Am I a vile, shrewy nag?

[Threadie]

My DH works full-time, very hard, as a lecturer. I work part-time from home. Our two boys are both school age.

DH doesn't drive and I do all the driving around to activities. He very rarely goes out anywhere with the boys. I also plan all the activities, organise holidays, birthday parties Christmas etc without any support from DH.

Last Saturday DH spent all day watching DVDs, and reading a book for work at the same time. I took boys out for a dog walk and DS1 to town for a haircut. Rest of time boys were bored and aimless. I also did supermarket shopping, cooked dinner, etc. Sunday was my birthday, so when it came to saturday evening I winged as follows:

'Couldn't you at least have gone out with the boys to buy me a birthday card? I know you are busy at work but surely you should be doing more with them'...etc etc.

Sunday came and he did go out and help them get a card, but very angrily. I took the boys climbing without him. He did play monopoly with them, but only because of my whinging. Now he has gone off to London for a few days' research and I feel like a shrew.

What do you all think?

I think he's being a twat and you should down tools next weekend and swan off for a massage / facial / treat for the day .. tell him now

no he is being a dick. happy birthday

My DH works full-time very hard (including most nights at home till gone 12), I'm a SAHM .. when we are both home we share kids / house stuff if that helps

I'm sorry? He went to get you a card ON your birthday, in a strop? Did I get that right? He's being a git. But I think you know that already

Make sure his birthday mirrors yours exactly

No, you are not being a nag. He is being a pillock.

My DH works long hours but would never treat me like that. He often takes the kids out for a couple of hours on his own.

Tell him that you booked a day at a spa (or going out for lunch with your friends) as a belated birthday present for yourself and that he will have to take the children.

Happy birthday

Thanks for your responses, esp for being on my side!

The boys certainly would have enjoyed making more of my birthday , but he just doesn't seem to get it. And with having two boys, I do think it would be valuable if they could do more with Dad at the w/e, instead of always with Mum.

But I still feel horribly shrewish. He does work harder in paid employment than I do.

Like Twiglett's husband mine also works very hard all day in the office and then at home again the evening after the boys have gone to bed and he still manages to get them ready for bed in the evening and sorts out the kitchen after tea. He doesn't mind getting them ready for bed as it is his time alone with them.

He wouldn't forget my birthday and even if it was last minute he would makes sure that the boys had something to give me on the day. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

Your DH had all of Saturday to himself (I don't swallow the reading a book for work whilst watching DVD line - I think the book reading was a front to stop you asking him to do anything) so it wasn't too much to ask to nip out for half an hour to get something.

I would just tell him you are off out next weekend and leave him to it.

Did he get you anything for your birthday by the way? If not I think a shopping trip is in order for you next weekend!

yeah, i agree with Twig (but then i agree wiht everything twig say, because she is so wonderful and all knowing [simper]).

Seriously though, you need to sit him down and put him straight about things.!

I would just like to say that yesterday was DH only day off for a couple of weeks and he still took the boys with him to get his car battery sorted out and then they went for a bit of a drive to make sure the battery worked! They need time with their Dad doing boy things.

He does do a reasonable amount of housework, it's just that he doesn't tune in at all to the need to do things with the children.

I'd asked him not to get me a pressie, because I had decided to join a gym and was feeling guilty about the money, but I would have valued a card, cuppa in bed, that sort of thing.

He may get paid, but you look after 2 boys!!! Ive only got 1 and thats hard enough. Believe me you deserve to be spoilt rotten, every day not just on birthdays. My dh works fulltime plus at least 90 hrs overtime a month so that i can be a sahm and he still manages to make my bday a big deal, even if my pressie is something he gets from the airport on his way through.

I like the spa idea. Book him a bonding activity with the boys and book yourself into a relaxing break.

And just in case he is unsure of his role, there are two parents in this relationship. Raising the boys is just as much his "job" as his paid employment.

My dh works hard at his job (as do I!) but still spends a minimum of a couple of hours A DAY with our two boys.

He sounds as if he wants to 'opt out' at the weekends. He is missing out on vital time with his children while they are young, and you need to get that through to him. His boys need leadership from him. Isn't he interested in kicking a ball around with them?

Also he is being selfish with you - relationships need to be worked at, maintained. The 'not bothered about birthdays' thing is taking you for granted. (One year on Valentine's day we were in the car & my DH stopped in front of Sainsbury's, engine running, pulled out £10 & said "Go & get yourself some flowers"!!)

Perhaps he's got lazy because you organise everything, in which case: think what you'd like to do with them - day out at a theme park, beach, ice-skating etc & organise it for all of you. He might find that he enjoys himself.

Well I am a SAHM so not in any paid employment but still would expect my DH to pull his weight with DD and the household activities..

I would be pretty cheesed off if this was a normal weekend tbh let alone your birthday.

You have let your DH get away with this for far too long woman!..

To put into context, was not my birthday this weekend...

DH works hard all week, and yes another one that does have to do some work in the evenings.. He puts DD to bed at least half the time, and on Sunday afternoon he took DD out to look around some gardens (I wanted to watch the football).. I had the whole afternoon to myself, was bliss..

I did do some housework and ironing etc but got to sit down for the whole 90 mins of a football match to watch my beloved team win without any interruptions etc was pure bliss..

I know my DH is great but surely you can expect your DH to do something similar so you can have some you time and he can spend time with your boys!

Even if he works hard, he is still slacking on very important duties.

He is being a bad husband, not treating you with respect and showing his appreciation for all that you do.

He is not being a good father either. Your sons need time with their father, they need to see him treat you with respect.

My DH comes home from a hard day at work and often plays with the DCs for 1/2 hour (running around the spare room like idiots, jumping on trampoline, singing) Then we put them to bed together. He is sometimes too tired, but often he does it anyway. I always feel that the mad half hour does him good too as he lets off steam.

Thanks very much. lovely mumsnetters, for all your supportive responses. You've made me feel better.

outraged for you. You are not a shrew at all!

hes an idiot.you sound lovely!happy birthday btw!
i sometimes have to remind my dh that our children are his too and would love to do things with him-even if just walk to shops.but hes getting lots better!

YANBU or a shrew !!

Sorry but I don't think it's acceptable for your dh to spend Saturday watching DVDs or reading a book whether it is your birthday the next day or not.

My dh works long hours (I only work 21 hrs a week) but we still share the childcare and cooking at weekends. I do have to sometimes "organise" an activity for him to do with dd but he does it very willingly.

And I must confess to largely buying my own Christmas and birthday presents and wrapping them up for myself (it's a bit of a joke now) because he has a demanding job and travels alot but he always gets me a little 'something' and brings me breakfast in bed.

Could you buy him some driving lessons for his birthday??

Work out the equivalent cost of your work eg a full time nanny, nurse, entertainer, taxi etc and blow the same on his card to treat yourself.
The children are 50% him so he can bloody well do his half.
Do not feel inferior just because his job is paid... spits feathers with rage emoticon

Erm, my dh often works up to 18 hours a day, six days a week, I'm a SAHM to 3 and do pretty much all of the housework, child related activities etc but I am spoilt rotten on my birthday, christmas, etc and dh openly admits he doesn't think he could cope with what I do every day.

Even if he doesn't know what to get me for a special occasion (he's pretty useless at that sort of thing), he'll get advice from my mum/sis.

Expecting him to get you card and give you some "me time" on your birthday is not selfish - it is bloody well deserved.