To want set visiting time from my sons father?

[Ratatatawhoosthat]

Hi, trying to include everything to avoid drip feed.

I met my ex partner in LOCATION A (trying not to be outing lol) and we moved in together. There were a lot of red flags but stupidly I ignored them. I got pregnant assuming he would change (Jesus how did I become that cliché??) but soon realised the extent of how emotionally abusive and controlling he was. It wore me down and I eventually had a breakdown over it. I thought my life was not worth living and my self esteem was entirely ruined.

We broke up and I moved back to hometown and in my parents in LOCATION B, 6 months pregnant with no money and a whole lot of shame and sadness. I’ve been living there since. My lovely son is 11 months old.

Ex comes to visit every weekend. The drive is around 3.5 hours but there can often be up to an hours worth of traffic. Because it’s such a long drive and he has no “base” here he will spend the day at my
Parents or often he stays here at my parents for the night. It makes it tough as I cannot properly form boundaries with him. Some weekends we get on great and others it is utter hell. Really it depends on how he wants to treat me that weekend.

I am drained from the rollercoaster of it and it’s severely effecting my mental health. I am having therapy and have been prescribed anti depressants (though I’m not taking them as hoping the therapy alone will help me).

I really want to put in boundaries so I can move on and feel free of his abuse. The boundaries that I want are:

A)He cannot call or text me. All correspondence is to be over email. This means I don’t have to feel anxiety every time my phone pings and can just check my inbox when I feel okay to.

B)We have a set time that he visits and a set time that he leaves. I can therefore make plans to be out during this time.

The problem is. It’s not really working.

A)I explained to him over the weekend that I want us to only communicate over text. My Mum however is part of a WhatsApp group with him and his Mum were she sends daily updates about our son. She has done this since our son was little to keep him in the loop with what our son is doing every day, and so that his Mum feels more involved (she lives about 8 hours away from us all). Today however, now that he’s blocked on my WhatsApp, he has used the group as a platform to send unkind messages about me instead and so I am now so anxious that I am going to be hounded during the day just like before. I must admit I wish she didn’t update them daily but I’m sure I am being unreasonable on this one. Even when they’re texting positive things, it still means he is on my mind and I can never switch off from thinking about him as she will ask me what she should write on there.

B) He has said he wants to come every Saturday. Because it’s such a long drive and there is a chance of traffic he is refusing to give a set time that he will be here. He is saying that he wants to leave his home at 8:30am in the morning and hopefully get to me for 12 but ultimately he will arrive whenever he arrives, which could be up to an hour late. He says he will then stay until 4pm. I feel this is just another way of controlling me. I believe he should make allowances for the hours traffic. If he is supposed to be here for 12 then he should aim to get here for 11 and if he’s early maybe grab a coffee round the corner or do some work emails in his car. That’s what I would personally do.

Regarding Point B - am I being unreasonable to want a set time for him to get to me? Please can I have some advice on how to manage this situation. Please keep all advice constructive and kind, I am really struggling with my mental health at the moment. I realise that it might seem like I am exaggerating a small thing, but I have endured so much manipulation from him that I’m extremely sensitive to everything now. I also am struggling with the pressure of being the main carer of our son, hence why the four hours he wants to visit (12-4) are precious to me as “me time” and I don’t want to spend a whole hour of that waiting for him to turn up.

Also, I don’t trust that he would actually leave at 8:30am - I think he will leave whenever he likes and blame it on traffic.

please help and please be kind!

I meant to say “I want to us to communicate only over email” **

The best answer would be that he collects his son on the Saturday and takes him back to his own home, and then drops him back off on the Sunday. You could look into a more formal custody agreement but it would risk him asking for more him which you may not want.

You need to get your mum to block him, why the hell is she sending him daily updates? He’s abusive to you, why is she communicating outside of contact times and undermining you? You can tell him to go to court for contact, but as you moved, you may be told to take the baby back and forth.

And rather than communicating via email could you ask him to just communicate with your mum instead of you?

Why is he doing all the travelling when you moved away? Surely this will be changing when your son gets older?

I think 3.5 hours on Saturday and Sunday is too far for a baby to travel each weekend. Also our son is breastfed to sleep each night still. I don’t think his Dad would want to do a ‘night shift’ anyway luckily xx

I think you're lucky, if it ends up in family court it wouldn't be unusual for them to say meet half way or as you moved you do the transportation. I think that makes it hard for you to lay down the law much, potentially you have much more to lose.

Offering Every Weekend on a 3.5 hour drive is a bigger problem as you've set a precedent, if I was making any changes it would be with the aim to getting down to every fortnight.

Much of it depends on how likely your ex is to make an application. He's maneuvered himself into a strong position, trying to balance it out if he digs his heels in will be hard

This is really tough!

I do think YABU about the timing issue, you moved 3.5 hours away and he's doing a 7 hour drive on a Saturday to see the DC - if he tells you 12 ish as it may be impacted by traffic, he can't predict delays / accidents so I don't see why he should leave extra early just incase then sit doing work emails in the car.

Communication is a hard one too, can you just turn notifications off for him for messages / apps, then only check in if you need to? He definitely shouldn't be sending rude messages on a group chat though, that's totally UR!

Is there a reason you're not driving halfway to meet up and drop off the DC for his contact time? Eg. You drive to location C, drop off DC with dad, they go do their 5 hours, then you meet up and drive DC home?

Tbh it sounds very much like he's hanging on for the end of breastfeeding to put in a custody application. He can even show maintaining good family ties with your mum. 2 years driven every weekend isn't much in the long run

“if it ends up in family court it wouldn't be unusual for them to say meet half way or as you moved you do the transportation. I think that makes it hard for you to lay down the law much, potentially you have much more to lose.”

