To find this a little bit disturbing

[Iwantapinklexus]

Title is semi light hearted as I don’t truly find it disturbing but I do find it really strange. So I know someone socially (we’re more acquaintances than friends as we only ever meet up as part of a bigger group every few months or so). Her DS is 18 and in his final year of sixth form. He wanted to book to go on holiday with his friends this summer (an entirely normal thing for an 18 year old boy to do given he’s actually an adult). She was saying how she banned him from going as she didn’t trust him and didn’t believe it was safe. My jaw practically hit the floor he’s literally an adult, even more so at the fact he actually agreed to this and didn’t book the holiday. I remember when I was 18 if my mum had tried to ban me from doing something I think I would have laughed at her. I don’t know as I had my kids later in life (eldest DS is 9) but I can’t imagine myself wishing to curtail my young adult child and I know my friends kids who are age 16/17/18 are quite independent. Am I the only one who finds this utterly strange and bizarre.

It was intrusive, but i wouldn't say abusive.

It was a normal life until he got to 17ish and then she got weird. He still went to school/college/pt jobs/driving lessons ect. She helped pay for his first car. (which she didn't want him to drive far in 🙄) He ignored her texts and requests most of the time and then he left home at 20.

Honestly i think it caused her more anxiety than it did him. She's the one who's lost out. She worries and worries about him. I just didn't know what to say to her about it back then. Other than - i think he's old enough for you NOT to be doing x,y,z. Which i did.

Depends on who would have been footing the bill. If it was the DC then not her business.
That said I know someone who regularly 'grounded' their 18/19 year old DD if she did anything 'wrong' ..I was always 🤔 about that.

Control, basically stalking and silence treatment/shouting are very much abusive.
This was abusive parenting.

Glad he left, hope he doesn't now think any of these behaviours are acceptable

Oh, there's a way around that until he's 25 - refuse to complete the forms relating to parental income. No forms = no loan/grant, no income. See also: refuse to provide identification documents or information necessary for a first passport application.

That's why I couldn't go, even after I'd moved out ran for the hills and failed security checks because I didn't know I'd been known by another name.

Yeah. You are right.

I watched it unfold from her point of view, and that muddied the waters from my side i guess.

It went from: ''he wants to walk home from yr 6 football practice after school alone, but it's dark, so i've said i'll still go and get him''

and ended up as

''i've watched his car go from his work place to the shops and he never said he was going to the shops and now its parked up in [nearest village] and he never said he was seeing H and he wonders why i worry!''

and me going 🙄🙄

Anyway - you're right, But i've de-railed enough!

This is wrong. Lots of posters saying that maybe she knows he is rash/Immature/history of bad decisions are missing the point in that he is an adult and going on holiday with pals is a life experience that actually helps people mature. I was very stupid, impulsive and frankly a liability at that age and not once did my parents tell me not to go, they wanted to but I would have laughed in their faces.

I would probably love to ban DD at 18 from going off on a trip because I am a worrier. But I would grit my teeth and tell her to have a lovely time and oh btw I’ve packed you a rape alarm, mace, a gun, a machete…. Y’know just in case.

Tbf to you by that gear it sounds like she is going to london and everyone would be worried😁

My son is 18 and does know of parents who still to this day who ground their kids and don't let them go out! To me it's seems utterly ridiculous! Also these parents have no idea what their kids/adults get up to.

Maybe he is easily led, or she doesn’t like the other kids he wants to go with

But they are 18, they aren't 'kids' anymore. I was repeating my leaving certificate (Ireland) and living at home after turning 18 after flunking them when I was 17.

My mum would have stopped me going places at 18 but that was before my exams which was fair enough as I was living off her money and under her roof. But after the exams she'd never have stopped me going places. My parents were very strict too and didn't allow boyfriends to stay over etc. but that was house rules so it was different.

@Applesandcarrots Actually Baku is safe and interesting place. Most Azerbajan is safe to travel. Just not border area.

Thanks for that, that's interesting - really
(And no, I'm not being sarcastic)

Why would you laugh at your mother?

Maybe they have a relationship where he respects her experience and advice and she's "banned" it haha but really she's gone I don't think it's a good idea becuase x y z and he doesn't want to seem uncool to his friends but agrees.

@voiceofmarion - I knew as soon as I had posted, that someone would pick me up on calling them ‘kids’ - but I hoped people would see the point I was making - that maybe the mum does not like/trust her son’s travelling companions.

I think it depends on where this holiday was tbh? If a country is on the do not travel cause it’s dangerous lists the foreign office has I would be telling my adult DC not to go. I know I cannot stop them, but I’d express my opinion that it’s not safe to go.