AIBU to totally separate finances from DH?

[Jane054848]

DH hates his job and wants to quit. He does have a plan to retrain in something but will be a couple of years before he can earn anything, and it might always be quite minimal. I can't persuade him to retrain first.

I earn enough to support the family, including supporting DH not working/only working a little bit...but it would impact on things I want to save for such as retirement, kids' uni, helping kids with house deposit in the future.

We've had completely joint money (one joint bank account) since we started living together 20ish years ago.

But if he's going to be significantly reducing his work/income, I'd like to move to having our own separate money. My proposal:

• he'd do more housework/childcare (kids are teenagers)
• we'd contribute to all bills, household expenses, family stuff, outings, holidays etc in proportion to our incomes (so if he's earning nothing he'd pay nothing, if earning 20% of what I earn he'd contribute 20%)
• whatever is left, we keep separately and do what we want with it. So in theory if he did no work he wouldn't have any "fun" money (but he'd have a year's redundancy pay to tide him over the first couple of years).

Why I'm proposing this:

• He's quite unmotivated to earn money (because my earnings cover our needs) and doesn't always place much value on our joint money.
• I think I'd find the situation less annoying if I don't feel like I'm the only one taking a "hit" in my lifestyle/saving goals because of his career change.

But he hates this idea. His view is, we can afford for him to do this and our money is "our" money and we should keep it that way. He says if it wasn't for me he would have quit ages ago - and that if our positions were reversed, he'd be happy to support me. Both probably true.

AIBU? I really can't tell. I'm sure a nicer person would just say that there's no reason for him to work if we can afford for him not to, and no reason why this should impact our financial arrangements.

(And apologies for even asking this question when others have genuine and serious financial problems. I know this is pretty self-indulgent and privileged).

Happiness is more important than a salary.

FFS. I find that happiness tends to be a little hard to sustain when skint.
Maybe you should try extreme poverty for a while @katieak before making such glib remarks.

DH and I have totally separate finances. Don't even have a joint account.

We don't have children together though. We pay "our" bills, which we split fairly equally when we moved in. Mine include the gas and electric, so I'm now kicking myself for that 🤦‍♀️

To answer your question OP - do you want separate finances?
If you do, then have them.

Your husband, after all, is doing exactly what HE wants without caring how it affects you. Don't be a mug, don't enable an emergent cocklodger.

Is he just quitting or taking redundancy?

Because it is an important distinction. I have been made redundant through no fault of my own (there were 30 of my position in Jan, 10 took vol redundancy in May, 3 have left and another 7 of us were made redundant last month as the work is being offshored). And I am changing career - but I am doing something. Still working and have picked up some zero hour contracts in what I want and applying for jobs. I am moving into public sector so the pay is much less than private so it will be a hit. I will supplement this with freelance work if possible from my old job but cant for a year and it also may have all gone.

he'd do more housework/childcare (kids are teenagers)

Goes without saying. I think you also need to see the retraining as something to support.

Not doing anything though is where the line should be drawn

I'd do it your way, I would end up resenting him and it would eventually end in a break up.

These responses are so helpful! Thank you.

@katieak - beautifully phrased, this is exactly what I want to say but you put it so much more tactfully!

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune - currently he's a senior policy person for a charity, future would be counselling, but he's only moderately keen on that and it's 4 years to fully train.

@Discovereads he is resigning but would probably be able to blag redundancy pay.

@ lots of people - he genuinely plans to retrain, but I do think there's a reasonable chance he will realise it's not for him, and he would be OK with it being a relatively low key time commitment.

also @ lots of people - he would genuinely do stuff around the house. He already works part time whereas my job is very full on, and he does most of the housework and child wrangling.

We'd originally said he should retrain while working but he hates it so much, he wants to accelerate & quit now.

@hoorayandupsherises - I know exactly what you mean. Feel like proposal comes across as (and maybe is) punitive. But I don't like the alternative either.

He needs to compromise. Marriage/partnership doesn't mean unconditional, open ended financial support for another adult.

Your proposal seems fair tbh. He will have some redundancy money plus he can choose to work part time around his studies.

