AIBU to totally separate finances from DH?

[Jane054848]

DH hates his job and wants to quit. He does have a plan to retrain in something but will be a couple of years before he can earn anything, and it might always be quite minimal. I can't persuade him to retrain first.

I earn enough to support the family, including supporting DH not working/only working a little bit...but it would impact on things I want to save for such as retirement, kids' uni, helping kids with house deposit in the future.

We've had completely joint money (one joint bank account) since we started living together 20ish years ago.

But if he's going to be significantly reducing his work/income, I'd like to move to having our own separate money. My proposal:

• he'd do more housework/childcare (kids are teenagers)
• we'd contribute to all bills, household expenses, family stuff, outings, holidays etc in proportion to our incomes (so if he's earning nothing he'd pay nothing, if earning 20% of what I earn he'd contribute 20%)
• whatever is left, we keep separately and do what we want with it. So in theory if he did no work he wouldn't have any "fun" money (but he'd have a year's redundancy pay to tide him over the first couple of years).

Why I'm proposing this:

• He's quite unmotivated to earn money (because my earnings cover our needs) and doesn't always place much value on our joint money.
• I think I'd find the situation less annoying if I don't feel like I'm the only one taking a "hit" in my lifestyle/saving goals because of his career change.

But he hates this idea. His view is, we can afford for him to do this and our money is "our" money and we should keep it that way. He says if it wasn't for me he would have quit ages ago - and that if our positions were reversed, he'd be happy to support me. Both probably true.

AIBU? I really can't tell. I'm sure a nicer person would just say that there's no reason for him to work if we can afford for him not to, and no reason why this should impact our financial arrangements.

(And apologies for even asking this question when others have genuine and serious financial problems. I know this is pretty self-indulgent and privileged).

YANBU. Your proposed set up is exactly what I have with DP. We both work full time but he earns more so we contribute proportionately to bills and agreed savings (60%/40%). We each put our contribution into joint account each month and we spend/save our disposable income as we like. Even as the lower earner I much prefer this, I don't want to have to justify what I spend money on.

Also just to add to this, you absolutely can have a strong partnership and maintain some financial independence.

Friends had a similar thing - he was starting his own business. There followed three years of financial hardship. You can't always trust someone when it comes to money, even if you would trust them with your children.

Oh Jesús, not counselling.

That seems to be code for "nothing at all really" (from people who hate their job and want out).

NB - proper qualified counsellors who have trained like stink and learned a shedload of stuff about psychology and trauma and are actual professionals - I DON'T MEAN YOU, YOU ARE HEROES.

I've had 2 people close to me "retrain in counselling" and then discover that
a) no money;
b) very difficult, stressful, people have horrific traumas that don't bear thinking about;
c) you can do more harm than good if you don't know what you're doing, which you may well not without rigorous degree-type training and extensive experience;
d) did I say I don't know any rich counsellors?

Has he not got any sensible mates who can find him a normal salaried job in a normal company who make the world better by selling people they want and need?

Excuse the rant, OP. Clearly I don't know you or your DH and you of course do.

Fenella123
My experience is similar.

Well qualified, experienced professionals are totally different to the wannabe armchair counsellors who don't like their job and like the idea of having limited hours working with a few people.

It scared me when I realised how many online/night school type courses are out there and has made me deeply suspicious about a lot of practitioners.

I would feel the same as you.

He wants to give up his job. The reality is that yes your probably making enough to keep you afloat now but the cost of living is continuing to rise and your coming to an expensive family stage with children going to college. You also have to think about retirement and funding that.

In your case I gather bank account details, credit card details, mortgage ect and look at both your incomes and outgoings on 2 incomes. Then look at things if you had to manage on just your income. Then I get him to take a day off work and you do the same. Sit down when the kids are not in the house and show him your income and out goings with 2 incomes and what happens if you go to just your income only.
Let him see that if he gives up his job that it will effect the family budget. I would also tell him what you said here about the joint account. He can't be spending what he likes when you just have 1 income.

I think that he is being very selfish at the moment. His married with teenaged kids and thinks that he can just leave his job and expects you to carry the whole family?
He has no plan but just expects you to keep working. His redundancy money won't last forever. What about his ni stamps if he stops work and state pension? What about funding his private pension?
The reality is that on one income you are going to take a financial hit now and in the future.

I know he may not like his current job but he can't just walk away from it just yet as he needs to make a proper plan.

His plans can't include you supporting him or impact his kids further education. He needs to retrain when he is still working if he wants to go into a new/different area job wise. He needs to looking for and have a new job before leaving his current job.
Tell him that he needs either a full time or part time job. If he works PT you will expect him to do more in the house than you. He will be paying a % of his income towards the bills into the joint account and you do the same but the rest of your salary will be going into your own account because financially you can't afford to sub his spending.

He's taking the piss. If you allow him to just continue sharing your income, where's the incentive to find another job? Absolutely maintain separate accounts and if he doesn't like it, then he doesn't get to quit his job.

He’s taking the piss, OP. There is no way on God’s green earth that he will ‘blag’ a redundancy payment if he willingly resigns. Absolutely no way.

Keep your money separate. It will focus his mind.

This was all really really helpful and has given me a lot to think about.

Just wanted to say, @Obki - he doesn't actually work for a charity! I wanted to avoid saying his real job to avoid it being recognisably him. It's just that TYPE of job. Don't want to be the reason people stop donating to charity!