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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship help!

32 replies

Becra · 23/10/2022 22:12

I just want some clarity as to whether I’m being unreasonable…
Ive been with my partner for 5 years and he has a son from a previous relationship. His ex partner is very difficult and will try to make life quite hard, when it doesn’t need to be.
This Christmas it falls on the weekend when we usually have my stepson (we have him Friday-Sunday, every two weeks). I said that his mum should still have him on Christmas Eve/christmas morning as she always has, and we’d never dream of taking that away from her. On Christmas Day though, I said that I’ll pick him up at 2pm (45 minute drive away), take our 15 month old with us so that he can nap in the car, then be back to have our christmas lunch as a family at 3pm.
His ex has messaged to say it has to be 3pm and my partner isn’t willing to message and say 2pm. Every single christmas, for the past 5 years, I’ve never got to have a relatively relaxing day. It’s always me collecting him, coming back, him opening his presents, then sitting down to a late dinner. I just wanted one year, especially with our 15 month old, where we can have a nice time together without being shattered, and where it suits everyone.
Its not just to do with christmas, every week it’s me doing the running around or having to change my plans, and I’m sick of it. My partner is saying that I’m being pathetic over an hour but it’s deeper rooted. For once, I’d love him to just even attempt to put our feelings into consideration. I do love him deeply but we’re just stuck in this rut of a (completely sexless/no intimacy) relationship and this has tipped me over the edge, where I’ve got to the point where I’ve said to meet in the middle with his ex or we’re over.
I feel pathetic but I’ve just simply had enough, feel completely unloved and deep down knowing that he would rather lose what we have than anger his ex.
Any advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
SoftwareDev · 23/10/2022 22:17

Sounds like there is a lot more to this than a pick up time. I guess that was the figurative straw?

Why are you the one doing all the driving around? Is your OH. unable to drive? I am assuming he can't in which case he needs to work around your needs.

Ultimately you both need to have a serious chat about the state of your relationship and figure out if it has a future.

AIXJ · 23/10/2022 22:18

children scare me to be honest i would leave just for that

TempName01 · 23/10/2022 22:23

I think there are wider issues here but for the Christmas situation, I would suggest he stay at his mums until late evening or Boxing Day morning and make Boxing day a second Christmas for him.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 23/10/2022 22:24

If he's relying on you to do all the taxiing then he needs to listen to your feelings on it all. Well, to be fair, he should be listening to you anyway but....

I think you need to separate the issues here. You need to discuss your relationship with him as a couple as well as discussing your relationship as a family.

Do you, and/or him, want the intimacy back?
Is what you have together worth fighting for?

If he's not even going to have a conversation with you about how to manage situations with his ex, or out your wants and opinions first then is it really worth saving the relationship??

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2022 22:29

A loveless sexless relationship is shit. That’s plenty reason to leave. You’re doing yourself a massive disservice by staying. He’d rather upset you than his ex, another excellent reason to ditch him.

I think while it hurts that this is a good thing. It’s the final straw and the push you need to end the “relationship” and be happy.

Maybe once you’re also an ex he’ll start giving your wishes more consideration. I’m really sorry, he sucks. Things can be better but not with him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 22:31

Can your DP not drive?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 22:32

If he wants his child with him on Christmas Day then he needs to sort out how. Not you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/10/2022 22:41

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 22:32

If he wants his child with him on Christmas Day then he needs to sort out how. Not you.

This. Why is this your problem to sort…. Oh, wait, it’s not…!

Original poster
Becra · 23/10/2022 23:02

No, he doesn’t drive so it’s up to me to do the ferrying. I’ve just shown him what I’ve written in the hope that it might make him realise how I’m feeling. But no. All he said was, have you told them that my ex will be seeing her mum and family, so won’t be back until 3pm!
What about my family?! I even offered to drive over to her mums if that helped but he won’t message her.
Devastated.

OP posts:
Stoptheworld1000 · 23/10/2022 23:19

Tell him you will be enjoying Christmas day with your 15 month old and will collect his child on boxing day morning or not at all.

user1471457751 · 23/10/2022 23:44

Doesn't drive - is that can't be arsed to learn or medically unable to drive? Because if its the former you need to stop doing the running round after him. In this scenario given its your weekend to have the kid anyway just say you should have him the full-time as per the schedule or you will pick him up on boxing day.

