Aibu to ask you to talk to me

[MoneyMeAndAdhd]

I’m in a terrible state. I’ve had the biggest ptsd trigger in years and I’ve had a complete meltdown. Self harm, suicidal thoughts, sobbing etc. I was fine earlier and haven’t felt like this for such a long time but now I’m an absolute wreck.
The trigger is to do with one of my dc and I don’t think he realised how upset I was but I need to calm down, try to sleep and then act rationally about the situation in the morning.
Please can you talk to me as I am curled up shaking and feel utterly destroyed by this.

Sorry you’re still feeling panicky, OP, but you’ve done brilliantly to talk yourself down and almost through this in such a short amount of time. Truly, being able to recognise and reflect when you’re in fight or flight mode is a massive achievement, and shows just how far you’ve come, even though tonight’s events have shaken you.

You’ve already written to your therapist, you have a plan for tomorrow, you’re having a nice, calming warm drink. You’ve totally got this, and everyone is here to hold your hand until you’re ready to sleep.

You've got this you know.
Not sure what to say as the other posters are looking after you so well, but just wanted to say that I'm still here

I'm yet to find anyone who does trust camhs or who hasn't received crap advice from them to be honest. Sad, but true.

you’re doing incredibly well. Those panicky feelings are the worst. You’ve calmed yourself and you’ve made a plan. And your children are content enough to make a pizza. That sounds pretty good.

Got to agree. Sad but true. I’ve got to go next week to see my child’s therapist for a review.

There are some resources aimed at teenagers that my son has used before. Without knowing what yours is going through I don't know if they're any use but figured I'd share them in case.

*www.kooth.com/

*www.thesource.me.uk/

*youngminds.org.uk/find-help/get-urgent-help/youngminds-crisis-messenger/

*www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/feelings-emotions/depression-feeling-sad/

*moodwise.co.uk/

*www.thesource.me.uk/health/if-the-app-fits-health-and-well-being-apps/

*papyrus-uk.org/

To even recognise the triggers, address them and shout to us lot here for a hand hold is massive OP and I hope you recognise that albeit I know it's hard to.

The grounding techniques Kendrick offered earlier do tend to help me when I'm in panic mode - 5 things you can hold, imagine how they feel and touch, 5 things you can smell etc. plus box breathing usually helps me to calm the overwhelm a little.

I think we can all say you are doing brilliantly right now - you've said the harm is minor and a slip, everyone has slips my love when they're trying to exit that particular merrygoround.

Breathe deep, take in the things you can, use the grounding techniques and you've already done what is practical ref emails etc - love that it's draft too as that is a good call. Revisit and review once you've had some time to hopefully rest and regroup xx

@KettrickenSmiled I feel like I need you to come round to my house and give my ptsd a bollocking! It has sabotaged so much; friendships with school mums, financial support through my work for therapy, meeting new people.
I have gone down all the right routes for my son despite my ptsd trying to tell me I’ll be judged or blamed. I’ve never been judged or blamed and frequently told what a good job I’m doing.

The Camhs therapist has an accusatory tone with my son which upsets him, and also with me and dh. He becomes defensive every time school speak to my son, almost as though he feels they are questioning his therapy. He told my son today that school overreact, as do his parents, and made a ‘joke’ about calling social services because his diet isn’t good. His diet isn’t always crap but sometimes he chooses crap options at school and he chose not to eat healthier options when he was home off school for a week unwell. This was what the therapist was referring too and saidI should have been making his lunches. I was at work 😞 and he wasn’t too unwell to leave at home. He’s nearly 17 and I have tried so hard to improve his diet. We cook healthy things and they moan or eat around the vegetables.
Trauma response aside, those comments have made me feel like shit.

@Candymay the dc are great! Very happy generally and they get on well with each other and me.

My son has autism and ocd and it’s fixating on certain food types at the moment.
School panicked that he has an eating disorder (he doesn’t, it’s an ocd thing around certain foods but it’s still a problem), the therapist went batshit and said school overreacted (which they might have done but only because they care) and then said I allow my son to only eat crap (which isn’t true)

@POTC @Candymay if we ‘dump’ camhs, will they call social services? I will get him help privately instead and see the gp so he’s not neglected.
I feel they’ve made him worse. The man is weird (son’s words) and he hates going. He’s been going for 8 months.

Also, how do we end it with them?

OMG I feel so much better and I’m actually fairly calmly talking about the issue without my ptsd brain telling me my dc are better off without me and someone will take them away.
You’re all amazing thank you

Personally I'd tell them the therapist is a twat and put the phone down, but that's probably not the best approach!

You’re holding strong. And the children sound like they are managing well with this evening anyway. So they are secure enough to be ok even if you are worried about something. That’s a huge credit to you.
and you are sensible to write down what you need to say to school and to camhs regarding your sons eating. So that part of your work has been done already and you can now try to relax for the night.
you’ve also just got through a really horrible evening. You’ve now got this to look back on in the knowledge that you can cope with these emotions despite feeling panicky and desperate. You’re stronger than you realised.

