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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a little bit disturbing

39 replies

Iwantapinklexus · 24/10/2022 18:37

Title is semi light hearted as I don’t truly find it disturbing but I do find it really strange. So I know someone socially (we’re more acquaintances than friends as we only ever meet up as part of a bigger group every few months or so). Her DS is 18 and in his final year of sixth form. He wanted to book to go on holiday with his friends this summer (an entirely normal thing for an 18 year old boy to do given he’s actually an adult). She was saying how she banned him from going as she didn’t trust him and didn’t believe it was safe. My jaw practically hit the floor he’s literally an adult, even more so at the fact he actually agreed to this and didn’t book the holiday. I remember when I was 18 if my mum had tried to ban me from doing something I think I would have laughed at her. I don’t know as I had my kids later in life (eldest DS is 9) but I can’t imagine myself wishing to curtail my young adult child and I know my friends kids who are age 16/17/18 are quite independent. Am I the only one who finds this utterly strange and bizarre.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwantapinklexus · 24/10/2022 18:37

Also the fact if he wanted to he could go to a university/apprenticeship with accommodation anywhere in the country/world in a matter of months and she would have 0 say

OP posts:
Cw112 · 24/10/2022 18:40

Maybe she knows something about him that you don't? Like how he's acted on nights out before and they've had to help him out of difficult situations before. Just because he can go away doesn't mean he should go away? Obviously she can only hold control for so long but as you say he's an adult so if he was independent enough he'd book and go but he hasn't which makes me wonder was she expected to pay for this holiday and refused?

ldontWanna · 24/10/2022 18:41

Iwantapinklexus · 24/10/2022 18:37

Title is semi light hearted as I don’t truly find it disturbing but I do find it really strange. So I know someone socially (we’re more acquaintances than friends as we only ever meet up as part of a bigger group every few months or so). Her DS is 18 and in his final year of sixth form. He wanted to book to go on holiday with his friends this summer (an entirely normal thing for an 18 year old boy to do given he’s actually an adult). She was saying how she banned him from going as she didn’t trust him and didn’t believe it was safe. My jaw practically hit the floor he’s literally an adult, even more so at the fact he actually agreed to this and didn’t book the holiday. I remember when I was 18 if my mum had tried to ban me from doing something I think I would have laughed at her. I don’t know as I had my kids later in life (eldest DS is 9) but I can’t imagine myself wishing to curtail my young adult child and I know my friends kids who are age 16/17/18 are quite independent. Am I the only one who finds this utterly strange and bizarre.

Well it depends..
Is he relying on her to pay for it?
Is he vulnerable in some way(mentally ,emotionally,physically),easily led,has a history or poor/rash decisions?

Does he have a history of drugs,violence, drinking too much and so on?

Yes , in a normal,healthy parental relationship with well adjusted people involved it sounds bonkers. This is obviously not so.

Mum could be a controlling weirdo or the kid could be a lazy waste of space that has been pissing money up the wall and expects her to pay for it so it's not happening. Or any other combination .

Liz1tummypain · 24/10/2022 18:41

That's weird, I agree. He can do as he wants at that age.

MermaidEyes · 24/10/2022 18:43

Maybe he was expecting her to pay and she didn't want to? Or maybe she knows he's the type to get totally pissed up and end up in some kind of dangerous situation somewhere?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2022 18:43

Is she expected to pay for this jolly? If so, she absolutely can tell him he's not going.

CuteCillian · 24/10/2022 18:45

It is unfortunate, but I know many parents with views similar to hers.

Itisbetter · 24/10/2022 18:48

I remember when I was 18 if my mum had tried to ban me from doing something I think I would have laughed at her.
I’ve never laughed at my mother ever. Why would you think that’s normal?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/10/2022 18:48

I can see your point, @Iwantapinklexus. We only had this once - neither ds1 nor ds2 wanted to do a post-A levels trip, but ds3 did. We did worry about the risks, but we knew we couldn’t stop him going. We did talk to him about the risks, and we made sure he had the right insurance, but that was it. He went, and he and his friends had a great time.

But maybe your acquaintance knows her son is not mature enough or sensible enough to go. Maybe he is easily led, or she doesn’t like the other kids he wants to go with. We did trust ds3, and we trusted the group of lads he was going with, to look out for each other and not to do anything too stupid.

Laiste · 24/10/2022 19:01

Yeah. YANBU.

I have a friend who is lovely - but i have to tread carefully around the subject of her son. I've known her for 4/5 years and her DS is now 21. Strapping 6 footer, and we live in quiet countryside.

At 19/20 she still expected a phone call if he wasn't coming straight home from work. (not to do with food - he did his own catering). If he was going to be out past 11 or if he was going to stay round a friend's for the night. At 17/18 she would 'ban' him from doing certain (mundane) things, and refused to take him/collect him. (no buses) Which worked until he learned to drive.

Then he had to have a tracker on his phone and she would check it often during the day, weekends ect, and text him if he went off the expected schedule. He would often not answer and this would cause her to either not speak to him when he did come home or start great shouting matches.

