing. The bils/dh and fil are treated like children by mil. But mil is poorly and can't keep it up. Op (who also lives there) is limited in help as she works all day with two hour commute. I'd say that bil should not come to stay and that they all need yo be aware they are making mil worse. But ultimately you can not demand they do stuff or refuse bil that's up to mil and fil really. You can only do your bit.

I say let him stay over but you don't help as much as you do with MIL. Hopefully with less help he'll go back to his wife.

I absolutely agree with the family meeting advice. I also understand the op perfectly, albeit the thread title is misleading.

Where’s he going to stay? He really does not need much looking after at all.

I don’t agree with anyone advocating this approach as MIL will probably just run herself ragged rather than him getting fed up. I get she’s reaping what she sowed.

Could you and your dp/dh move out so they did have a spare room for BIL? It’s hard for you to say anything without it appearing like double standards from MIL perspective. Why should you stay and BIL not be allowed to?

Can you make your FIL understand that BIL 2 moving home may make MIL very ill? If you’re helping take her to appointments, is there any chance you might be able to get the doctor to say she must rest?

Any chance BIL 2 moving home might provoke some unwelcome community gossip - or could you just suggest it might? That his own wife won’t look after him? That she wants him away from their home? Who is she having at their home while he is away? (Which is gross, obviously, but frankly if you plan to dump your husband on your MIL to be minded in circumstances like this, you pretty much deserve it.)

I think your thread title is probably confusing people - you can contact MNHQ to ask them to change it for you. Your post makes perfect sense though - I think some people just forget intergenerational living is A Thing (& in the UK, as well as elsewhere).

The BIL needs to stay at his own home.
You also should ideally be living in your own home.

@Dontsparethehorses in some cultures sons live with parents even when they're married so that they 'look after' the elderly parents. That looking after works two ways where the parents also help bring up their grandchildren.

I get your title op. You mean you're brother in law still wants to be infantilised.

What health conditions does your MIL have? Why can't fil take her? Has she always needed help? Is it more to do with her understanding/lack of English? Also who helped her before you came?

You have a DH problem, letting mummy still pick up after him.