Am I a vile, shrewy nag?

[Threadie]

My DH works full-time, very hard, as a lecturer. I work part-time from home. Our two boys are both school age.

DH doesn't drive and I do all the driving around to activities. He very rarely goes out anywhere with the boys. I also plan all the activities, organise holidays, birthday parties Christmas etc without any support from DH.

Last Saturday DH spent all day watching DVDs, and reading a book for work at the same time. I took boys out for a dog walk and DS1 to town for a haircut. Rest of time boys were bored and aimless. I also did supermarket shopping, cooked dinner, etc. Sunday was my birthday, so when it came to saturday evening I winged as follows:

'Couldn't you at least have gone out with the boys to buy me a birthday card? I know you are busy at work but surely you should be doing more with them'...etc etc.

Sunday came and he did go out and help them get a card, but very angrily. I took the boys climbing without him. He did play monopoly with them, but only because of my whinging. Now he has gone off to London for a few days' research and I feel like a shrew.

What do you all think?

not a shrew, more like a doormat! I really don't mean that nastily as a dig at you. I find women so often (myself included) tolerate th men being lazy etc. agree with whoever said watching dvd while reading book for a work a load of crap.

I would be mightily pissed off too.

Your dss def need some man to man time. I'd basically sit him down and tell him every saturday or sunday he takes the boys out for the day. Then you can have a few hours off. Sometimes maybe get the shopping in, but more often, I hope just to relax, mong and get the break you deserve. Really.

My dh is a lazy beast, but even he does this - with 3 sometimes, tho he refuses to take them swimming.

I also find just telling them you need to do xyz must more effective than getting humpy/moaning/nagging. Tho I fully undesratnd why you'd be 100% entitled in this isntance to moan/ nag.

I suggest you set up a regular thing say every Thursda evening and plan your weekend. The kids and dh participate too. What should we do this weekend - write it down and stick to it - making sure that usually 1 of those days is dh alone with the boys.

My dh needs structure and needs a plan, but is also totally unable to plan. I get resentful planning his weeknd but when I don't he drifts gets bored, grumpy and frustrated. I accept now it's something I need to do for the greater goood, but if puuting my thinking cap on for 5 minutes gets me a days' peace, it's a small price

Get a job on Saturdays and Sundays. That will soon force him to spend time with the boys and get on with domestic chores because you won't even be here! Or tell him you're going back to full time work and you expect him to arrange the childcare.

Or stop nagging and buy new underwear and spend more time with the husband without the children.

Even my dp, who normally would be of the 'you are all man haters on mn' school thinks your dh is taking the piss.

... another thought ...still fuming on your behalf ... don't know what age your dc are, but could you schedule classes (karate, football) for your boys every Saturday morning in term-time and ask your dh to be responsible for taking them there and back because you have volunteered to do xyz and won't be available? If it's not possible by public transport then he might soon learn to drive!

(I'm ashamed to say I was a terrible driver for a long time and relied too much on dh to chauffeur me everywhere, and I was so disgusted with myself I asked him to refuse to take me anywhere when I asked him. My driving soon improved. Honestly, if I can manage it, anyone can.)

Also, if he's an academic, you might have more success appealing to his intellect, telling him that you don't think he is behaving like a good role model for the boys, and that you don't want them growing up thinking that dads don't have an important role to play, taking their sons out, supporting their dws etc etc

A busy job is no excuse. My dh is a lawyer, he works incredibly long hours and travels constantly. He still takes dd to dance classes on Saturday mornings and puts her to bed (when he is here) at least three or four times a week.

you are not being a vile shrewy nag

I agree that you are not being in the least bit unreasonable. I have also found through YEARS of trial and error that using the words 'couldn't you' 'shouldn't you' or 'why don't you' to my DH result in a)sulking b)sullen or angry cooperation c)feelings of being unappreciated for what he brings to the family.

The trouble is, we usually allow these feelings to brew and boil over until we just can't ask for things in a calm, rational way and get what we want.

You are doing WAY too much. Blokes will let you carry on unless you tell them VERY CLEARLY that YOU are no longer prepared to be this way.

If your DH is a decent bloke you might be able to work out a fairer division of labour. If not, you have some tough choices to make.

Threadie - he's being a complete twat, I would go on a spending spree

Happy belated birthday.

My dh is an absolute nightmare at birthdays (to be fair, he also hates and detests people celebrating his own), and doesn't do what I call the frills - organising presents, parties, activities, holiday is all down to me - but does so much more than his fair share of the rest. No way would he have spent the whole Saturday relaxing and 'working'. So gutting as it is, the birthday's not the issue, is it? It's that perennial of some men thinking the children stuff is exclusively their dp's/dw's job.

(PS It's my birthday on Mother's Day of all days this year. I have already, shall we say, communicated my expectations . And picked up my present last week)

YANBU. Show him this thread if you dare. It will leave no doubt in his mind where he is going wrong even if it does cause another strop on his part. He is in the wrong, period. You deserve to be spoiled on your brithday. Happy Birthday