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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What have you learnt at school today?

29 replies

BoneBonita · 23/10/2022 22:10

DH has asked the kids this question every single day since they started school as soon as he gets in from work. When the kids were younger they were more willing to discuss it but now they’re bored of it and are actively avoiding him when he comes in from work. On Thursday DS had gone upstairs just as DH was due to come in and out headphones on - cue DH stood shouting at the bottom of the stairs for him to come down and tell him what he’d learnt at school that day. It ended in a huge argument where DS shouted that he was sick of “this stupid question” and that he doesn’t want to talk about school constantly. DH pushed and pushed and it was just awful and unnecessary.

On friday he came in and DD was on her phone and he walked over to her, she said “Can you please not ask about school”. DH got annoyed and said he wasn’t going on about school, he just wanted to know what she’d learnt today. She stomped off upstairs without answering him, DS came down and said “what did you do at work today? What did you do at work today?” Over and over again. Another argument.

I ended up arguing with DH because I’m sick of this bloody question too!! AIBU to stick to my belief that the kids shouldn’t have to discuss school every fucking evening??!

OP posts:
cantforthelifeofme · 23/10/2022 22:12

YANBU.

I like your DS's approach. Just ask the same question back!

How annoying

HS1990 · 23/10/2022 22:16

If DH is trying to connect with his kids, i understand. But perhaps keep the questions for family dinner time and Dh can ask DC what the best part or worst part of their day was. Open ended and doesn't put all the focus on school

inappropriateraspberry · 23/10/2022 22:19

Why is it always what they learnt? Does he ever ask about them? 'How was your day?' 'How did your test go?' 'Have you spoken to x about x?'
It sounds like he's taking no interest in them as people, just their education.

BeautifulElephant · 23/10/2022 22:26

Can you talk to him about it calmly? Does it have to be an argument?

Can you ask him the purpose of this question?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/10/2022 22:27

Yes, it's because he is putting them in a position of having to parrot facts at him like homework

Today I learned about Hinduism or Roosevelt's New Deal or how to solve an equation.

He is not asking them how they are, he is treating them like performing seals. My sister does something similar trying to performance parent by forcing her DD to speak on this or that and I always think "fucksake"

Your kids are rebelling and rightly so, he really needs to pack it in.

Dilbertian · 23/10/2022 22:31

Sounds like he's become fixated on one way to be an engaged parent, not realising that the way you engage with your children evolves as they grow up.

There are other ways to engage.

Many people - adults as well as teens - want some downtime when they get home from work or school. Demanding immediate engagement doesn't show love and interest, it just winds such people up. Give them a break!

Mealtimes are a much more comfortable time to engage with people who want some time alone, but rejoin for meals.

How about changing the record? My dh often asks a dc "Tell me something interesting". Dh and I also contribute by sharing something interesting that might have happened during our day.

And there's always just sitting in the same room as your dc, each getting on with your own thing without conversation. My 19yo calls this 'vibing'. Vibing often ends with a kiss from the dc, or a hug, before they leave the room. Often it segues into them initiating a chat with us. It's clear that they enjoy this unchallenging engagement with them.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 24/10/2022 02:05

Alternative Qs to engage with chikdren about school}

Pixiedust1234 · 24/10/2022 02:56

Hes trying to connect with his children. He should be asking how was your day today, or did you do anything interesting, rather than learning.

I am more perplexed why you haven't pulled your kids up on their rudeness to their father tbh

Musti · 24/10/2022 03:13

Your kids obviously don’t want to talk about it because it isn’t interesting to them.

And who tf wants to be asked the same question every day??

Tell him to stop interrogating the kids and learn the art of conversation.

HerRoyalNotness · 24/10/2022 03:13

All the advice I’ve seen has said to just say, I’m happy to see you or I’m glad you’re home. My boys could never remember anything they did at school. My DD, the youngest tells me of her own accord and remembers lots of interesting things that happen. I still just say how was your day, it’s nice to see you.

