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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too demanding?

35 replies

Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 21:55

Hi everyone, I'll jump right in. My husband has recently started a new job (2 weeks in) at the other end of the country. He's living with his parents until I sort our house, nursery etc at home. His commute is an hour and half each way and currently having to do an extra half day, so driving that 6 days a week. So I'm very conscious how tired he will be. I came down this weekend and instead of coming back to his parents after work he suggested I take an hour and half train ride to a town he's interested in us living in (maybe 6/9 months when we can buy), I knew walking a town with our 2 year would be hardwork but agreed as he was really keen. We arrived and met him. Our LO has really missed his dad and was so happy to see him. He wanted to be held by his dad all the time. Usually its the other way round which I love but that was great to see. Anyway my husband was saying he was exhausted and didn't want to hold him. I tried to keep our son from asking to be held by dad but was not happy. He wouldn't let me carry him, wouldn't hold my hand, kept running off but when I asked my husband to hold him he said no, too tired. I felt so upset my husband wouldn't hold our lo after not seeing him for 2 weeks and all our little doing was wanting to be with him. I also felt so stressed because of the situation, is it normal this stressed me so much? After I was clearly getting stressed my husband held him for about 10 minutes before we went to a coffee shop. My husband is a good dad but he needs a lot of time out, to rest, which I don't need as much as I generally have a lot more energy than him. I work 90% for context.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling annoyed he wouldn't hold our lo? and the fact it stressed me so much - which I think was more to do with my husband reaction I.e. he thinks I should just crack on with holding our lo but when he doesn't want to be held he is like an octopus. Thank you for reading and any advice x

OP posts:
Tomanycarrots · 23/10/2022 21:57

He’s not a good dad

BillieHolliday · 23/10/2022 22:00

He needs a lot of time out?
Perhaps reconsider if moving to join your husband is the best plan for you and your child

Badgirlriri · 23/10/2022 22:01

I can’t see that this is a big issue really. Did the 2 year old not have a pushchair?

Original poster
Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:01

you wouldn't give leeway on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:02

no we didn't have a pushchair.

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 23/10/2022 22:02

I couldn't carry a 2 year old for long, and i also wouldn't want too regardless of how long i hadn't seen DD, carrying them isn't fun. I would rather see them, sit down somewhere to play/chat with them, and at 2yo my DD would have been in the pushchair if we were walking around a town.

Vegalam · 23/10/2022 22:02

YANBU. He's allowed to be tired but he is also a parent to a child who is missing him and holding his LO is not a massive nor unreasonable ask.

Midnights · 23/10/2022 22:02

Working 6 days a week and commuting at least 3 hours a day? I'd be knackered too!! How come no pushchair for a 2 year old?

Vegalam · 23/10/2022 22:04

Oh I wasn't taking the holding and carrying LO as a literal lol. Carrying the child around town is unreasonable but sitting/cuddling/engaging with the child is not

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2022 22:04

Hasn’t seen his very young child for two weeks and can’t be bothered to carry him for a bit? Because he’s fucking tired? That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve heard in a while. He sounds like he couldn’t give a shit about either of you, just heartbreaking.

If you move are you moving away from your friends and family? What will you do about work?

Original poster
Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:06

Our lo won't sit in the pushchair and he can get out. I've tried gentle, firm etc. He usually walks nicely by hand or I carry him. I'm used to carrying him or him walking. He's nearly 2 and still quite light. The point is not so much about if he's heavy or if there's a pram, if he wants his dad to carry him so he can be close to him as he's missed him wouldn't you just carry him for a bit? I wouldn't hesitate.

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 23/10/2022 22:09

Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:06

Our lo won't sit in the pushchair and he can get out. I've tried gentle, firm etc. He usually walks nicely by hand or I carry him. I'm used to carrying him or him walking. He's nearly 2 and still quite light. The point is not so much about if he's heavy or if there's a pram, if he wants his dad to carry him so he can be close to him as he's missed him wouldn't you just carry him for a bit? I wouldn't hesitate.

No i wouldn't carry him, i would sit down and cuddle and play etc, but walking around he needs to either walk nicely or go in the puschair. Crikeyz you giving in and lettinf him wak everywhere your walks must take ages! If i was your DH i would have found that very stressful

summergone · 23/10/2022 22:11

Omg he's too tired to carry his child that he hasn't seen for 2 weeks because he's tired ! He's been living with his parents so probably doing no housework or cooking , no getting up in the night with a toddler . Ridiculous behaviour from a grown man .We're all bloody tired

Original poster
Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:13

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks, this was exactly my first thought. If I hadn't seen my lo for 2 weeks I wouldn't hesitate to carry him. My husband is a big strong man but he gets tired a lot, there's nothing physically wrong with him he has just always been the same. It has caused a lot of arguments but I just accept it 80% of the time now. I work remotely and travel occasionally so work is fine for me. We would live with his parents for several months. We live by my family and friends atm. It's a wrench for me to leave and there's a lot more gone on with us than this single post but I just wanted to get a sense whether this was unusual of a dad or if I'm being unreasonable. As I'm being made to feel I am by dh. Thanks for your support and others thoughts.

OP posts:
Rinatinabina · 23/10/2022 22:15

I think he is probably having easier days then you. If he hasn’t seem him for 2 weeks he should have picked him up. Even if its for a little while, just provide a bit of reassurance.

BeautifulElephant · 23/10/2022 22:15

I think there should have been a push chair. Two year olds tantrum that's to be expected. So if it means he has a tantrum before he settles in the push chair then so be it.

Original poster
Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:16

@summergone haha other than the commute his day is fine, he had a late night on Friday but otherwise back by 5, so working until 3. He doesn't do any housework anyway but does usually cook. I feel like a yo yo whether I'm right or wrong (not just this situation). I guess it's hard when things build up over time, stuff gets confusing. Argh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:20

Thanks to those of you who've said you wouldn't have picked him up and the advice about allowing a tantrum out so he stays in the pram (when I do have it with me). Our walks do take ages, yes haha, unless we have to be somewhere then we have more focus to our destination 😂

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 23/10/2022 22:20

I would think very carefully about moving away from your friends and family for a man baby who is too tired to parent. He is not a good dad.

Hankunamatata · 23/10/2022 22:24

There is no way I'd be lugging a 2 year old around while viewing a new town. You should have brought pushchair.

Tomanycarrots · 23/10/2022 22:25

I wouldn’t move for him sounds like start of a miserable life together tbh

Original poster
Autumnisbeautiful1 · 23/10/2022 22:26

Just for those saying I should have brought the buggy I couldn't have as I flew here and my husband knew we didn't have one. I asked him to come back but he insisted we go meet him there :)

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 23/10/2022 22:28

When you say carry I hope you mean in a toddler carrier (like a Tula). If not please get one.

Your husband should have carried him for a bit for closeness and reassurance.

summergone · 23/10/2022 22:40

He's lazy or just couldn't be bothered , or both . Either way it's crap parenting.

parietal · 23/10/2022 22:46

the toddler MUST learn to go in a buggy. there will be times when the distance is too far or he needs to nap in the buggy etc. don't make your life miserable by letting his walking pace dictate things for the next few years.

DH should be able to carry toddler in a sling (e.g. Ergo as back sling) but no one should be carrying a toddler in arms all day. see point above.