Musti · 24/10/2022 01:32

From now on do every other Xmas until 3pm. See how she likes it. Get him to learn to drive. Or at least I hope he’s making Xmas dinner whilst you drive??

since it is your weekend this year, you have him until 3 and she can pick him up.

tell him that if he needs you to pick his son up, you’ll do it no later than 2

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2022 01:37

I'm think there's a good reason his relationship with his ex ended. I'm sure she would have a lot to say about him, and it would be very similar to what you're dealing with.

He's selfish and totally unconcerned with your needs. Get rid.

WhenTheMusicFinallyStops · 24/10/2022 01:44

I couldn't live like that, op. It would be a huge deal breaker for me.
LTB and have a lovely Christmas with your little one.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/10/2022 06:48

Tell him you will be enjoying Christmas day with your 15 month old and will collect his child on boxing day morning or not at all.

THIS!!!

I would be rethinking the entire relationship to be honest.

Conkersareback · 24/10/2022 07:26

This has nothing to do with the hour, if you were making all this fuss about an hour I'd say YABU.

It's all about the state of your marriage.

If he addressed the hour issue, would your relationship be vastly improved? I doubt it? It would t improve the intimacy or any of the other issues.

I think you need to make it clear to your DH, that the marriage is in trouble, not just because if an hour.

EVHead · 24/10/2022 07:32

What would he do if you weren’t there to drive his child about? How would they be transported between parents?

Brefugee · 24/10/2022 07:39

agree with the others: it's your way if you're collecting your DSS or he can make his own arrangements.

In your shoes? I'd arrange whatever i want to be doing on Christmas day and make him fit in to it. It may also be worth him going to court to get the access arrangements changed to every other Christmas?

I'd normally say do a 2nd Christmas on Boxing Day but - meh - that just gives everyone else priority over what you want.

ChaosDemon · 24/10/2022 07:43

Becra · 23/10/2022 23:02

No, he doesn’t drive so it’s up to me to do the ferrying. I’ve just shown him what I’ve written in the hope that it might make him realise how I’m feeling. But no. All he said was, have you told them that my ex will be seeing her mum and family, so won’t be back until 3pm!
What about my family?! I even offered to drive over to her mums if that helped but he won’t message her.
Devastated.

I don't understand. If he doesn't drive how did he have contact with his child before you came along?

SleeplessInEngland · 24/10/2022 07:46

Writing all this out you must have realised this all isn’t worth it?

ChrisTrepidation · 24/10/2022 07:55

He won't message her because he doesn't actually care how you feel. Your opinions and feelings are completely irrelevant to him.

Why doesn't he drive? Is he medically unable? Is he learning? Because hell would freeze over before I would run around after a man who couldn't even be arsed to learn to drive. How did he see his child before you came along if he doesn't drive?

The only person who can change this situation is you. Of course he's going to tell you you're unreasonable. The situation suits him and all he cares about is himself. Don't waste the rest of your life in a sexles marriage with a man who doesn't care about you. What do you even love about him? Because he sounds awful.

ChrisTrepidation · 24/10/2022 07:58

Also don't waste your time showing him this thread or trying to tell him how you feel. Women are always told we need to communicate but 99% of the time men who are treating us badly don't actually give a shit.

The only things men like him understand is action. Your first action should be to no longer make yourself a martyr to him and his wants.

rainbowstardrops · 24/10/2022 08:13

It's not your worry whether he can drive or not, so I'd be telling him you'll either pick his son up at 2pm, or he can sort it himself and you have the Christmas you'd like with your son.
This relationship doesn't sound worth saving to be honest.

Herejustforthisone · 24/10/2022 08:30

“You’ve got two months to learn to drive. I’m no longer your own personal taxi service. Collect your own kid.”

Herejustforthisone · 24/10/2022 08:34

Actually I think just bin him off and have a nice Christmas with your family and child and no schlepping about.