KeyWorker · 24/10/2022 05:01

Can you point out to your DH that while it’s great he’s interested in their day, the kids get home before him and therefore have already started to wind down/chill out/have quite time/whatever and that maybe that question could be saved for dinner time. You could also suggest he varies his question a bit as PP mentioned.

mondaytosunday · 24/10/2022 06:24

I used to ask my kids what was the highlight of their day and what was the lowlight. Not as soon as they came in but when it seemed they were happy to chat, and particularly if I thought something about their day was bothering them. I asked this less as they moved up as they could either articulate better or perhaps had things going on they didn't want to share.
I can see how they find the question intrusive and childish.

Ivyruin · 24/10/2022 06:39

I do think he's just trying to connect with his kids but now they are older, probably needs to ask them how was their day instead?

My dad asked me this everyday as a child and still does now. It brings a smile to my face everytime.

Caiti19 · 24/10/2022 06:52

Is he trying to connect, or is he asking them to justify their existence...."prove to me you're worth the investment by telling me what you've learnt".
Either way, horrible for the kids. He needs to work on his emotional intelligence. He should have reacted to the first signs of annoyance at this question by quitting this question a long time ago. Interrogation on entering the house sounds domineering to me. Can he wait until dinner and just ask "well, what's the news of the day?" and you all have an unpressured normal chat.

Mariposista · 24/10/2022 07:10

Asking the same question each day is irritating and he should vary his way of interacting but your children also need to meet him half way and get off their devices for five minutes when you greet each other.

Meatshake · 24/10/2022 07:12

The problem is if they've had a tricky day or something's gone wrong then it's going to be difficult to talk about their day until they've processed it themselves. He's being a well intentioned numpty. It's obviously becoming a stressful thing for them, it'll turn them off talking more than it will encourage open dialogue.

Beanbagtrap · 24/10/2022 07:16

It comes from a good place. He needs to change it up though..I have younger DC by the sound of it but I always ask things like "what was the funniest thing that happened today?" "Who mortally offended you?" "Whose bag did you covet" "what did you wish hadn't happened" "what annoyed you the most?" "What was unfair about today?" "What did you feel properly chuffed about?" Or my favourite "what's the goss?" To dig into the soap opera that is 7 year old friendship groups. It's honestly better than EastEnders

Strictly1 · 24/10/2022 07:17

I’m surprised you’re not tackling your children’s rudeness tbh.

Magenta82 · 24/10/2022 07:19

It's very strange that he hasn't learnt to change the record. If he is genuinely trying to connect with the kids then he would take their feedback on board and try something new.

The argumentative side of me likes the tactic of asking the same question back at him constantly, but I don't think it will help. Perhaps a calm conversation about different ways to engage?

RudsyFarmer · 24/10/2022 07:20

Strictly1 · 24/10/2022 07:17

I’m surprised you’re not tackling your children’s rudeness tbh.

I have to agree. As a parent a little respect would be a nice thing. I know we appreciate that in our house abd I actively encourage it.

Magenta82 · 24/10/2022 07:46

RudsyFarmer · 24/10/2022 07:20

I have to agree. As a parent a little respect would be a nice thing. I know we appreciate that in our house abd I actively encourage it.

Show quote history

But the father is not respecting the children by repeatedly doing something they have asked him not to.

Why should anyone remain polite when they are being baited every day. The father may not realise he is doing it but he is niggling at them every day, that is rude and its unsurprisingly now being met with hostility.

If you want kids to be polite you have to model the same behaviour.

Letthekidsplay · 24/10/2022 07:48

Your husband is well within his rights to ask what they’ve learned. It wouldn’t kill them to answer him. I think they’re being allowed by you to be rude and disrespectful.

Iheartmysmart · 24/10/2022 07:50

If I were one of your children I’d be tempted to reply with ‘I learned that people who ask the same question repeatedly are incredibly tedious’.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/10/2022 07:56

Your kids sound really disrespectful and rude. You are enabling that behaviour. I feel quite bad for your dh tbh, he is taking genuine interest in your childrens day and you and your kids are mocking him for it.

Stock phrases said by me daily to my dc:

Morning, did you sleep well?
How was school/work?
What did you have for lunch?

I am sure there are many more.

Isaidnoalready · 24/10/2022 07:59

How old are the children? Ds1 has been in education since he was three that's over 10 years now can you imagine being asked the same question five days a week 42 weeks a year for ten fucking years?

No winder they are going nuts

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