She would also regularly search his room.

I don't know where any of this came from! He was a good kid. DH is the dad, marriage is fine.

I never knew what to say! I would gently try to suggest she didn't do any of the above! But y'know, what can you do as an outsider? I could see the more she clung to him the further away he backed.

She's eased off a bit now - but only because he moved out!

I have older DDS - i never expect to have any where near this level of control/imput on their whereabouts.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 24/10/2022 19:14

Iwantapinklexus · 24/10/2022 18:37

Title is semi light hearted as I don’t truly find it disturbing but I do find it really strange. So I know someone socially (we’re more acquaintances than friends as we only ever meet up as part of a bigger group every few months or so). Her DS is 18 and in his final year of sixth form. He wanted to book to go on holiday with his friends this summer (an entirely normal thing for an 18 year old boy to do given he’s actually an adult). She was saying how she banned him from going as she didn’t trust him and didn’t believe it was safe. My jaw practically hit the floor he’s literally an adult, even more so at the fact he actually agreed to this and didn’t book the holiday. I remember when I was 18 if my mum had tried to ban me from doing something I think I would have laughed at her. I don’t know as I had my kids later in life (eldest DS is 9) but I can’t imagine myself wishing to curtail my young adult child and I know my friends kids who are age 16/17/18 are quite independent. Am I the only one who finds this utterly strange and bizarre.

@Iwantapinklexus have you started two threads on this?

pearandsausage · 24/10/2022 19:20

My parents would have also not 'let' me do this. They were very overbearing with the very very best of intentions - I am only just about shrugging off the shackles after having 2 kids (and implementing some very firm boundaries)

Laiste · 24/10/2022 19:24

My DM never wanted me to do anything. Cats bum faced about everything.

I still did it all.

I just got very good at lying and sneaking about also.

SpentDandelion · 24/10/2022 19:30

Is it more to do with the friends he is go
ing with ?
I wouldn't be too judgemental, there could be alot more to this than meets the eye.

2bazookas · 24/10/2022 19:45

Adults can be unreliable or take unreasonable risks. Some of them are financially dependent on older adults called their parents.

Justcallmebebes · 24/10/2022 19:59

Well she can stop him if she holds the pursestrings and 18 year olds can't do as they like if they're not financially independent surely?

Myunclesmustache · 24/10/2022 20:02

It all depends where they are planning to go...

Bognor Regis or Llandudno - OK

Algeria or Azebajan - maybe not such a good idea.

Wibbly1008 · 24/10/2022 20:08

Over mummification

StickofVeg · 24/10/2022 20:22

I have 2 DS, both early 20's. Yes it's a bit strange of her - but then not all 18 yo are the same. Maybe there is stuff you don't know. Perhaps he's been depressed, suicidal, is a massive drunk and a danger to himself. If it's just a straight ban it's weird (assuming she is just protective) but there could be more to it.

ChrissyPh1 · 24/10/2022 20:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

Applesandcarrots · 24/10/2022 20:31

Laiste · 24/10/2022 19:01

Yeah. YANBU.

I have a friend who is lovely - but i have to tread carefully around the subject of her son. I've known her for 4/5 years and her DS is now 21. Strapping 6 footer, and we live in quiet countryside.

At 19/20 she still expected a phone call if he wasn't coming straight home from work. (not to do with food - he did his own catering). If he was going to be out past 11 or if he was going to stay round a friend's for the night. At 17/18 she would 'ban' him from doing certain (mundane) things, and refused to take him/collect him. (no buses) Which worked until he learned to drive.

Then he had to have a tracker on his phone and she would check it often during the day, weekends ect, and text him if he went off the expected schedule. He would often not answer and this would cause her to either not speak to him when he did come home or start great shouting matches.

She would also regularly search his room.

I don't know where any of this came from! He was a good kid. DH is the dad, marriage is fine.

I never knew what to say! I would gently try to suggest she didn't do any of the above! But y'know, what can you do as an outsider? I could see the more she clung to him the further away he backed.

She's eased off a bit now - but only because he moved out!

I have older DDS - i never expect to have any where near this level of control/imput on their whereabouts.

That's abusive. Why was everyone around just watching it without doing anything 😳

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 24/10/2022 20:32

Myunclesmustache · 24/10/2022 20:02

It all depends where they are planning to go...

Bognor Regis or Llandudno - OK

Algeria or Azebajan - maybe not such a good idea.

I came on to make this point. Where to, and who with, could be relevant.

Applesandcarrots · 24/10/2022 20:32

And YAN U op unless it was some proper risky destination

AlicesAttic · 24/10/2022 20:33

Iwantapinklexus · 24/10/2022 18:37

Also the fact if he wanted to he could go to a university/apprenticeship with accommodation anywhere in the country/world in a matter of months and she would have 0 say

But more than likely she would be expected to contribute to the cost.

Applesandcarrots · 24/10/2022 20:33

Actually Baku is safe and interesting place. Most Azerbajan is safe to travel. Just not border area.
Sorry derail