My son is also autistic which is why we didn't ever go down the camhs route. Your son needs a therapist with an understanding of autism and who is willing to learn about how this impacts on your son's mh.
Social services have far too much going on to be interested in someone dropping camhs to go private, they know the service is shit so will more likely be glad you've sought out something better. They're also not the enemy, social workers can be helpful.
www.autismandadhd.org are local to us and school are paying for them to support my son with fortnightly sessions. They have online info for parents too.

My more level headed response to camhs would be to say that you don't feel their services are able to meet the needs of your child and you will be seeking an alternative provision more suited to working with your son

Practical matters- 8 months is quite a while. Is therapy due to end soon? Or is it ongoing? I wouldn’t be comfortable sending a child to a ‘weird’ therapist. If that’s how your son feels with him that’s not going to be helpful at all. I think there are some people who make things worse for children.
what you could do in the short term is have your son miss appointments because he feels unwell. That gets you a couple of weeks off. Then change it to saying actually you think the child may not want to continue therapy because he’s not feeling well on the days he’s due to attend. Then you can say at this point that you are looking to find a therapist privately who has been recommended and you feel this person may be a better fit.
then you keep open dialogue with the school. So they can’t say you are neglectful or trying to disengage from services. On the contrary, you want to make sure your son has the services available no matter the cost.

A therapist who simultaneously makes his patient and their parent feel like crap doesn't sound like much of a therapist to me!

I would personally put in a request for a different therapist, if asked I would say that there is a personality clash. Just because someone is in a therapist / doctor role doesn't mean that they are god like and what they say or do is right for that particular patient. You need to be able to trust your care givers and sometimes it just doesn't work out, personality clashes.

You sound like an awesome parent and I'm so sorry what happened has triggered PTSD in you. Your kids obviously love you if they're off making you tea ❤️

I feel like I need you to come round to my house and give my ptsd a bollocking!
Bring it on my dear, & while we're at it, line up that cahms officer's arse & I'll give it a good kicking.

OMG I feel so much better and I’m actually fairly calmly talking about the issue without my ptsd brain telling me my dc are better off without me and someone will take them away.
You’re all amazing thank you
We didn't do that OP.
You did. You are amazing.

Yoiu have so much insight, resilience & bravery. Bloody well done you.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and that you feel better when you wake up. I’m thinking of you and wishing you well for today.

I don't have any useful help as previous replies are great.
Just sending love ❤️

I don't have PTSD but I have crippling anxiety and an autistic 14 year old.
I'm always questioning myself over him, he used to only eats white food and the same thing every day, porridge for breakfast a Philadelphia sandwich for lunch and chicken and chips for dinner, the past year he has been trying other foods but we are still unable to get him to eat fruit vegetables or salad, he has to have tests because of his "unhealthy" diet but he is fine and his isn't deficient in anything.
He went to a school a few towns away that that a specialist unit attached as he also has verbal dyspraxia, once he had to leave that school his teachers suggested that he attended a special secondary school, the local authority denied this and I know he won't cope with the hustle and bustle of senior school so I took him out of school.
I worry I'm not doing enough for him as he only has enough attention span for a few hours but his ehcp reflects that he is doing the best he can as am I even though I don't feel it.

As for his sleep patterns well he has about 3-5 hours and that's normally during the day as he is happier at nighttime as it's quieter.

Oh and he doesn't leave the house

But like you I'm doing my best like all parents, no parent is perfect and some people shouldn't be parents (like mine) but you are kind and caring and love your children, you know what's going on in their lives (my mum never even went to a school parents evening or the doctors with me)
You have food in your cupboards so your children have everything they need.
I think you are doing brilliantly and I hope today is a better day for you (unmumsnetty hugs)

A therapist worth there weight will tell you time and again that you need a connection and a bond with your therapist. You are trusting them with your most vulnerable parts.if he isn’t helping or making such horrid comments and actually causing your dc more harm then bin him.and tell anyone why!
without context what he said sounds fucking unacceptable. Tell your lad to ignore him.sounds like your all trying your best here.and making good progress.

Sounds like your doing amazing.
not everyone,for many reasons have the “traditional “ looking diet. He needs to be nourished and settled and hopefully one day get joy from food.that most important.food not becoming a battle ground is the important bit in these situations.keeping him nourished.cared for.feeling safe and loved.

Morning OP.

Hope you got some sleep, woke up feeling less anxiety & dread, & were able to congratulate yourself on your coping mechanisms last night. The email drafting in particular was a masterstroke of panic avoidance, & you did so well to reach out here, then self-soothe in such a remarkably short space of time.

PTSD is a bitch. Sometimes it helps to personify it. Easier to separate it from yourself, & kick its arse!