To not want BIL to be mollycoddled

[ThroughTheRabbitHole]

Background: I live with parent in-law and one of BIL. The second BIL moved out just under a year ago to live with his then fiance now wife, who wanted him to be away due to dynamics of the in law family ( disclaimer: I tolerate his wife, I'm not fond of her due to her thinking she is entitled and makes it known when not bait)

MIL does everything for her boys and will go beyond to do it for them. ( Unfortunately this does not sit well with me as these are fully grown men that do not need infantalising)

Current Situation
MIL has recently been diagnosed with a condition that required daily treatment and means she does get tired and can get quite unwell. She has started this treatment recently and is now experiencing some symptoms

2nd BIL is due a minor operation on his ankle, he be able to mobilise with use of a boot. Him and wife planned he move back with us for 3 weeks while he recovers and she stay at their home.

My only issue is MIL will be picking up after him, and he is not one pitch in the house work let alone to offer to help. She has recently been having some side effects of treatment. I've also advise mil have her own bed and space should she want it and since she has been using 2nd bil room for this and has been working well for her. So essentially we have no spare bedroom for him.

I have managed to get husband and 1st BIL on board to reducing thing mil does for them and family to avoid fatigue. Unfortunately same cannot be said for FIL; think old skool dad and wife dotes on him. I work full time and commute 2 hrs each way and take time out for appointment when needed and do what I can to reduce her fatigue.

Is there a way round to reduce burden on MIL .Basically would it be unreasonable to ask his wife to look after him at their home so as not to burden MIl. ( I mean in sickness and in health 🫣😅)

Thread title amended by MNHQ at OP's request.
[Title edited again to clarify OP's AIBU]

To all those that understood what I was saying thank you... I was a little emotional and tired and yes you're right the title was not clear and have asked it to be changed.

@KettrickenSmiled iled I don't think you've read my thread properly. To suggest I want to be mollycoddled is infact the opposite; I help MIL with tasks and daily things so she doesn't get tired and worn out. Unfortunately the relationship dynamics my PIL have, are set in stone and cannot be changed and I have no intention to change that or voice that, they're " comfortable" with the way they do.

@Meltingsocks socks, my DH and 1st BIL is not letting my MIL pick up after them, it 2nd BIL. He's coming back home to be "looked after" after a minor op, while I feel he could stay in his own home and his wife look after him. I know MIL would bend over backward when she is not feeling 100%, he would not help at home.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet nnet So 2nd BIL and his wife had actually moved out prior to getting engaged ( culturally not the done thing, (In laws weren't happy about it) . Her reasoning was to get him away from the family due to dynamics of the PIL ( I recognize it can be strenuous but we ( DH and I) stay out of it).

Thank you to all those that recognise that we live in a multigenerational household. We actually live with my PIL to save for our house which would be DH 2nd property, my husband is on the family home. We have recently purchased and now fixing up the house before we move in. But we're now in 2 minds to move due to the circumstances and to help MIL cope.

So MIL was basically brought up to be a wife and mother and just get on and not complain and to suffer the burdens of everyone else and pick up after everyone.

Unfortunately she doesn't advocate for her self at all in a medical situation she goes " it's just part of life" and suffer in silence. And she has a hard time to say "NO". Put it like this if there were 2 oxygen tanks she would not use hers to save the other person.

FIL has unfortunately become frail during the pandemic and is reliant on MIL.

I don't want to divulge too much into her condition, but know she will get more poorly during treatments and further treatment. DH, 1st BIL and I feel tasks need to be off loaded from MIL as she fatigues a lot and not feel like doing things. Things like basic cooking a meal and meal prepping for a few days, to looking after FIL and taking him for hospital appointments, activities of daily living. MIL will do what she can and we pick up, essentially keeping MIL independent as much as possible while supporting her and FIL. I have had a chat with MIL and her wants and needs and generally how she is coping. She realizes she cannot do everything she did before treatment l, but is happy for us to pick up and supplement support and help with activies of daily living.

@Ponoka7 ka7, I have had a chat with 2nd BIL wife and expressed my concern of 2nd BIL would not need to be home to be looked after by poorly MIL. But I feel she doesn't feel the same sentiment. DH and 1st BIL have had a conversation but I don't think it sat well with 2nd BIL.

Like others have said I don't want to rock the boat and the double standards. But feel a bit of sensitivity toward the situation and awareness of the limitations MIL has means she wouldn't be able to pick up after him.

I mean just last night, she was tired from walking the stairs to get bedding for the sofa for him. It's something he could have done, but he sat there scrolling Social media even when I suggested he go get it.

@heartbroken22 22 I honestly feel like I should leave it as it is, but it's so hard to watch even my 1st BIL had said.

@Mummyoflittledragon, unfortunately you are right, you reap what you sow.

@KettrickenSmiled iled I don't think you've read my thread properly. To suggest I want to be mollycoddled is infact the opposite; I help MIL with tasks and daily things so she doesn't get tired and worn out. Unfortunately the relationship dynamics my PIL have, are set in stone and cannot be changed and I have no intention to change that or voice that, they're " comfortable" with the way they do.

Of course I read it properly.
You can't start a thread titled "AIBU to still want to be infantilised" & then get arsey because PP very reasonably assume that ... you want to be infantalised, & are therefore puzzled why you think your fellow adults BiL's should not be.

Appreciate you were tired & maybe not writing in a more usually clear style, but that's not down to PP's lack of reading comprehension, it's down to your lack of clarity.

Anyway I hope you get the support you need from your thread, & more cohesion & proper communication with your inlaws.

Would you be able to get some external help? If you’re in the UK I can offer some advice on navigating social care; I know that in the US, for example, there are systems, but there’s huge variation by State & it tends to be linked to [health] insurance provision; & across Europe there’s usually some form of social care available (though how payment is arranged varies) vs most of Africa where you’d look at employing staff [if in the financial position to do so]. If you’re comfortable saying which country you’re in posters might be able to offer help/advice/support with finding help & resources; but I do completely understand if you don’t want to that.

Has BIL2’s wife seen MIL recently? As in, does she fully understand just how unwell she is? If not, can you get her to visit? Or just spell out exactly what it is she’s doing. If your SIL doesn’t like the “family dynamic” such that she & BIL2 moved in together before marriage - presumably causing both families social consequences in the community - then why’s she merrily shunting him home again now?

It sounds as if you & DH have a lot to consider - perhaps together with MIL & FIL - particularly with regard to the two homes. Social care here are very big on the idea of “future proofing” - thinking about changes you’ll need to make to be able to stay in your own home safely, basically; and accepting at some point you may have to move because it can’t be adapted to meet your needs. So do you need to remain with your PIL to provide care (which I understand the cultural aspect of in addition to practical & emotional considerations) or do you & DH look into selling the house you’re all living in now to buy/build PIL a smaller property adapted to meet their needs? Perhaps a bungalow, or a house with a through-floor lift, somewhere that has a wet-room rather than (or as well as) a bathroom, grab rails throughout, wide doorways, lower kitchen worktops…