Aibu to ask you to talk to me

[MoneyMeAndAdhd]

I’m in a terrible state. I’ve had the biggest ptsd trigger in years and I’ve had a complete meltdown. Self harm, suicidal thoughts, sobbing etc. I was fine earlier and haven’t felt like this for such a long time but now I’m an absolute wreck.
The trigger is to do with one of my dc and I don’t think he realised how upset I was but I need to calm down, try to sleep and then act rationally about the situation in the morning.
Please can you talk to me as I am curled up shaking and feel utterly destroyed by this.

I'm here

Going to post a couple of comforting YouTube channels as it might help someone and I often watch these as relaxing if I can't sleep

https://youtube.com/channel/UC_RDtmUq7RISJ4mFKAhjzTg

Very calming vlogs about her daily life in Japan

https://youtube.com/c/livingbig

Tiny homes

https://youtube.com/c/Trektrendy

Shares travel reviews, a lot on sleeper trains

I’m here too. Always available to listen.

are you feeling any calmer? Can you make yourself a hot drink and take a paracetamol or similar?

I advise you to make the peppermint tea and take it back to bed

Crying doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's a way of releasing the emotion and its not hurting you. Keep talking to us until you feel strong enough to make that tea at least

My teenagers are (annoyingly) still up. I’ve just asked them to make me a tea and apparently they are going to.
My son saw I looked upset and we briefly talked about the issue although obviously I didn’t tell him about my ptsd response.

I’m worried about him but don’t want my own baggage and trauma to stop me doing the right thing.

@Candymay I do feel calmer. Everything seems less scary and the conversations I might have with school or the gp about my son seem positive/hopeful rather than trauma inducing.

Thank you @PeloFondo I will have a look.

I hope you have your tea now.
deep breaths. Try to watch something calming and distracting on YouTube.
it’s good that you can take a half day off tomorrow.

That's great, in less than half an hour you've gone from overwhelmed to being able to reframe it as hopeful. You've got this

Thank you so much to all of you. I am still shaky and anxious and I feel stupid for hurting myself.
I was a fetal position sobbing wreck when I started the thread.

You should never feel stupid, what's done is done. Next time you can make a different choice. Glad you're already feeling calmer, the Internet has its failings but it can do good things too!

Wotcher OP.
You're sounding very self-aware, I hope that's a helpful thing to say.

Breathe.
Look round the room. Find 5 red things & name them.
Breathe.
Think of the alphabet, & see if you can name a fruit beginning with each letter.
Breathe.
& wait for the natural brain chemistry responses to kick in & alter the way you are feeling.

You will get through tonight, & tomorrow - or whenever YOU decide - you can get down to the business of addressing the trigger, your reaction, & what help you need in getting past this episode.

You're not alone. Trauma responses are unpredictable & overwhelming. They can fell the best of us. But only temporarily ... you have coped before, & you will cope again.
In fact - you are coping NOW.
You know what happened, you knew what to do & how to conceal your distress from your child, & you came here to ask for a handhold.
Bloody well done you. You are amazing for holding yourself together.
Don't be scared of your feelings right now. They are feelings - not facts. Maybe your body needs to feel them in order to discharge them.

Get what sleep you can, & congratulate yourself for a measured & wise response to the triggering event.

I am still panicking I think because I tried to imagine what I’d say to his school and felt like I was going to be sick.

I feel like a failure as a mum because I need support and my son needs extra support.I feel like a failure because I need therapy. I fear one day someone will decide I’m not good enough to be their mum.
I know I am but there is too much trauma in me about this sort of thing.

I need to stop his Camhs therapy and possibly even complain about it but I’m scared I’ll get reported to social services or it will be on his notes that I’m not supportive/ engaged etc which is not true. I feel powerless. That’s the big trigger tonight.

I hope you don’t mind me writing some of the details. It actually helps to see the fear written down. I’ve never done that before.

That’s really helpful @KettrickenSmiled thank you.
I am very self aware but that almost makes it more frustrating when I get this overwhelmed!

You can pm me about the camhs if you like.

Oh, that's a classic OP - using intellectualisation to avoid distressing emotions, & then beating yourself up for mot being "clever enough" to think your way out of PTSD!

@KettrickenSmiled I read "see if you can name a fruit beginning with each letter" as 'see if you can see a fruit beginning with each letter' and thought how I want to be a person with that variety of fruit in my house 🤣

Feeling powerless is horrible. It’s a trigger for lots of people. And clearly for you it is extremely frightening. But you’re doing well. As a previous person just said- you’ve managed to reframe and calm down in a very short period of time.

I’ve drafted an email to school and I’ll call the gp first thing. I am also going to ask my therapist about one of his colleagues assessing my son. We had an offer for help with private therapy but I didn’t accept it because I thought it would look like I was a bad mum for not having enough money. However, the offer is still open I think and maybe I should take it.

The thought of needing help and asking for it is the worst thing in the world for me. In my most traumatised moments I’d rather die than appear vulnerable 😞

I am still panicking I think because I tried to imagine what I’d say to his school and felt like I was going to be sick.

You are not currently talking to the school.
You are at home, safe if not quite yet fully sound, with your DC bringing you a mint tea which you can savour while you do your mindfulness techniques.

When you are ready to talk to the school, you will not be feeling like this because you will have used some of your many coping mechanisms to think it through when you are feeling stronger, to draft out a discussion framework, & to ensure you convey what you need to convey.

I SO recognise this feeling OP. It's the PTSD, not you. You KNOW it will feel differently in the morning. Also ... this isn't something you even need to do toomorrow is it? It can wait until you are ready to have the conversation?

My teenagers (who apparently are cooking pizza at 12.30am!) have brought me a cup of peppermint tea.
Yes they go to bed far too late in the holidays - please don’t judge me! I thought they were in bed.

We had an offer for help with private therapy but I didn’t accept it because I thought it would look like I was a bad mum for not having enough money.

Ah, come on now!
Nobody but an utter twat judges mothers by how much money they have.
Are you sure this isn't the PTSD again, sabotaging you from receiving the help you deserve?

No judgement here, its school hols but even if it wasn't my 15yr old is often still awake at this time.

No judgements re bedtime. Mine are just going to bed now. After watching tv and playing ps5 all day and into the night. It’s all ok

@KettrickenSmiled I will try to speak to my therapist before I speak to his school. I will call the gp but that doesn’t fill me with the same fear as I know and trust them. I do trust his school I think but I don’t trust camhs because a) they don’t know me as a mum and b) they’ve given some questionable advice and made my son feel like shit today.