@Icedlatteplease thanks for the advice - is this true?

You would definitely be asked to share the travel. Even if it wasn’t you that moved away courts are keen for travel to be shared between parents. Given you moved I do think you should consider when older doing a share in the travel. It’s tricky as ultimately it’s the child who ends up travelling the most. This is why I didn’t move back to my home town when my relationship broke down as I knew their dad would want regular contact and I didn’t want them having to travel across the country every other weekend or more frequently.

So I do think you need to suck up the loose arrangements as it’s not unreasonable that traffic will delay him and he is the one travelling 100% of the time at this point. He might always be content to do it, to save your child travelling but I’d imagine once your child’s a bit older and not BF he could collect the child and take him to his for the weekend but maybe less frequently, every other weekend and half of school holidays. That arrangement might be easier for you to manage too.

Re your mum I’d have a non confrontational chat, say you appreciate she’s keeping them updated but make sure it’s strictly about child and his development and not where you’ve been etc. I wouldn’t want that mentioned at all and I know this would drive me mad. My eldest child had a very close relationship with his Nanna and he rang her daily for years telling her every single thing that went on in my house and I hated it!

Offer every other Saturday or Sunday. Your dc is old enough for a trip to the Park /swimming /soft play without you. You risk making every week end his the Status Quo if he seeks legal advice for contact..

Leave the what's app group and let your mum do updates.

Yabu about time he arrives. He is driving 3.5 hours and you said yourself there may be another hour of traffic to add so no I don't think you can dictate what time he arrvies. Have you though if spending afternoon out and leaving dc under your mums supervision and having her surprise ex visits?

I take it he is named as the father on the birth certificate?

You need to sit down with your mother and tell her that she is currently part of the (big) problem that is your mental health. She needs to understand that this is never going to turn into happy families and she needs to support you.

Based on what you've said I would in your shoes, wean yourself son and move to an eow arrangement where he goes off for two days.

Sorry your not in what's app group so you need to say to your mum that you don't want to know what he says in that group

I want to side with you but honestly I’m not sure what you want him to do to control the traffic. It’s a 3.5 hour drive, he’s making the drive to you after you moved away with his child. He’s telling you what time he is leaving and what approximate time he should arrive that’s more than good enough.

Thats exactly how most people go about long journeys. We are leaving at X should be with you around X if there’s a traffic issue or an accident then that’s not his fault is it? Certainly not an attempt to control you, I’d be cautious how you proceed down this route as it sounds like he’s actually bending over backwards to see his son and you’re maybe getting quite shirty and controlling back.

If you don’t want him at your parents or aren’t Happy about him being around you then take it In turns, you travel up to him every other week and let him have baby at his whilst you go sit in a coffee shop, I’m guessing you don’t want to do that though which is a bit of a double standard.

As the mother of two toddlers I can confirm that an 11mo is more than capable of travelling 3.5 hours, spending 4-5 hours somewhere, then travelling 3.5 hours back. He’ll be fine, the fact you don’t want to do that is a different issue. You could meet half way? There are actually a lot of ways around this which would be much more fair and equal but it doesn’t sound like you’re actually after that.

tbh it kinda sounds like you’re annoyed about what’s gone on before and are being difficult because of that. I worry you’ll come off quite badly if this goes to mediation xx

I've got a family member who is currently doing a 3 hour drive both ways for this very reason.

Yy to persuading your mum to ease back on the communications. Polit text here and there maybe. But frankly if she was on your side I would also expect her to cut short any complaint about you on the WhatsApp group as inappropriate

Not true in my case.

I think you need go a step back and realise that you moved away, but you're also complaining about the fact that he can't give you a set time that he'll arrive, and he's using your home as a 'base'.

you moved away, not him. I suspect, as PP have said, that if this goes to court you'll be ordered to travel halfway, and IMO that's fair. He didn't move away. He didn't move the goalposts, you did.

He can't control the traffic, he's doing a massive journey every weekend because you moved. If this went to court you would more than likely be in a worse position-having to share the drive or the cost.

He might be rotten, but that doesn't make what you are asking of him reasonable.

I think often it comes down to how well you can justify the move (work, house, ability to self support in the area you were it). My relative is an idiot to be fair but I had warned him of the risks if he didn't do it well before he started, and you do read about it often online.

The OPs ex, does come over rather well, superficially at least. Makes the journey every week to retain a relationship, keeps strong family bonds with the exs family. I do think the OP really does need to be careful, this has all the hallmarks of a man playing the long game.

He’s playing the long game and setting the foundations of being seen as a good guy. Watch your back with this one.

Everybody saying OP moved away, she moved before DC was born so travel won't, and shouldn't, be on her.

From what you're describing frankly contact shouldn't be at your family's at all but in a third venue. Document all his communications, especially the abusive ones. Email contact only is sensible, but you'll need to get your family on board. Worst case, can you afford your own place?

Thanks everyone SO much for your advice. The sad fact is, without someone knowing the full story, I can completely see why he comes across so well. It’s important that I am aware of this definitely!!

@Ratatatawhoosthat ask for this to be moved to relationships where you will get better advice that takes into account the fact he's abusive.

Your mum needs to step out of WhatsApp chats, there's no need for her to be involved. Email only is perfectly reasonable and what is suggested with abusive ex partners.

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid? They are very good at helping in these matters and will give good advice. You need boundaries in place and your mum needs to butt out because she is a big problem here. He should not be staying in the same house as you and that needs to stop immediately.

Yanbu wanting a set time. If he had to get to a job or whatever at a set time then he'd do it without waffle about traffic. However, I think you need to meet halfway. And make it every other weekend day so one week a Saturday and the next a Sunday. For now anyway until ds gets older.

It's hard, I've been there and abusive partners use contact to further abuse mothers