I agree with you OP wholeheartedly but many women on are effectively your DH in this scenario and would be up in arms crying emotional abuse

I always earned more than my STBEXH through his own lack of motivation. Spending money/fun money was proportioned to income

I don't think the issue is shared /seperate finances. The issue is that you don't seem to be a partnership - he wants to quit and retrain, is quite happy to take the financial hit, and does not believe your concerns/desires regarding finances are relevant

There needs to be a compromise. Yes, he has to now take on ALL of the domestic and household chores. Also, that perhaps he has to take on some part time/casual work as a way to contribute to his share of the cost of any social/fun activities. Or he has to take the bulk of the hit when it comes to "extras". Or whatever it is that you both decide.

For the record, DH earns a fraction of what I do. We've had entirely shared finances since we had DC. But I am not resentful because we are a partnership. When money is tight, we both pull back. He does loads to make it easier for me to work and earn the money (including working part time and doing all the childcare etc).

Also doesn't take into account the effect on OP's happiness!

also @ lots of people - he would genuinely do stuff around the house. He already works part time whereas my job is very full on, and he does most of the housework and child wrangling.

So you've been the main breadwinner for how many years? & now he wants to dob out of earning any money at all?
With teenage DC who don't need full-time parenting?
All based on a half-baked "plan" to take a 4 year course training to be a counsellor, when he doesn't actually want to be a counsellor?

Tota'ly taking the piss.

I dropped to 30 hours to train to be a counsellor. I absolutely loved it though don't do it as my job. It's very competitive - there are an awful lot of experienced, qualified counsellors out there.

I never had a joint account with my ex. This was due to my own history of being in a ltr and him working me setting up a joint account plus credit cards. He jacked in the job after a while but unknown to me was spending over 500 per month on the credit card, plus cash ! When I left (very abusive relationship) I was left with the debt. I learnt a harsh lesson.

If he's working part time he can study part time.

In fairness parenting teens can be pretty full on, especially if you are taxi-ing them here, there and everywhere. It sounds like the OP has been happy with the balance so far.

I have been there as the non-earning partner and your proposal is not financially abusive.

I took a 3 months sabbatical because I was really down about my job and wondered if I wanted to quit the sector and retrain as something different. DH and I have separate finances and I paid for all my outgoings from savings. I also took on more at home such as dealing on my own with probate when his father died.

DH was supportive of the break and of me retraining if that’s what I decided but was also pretty blunt about what would happen if I didn’t get a new job and gave up altogether: the effect on our finances, the stress on him of having to make our finances up by earning more (we are both self employed so this was a possibility) and also that if the arrangement became permanent he would want me to do stuff he has always done himself like his own laundry. I thought that was all entirely reasonable.

Most important was the fact that not having an income focused my mind on how much I valued the job. I went back to it refreshed and motivated. If he had funded me I’d probably still be arsing around at home.

PS also if you get into a situation where he is long term not working/house husband, getting older and is less able to re-enter the labour market, you’ll still potentially be funding him if you divorce. I know that sound awful. But don’t let that happen.

He is a wannabe cocklodger and your proposal is very fair.

Be prepared that if you split when he's jobless you will have to pay him spousal support.

Tell him no, he has to work.

he is resigning but would probably be able to blag redundancy pay.

Yet another reason to stop giving money to UK charities.

You’re asking for opinions, so here’s mine. I think it’s really shit when couples do this absolutely ridiculous % thing with their money 😆 I’ve never once met anyone in real life who does this. How can you even call yourself a partnership?

Because women are still the lower warner in many relationships and so many women seem to think their salaries should pay for childcare and things for the baby/kids.

The % system works. Don't act so superior.

YABU money should be jointly shared in a marriage.

So should contribution to a marriage. DH wants to reduce his contribution but reap the same rewards as OP.

What if the OP decides to stop working should they be jointly lodged in a shelter?

Why Should she have less savings and less spending money because he's decided not to work?

I love how he wants to be a counsellor yet isn't listening to your legitimate concerns.

I would feel the same as you
The Unmotivated is a big clue to how he is

PS also if you get into a situation where he is long term not working/house husband, getting older and is less able to re-enter the labour market, you’ll still potentially be funding him if you divorce. I know that sound awful. But don’t let that happen.
This concerns me too. Cold though it sounds, I think OP needs to look at this whole situation with a very cold head.
Her H is doing exactly what HE wants & taking no account of how it impacts her. Or even their DC, whose uni funds OP says will be compromised when he jacks in working.